FNARR: UPDATES FROM SOMEONE ELSE'S COMPUTER

BellSouth has finally figured out (or admitted) that the problem is on their end; I'm not even getting sporadic internet connections anymore, and now our phone doesn't work, either. (Insert creative expletive of your choice here. I favor "doucheweasel," myself.) Thus, if you are trying to get hold of me... you probably won't be able to. Not until 6 pm tomorrow night. (Insert vehement expletive here. Let's try... "fuckhat," that sounds good.) I am getting to check my email once a day or so; using the contact form linked up to the right will forward a message to that address, so you can use that if you need to. Otherwise, I'll be over here not writing my final Yeats/Heaney paper. Sigh.

FNARR 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO

I hate BellSouth DSL.

ATTENTION, MASTER CRIMINALS

...You may not want to use the Real World home for your drugging and raping needs.

BANJO?

Rachel Griffiths has named her infant son "Banjo." That sound you hear? The Fametracker "Baby's Named a Bad Thing" board bursting into flame.

KING OF ICK

So I go to this CD store at Brookwood, Spinstore I think it was, a place I'd never shopped at before, to get the Return of the King soundtrack (it's lovely, thanks for asking). And the whole time I was there, the speakers played nothing but old Michael Jackson songs. Is that a political statement, you think? "We support Michael Jackson in his time of need"? Or is it simply a reminder that we might want to buy up all the old Michael Jackson albums we always meant to get on CD before it becomes completely socially unacceptable to purchase anything with his name on it?

FNARR

Much to my dismay, my DSL has been in and out for two days now--the worst outage was yesterday, which is why you didn't see me much. So if I disappear, that's what's happened. Very vexed, I am.

"MICHAEL JACKSON 'LOVE LETTERS' COULD SEND HIM TO PRISON"

MY EYES!

(Thanks, Eric. Thanks a lot.)

Also, regarding the Phil Spector/Lana Clarkson update a few paragraphs down: AngelDust asked me last night if Kelly Clarkson was dead, because there was a story going around that her producer had shot her. I bet you can figure out how this started going around.

LORD OF THE RINGS: RETURN OF THE KING

Holy, holy Moses. Now that's a magazine cover.

THE CAT IN THE HATE

My, it's good to see that the New York Times hates this movie as much as Eric and I do.

DEATHS

All right, finally: Yahoo/AP confirms the Jonathan Brandis death. I still want to know why something that happened nine days ago took this long for the entertainment press to notice.

KING OF DENIAL

USAToday: "Jermaine Jackson angrily defended his brother in an interview with CNN. 'The whole family supports Michael 100%, 1,000%. Michael is innocent,' he said Thursday. 'My brother is not eccentric. We had an incredible, wonderful childhood,' he said. 'And what they're doing is bringing him down with the very thing that he loved. ... At the end of the day, this is nothing but a modern-day lynching.' "

1) He's "not eccentric"? I just--I don't know what to say to that, except that it must be nice living there on Opposite Planet.

2) Dear, it's a bit hard to play the race card when the defendant has surgically morphed himself into a white woman.

UPDATES ON UPDATES

For the second day running, I have had spotty internet access, and I can't figure out why, except that BellSouth DSL is possibly the devil. If I disappear again for a while, that's what's happened. Again.

NEVERLAND UPDATE

Warning: freaky mugshot appears in article. Yahoo/AP: "His hands cuffed behind his back, Michael Jackson (news) was booked on suspicion of child molestation Thursday after arriving by private jet to face charges that could destroy the pop star's career and send him to prison for years."

If they find him guilty--and I think we all have a suspicion that they will, I'm going to be very angry that he was allowed to roam freely and molest more children in the ten years since the first court case he settled with a few million dollars. We've known for ten solid years now that he's turned into a freakshow: we've seen him dangle his own baby; his father has come out and said, "Oh, I didn't beat the boy, I just whipped him good"; he obviously has severe issues about growing up and acting like an adult; and he obviously spends wayyyy to much time around young kids. And you know, I don't think he's doing any of this (if he is doing any of this) out of a sense of cruelty or malice. If he is abusing kids, I honestly think he thinks, in his warped mind, that he's a loving and innocent person. It doesn't hurt the kids any less, of course, and doesn't make it any less of a crime. But it goes a long way in explaining how he's able to defend himself and just not get why the whole world thinks he's a nutter.

DEATHS

More on the Jonathan Brandis mystery: are we sure this time? (Scroll all the way down.)

PEOPLE'S SEXIEST MAN ALIVE

...this year is Johnny Depp, and for the first time in years (Ben Affleck? What were you people thinking?), I agree with them.

TTT EE DVD

I'm not saying I don't like Two Towers... I'm just saying, I saw it twice in the theater and about four times on DVD with different people, and I'm tired. In order to keep my concentration (see the title of this blog), I'm watching the EE with the Spanish subtitles on for added value. And those of you who read this blog on a regular basis may have picked up that I'm a language nerd, so prepare yourself for some palabras tolquienescas ("Mi Tesssssssoro... es nuestro, lo es, y lo queremosssss...")

ETA: Okay, I am a true dork. It makes me very happy to be able to say "It burns! It burns us! It freezes! Take it off us!" in Spanish ("¡Quema! ¡Nos quema! ¡Nos hiela! ¡Quítenosla!").

NEVERLAND UPDATE

Wine, sleeping pills, and South America: the plot thickens.

MONSTER

Lord almighty, Charlize Theron looks ruggid.

HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN

JoBlo has two new pics; writer Mike Sampson also seems to agree with Correspondent Vladimir that Emma Watson "is indeed turning out to be quite a babe."

NEVERLAND UPDATE

Yahoo/Reuters: "Pop superstar Michael Jackson will be charged with multiple counts of child molestation and has been ordered to surrender to California authorities, Santa Barbara County Sheriff Jim Anderson told a news conference on Wednesday."

"ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL"

New York Post: "John Jamelske, the twisted Syracuse rapist who kept women chained up in his underground 'dungeon' over a 15-year period, says he thought he'd only get a slap on the wrist for what he did. 'I'm thinking, you know, maybe I'm gonna get some community service or something of that nature for, you know, a little bit of unlawful imprisonment,' Jamelske tells 'Dateline's' Rob Stafford in an interview airing Friday.

Jamelske pleaded guilty to kidnapping last summer and was sentenced to 18 years to life in prison for secretly imprisoning women in a makeshift dungeon on his property - then holding them for months or years as his sex slaves. Jamelske also calls his dungeon - a series of small, windowless, concrete rooms with no plumbing - 'absolutely beautiful,' and says he wouldn't have minded being held captive down there. The interview airs Friday night."

There are just so many things here that I don't understand.

ALL LOTR, ALL THE TIME

Starz will run a 48-hour (!) marathon December 19-21, two days after ROTK hits theaters, of the FOTR EE, the TV premiere of TTT, and a ROTK behind-the-scenes featurette.

Well, I was getting a little tired of the 24-hour "A Christmas Story" marathon anyway...

MORE STRANGENESS

More on the Jonathan Brandis dead-or-alive mystery--mostly because I have a weird, underutilized journalistic streak. The blog at the link has a weirdly detailed report from a fan who supposedly talked to coroner's office in question; it's also just plain creepy to read something like, "Jon's body is still at the coroner's office. At least, Jon was still there as of closing time today." Maybe it's just the weird mix of personal name and impersonal "body," I don't know...

Anyway: here's why I'm very suspicious about this whole deal. I don't even know what I'm suspicious of, in fact; it all just seems very off to me.

1) Why does the Cleveland Plain Dealer refer to him as "Jonathan Brandis, 27, who starred in the movie The Year That Trembled" (which, yes, was filmed in Ohio) but none of his other credits? You know, such as things we would have actually heard of? Honestly, after I read that, my first thought was "mistaken identity"--someone with a similar name--but I checked the IMDB, and it all checks out.

2) If a '90s teen heartthrob--who has since appeared in Ride with the Devil and Hart's War; he hasn't disappeared entirely--has died, why hasn't anyone but the Cleveland Plain Dealer picked up on it? We've had nothing but celebrity deaths high and low since September. It's to the point now that celebrity deaths get attention if only for the "Who's next?" factor. Hell, forget the Cleveland Plain Dealer. Why hasn't there been any sort of official statement?

3) But on the other hand, if he's actually fine, why hasn't there been a correction issued? Is there no one who can say to these fan sites, "Hey, he's fine, I saw him at the coffee shop yesterday"?

4) The fansite in the top link posted news of his death on Saturday (11/15). The date "November 12" came up somewhere as well. People, it's November 19 as of this writing. And the body's still supposedly at the coroner--after a full week? The hell?

I call shenanigans, people.

NEVERLAND UPDATE

Yahoo/AP: "Court TV cited unidentified sources as saying the search warrant was tied to sexual-abuse allegations brought by a 12- or 13-year-old boy. Sheriff's officials and the district attorney's office refused comment. Jackson spokesman Stuart Backerman also refused to comment on any allegations and said neither he nor Jackson knew the details of the investigation.

Sixty to 70 investigators [damn!] from the Santa Barbara County sheriff's and district attorney's offices served a warrant as part of an 'ongoing criminal investigation,' Sgt. Chris Pappas said. No immediate arrests were made. Backerman said Jackson and his three young children were not at the ranch at the time and have been in Las Vegas, where Jackson is making a video.

Jackson denounced media coverage of the search in a statement released by Backerman to The Associated Press. 'I've seen lawyers who don't represent me and spokespeople who do not know me speaking for me. These characters always seem to surface with dreadful allegations just as another project, an album, a video is being released,' the Jackson statement said."

DEATHS

This is so sad--I had no idea. Coming Soon: "Oscar-nominated composer, conductor and arranger Michael Kamen, one of Hollywood's most sought-after musicians, died at age 55 Tuesday after suffering from multiple sclerosis for several years, members of his family said.

Kamen died in a hospital in London, where he had lived with his wife and two daughters. Doctors were unable to resuscitate Kamen following a 'cardiac event.'

The native New Yorker and Juilliard School of Music Graduate was one of Hollywood's most successful composers who worked on music for the 'Lethal Weapon' series and scored Die Hard among many other films.

He was first diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in 1996, but did not go public about the disease until late September. Multiple sclerosis is an inflammatory disease of the central nervous system that causes various disabilities.

Kamen composed the music for such films as Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, Mr. Holland's Opus and X-Men, plus the HBO series Band of Brothers. He earned his first Academy Award nomination in 1991 for '(Everything I Do) I Do It for You,' the Bryan Adams pop hit from the movie, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves."

DEATHS

All right--you know Jonathan Brandis, from "Seaquest DSV" and Ladybugs and Neverending Story 2 and all that? Well, the rumor is going around today that he's dead, and a couple of fansites, according to the FT forums, have "confirmation" of this, by which they mean "a couple of fangirls called the LA county coroner's office, which doesn't actually answer questions like this from random fans, so whatever." I'm pretty sure AngelDust had a thing for him; he was rather after my time, but I still want to know if it's true. So: here's an all-points-bulletin for a credible news source that can confirm the story. So far, I can't find anything on Yahoo (which has articles from Reuters, E!, the AP wire, USAToday, etc.). Leave a comment if you see anything.

BUST AT NEVERLAND RANCH

Yahoo: "Investigators conducting a criminal probe swarmed Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch on Tuesday, a sheriff's spokesman said. The purpose of the search was not disclosed. Authorities from the Santa Barbara County sheriff's and district attorney's offices served a warrant about 8:30 a.m. as part of an 'ongoing criminal investigation,' Sgt. Chris Pappas said in a recorded statement on a media information line."

More on this as it goes down.

SNERK

Tucked into the Salon review of the TTT EE: "Later, lamenting the cutting of some Treebeard scenes and declaring the Ent to be his favorite character, [Peter] Jackson says he wants to make a spinoff TV series set in Fangorn Forest. 'Nothing happens ... or I could make Treebeard a kind of crime-fighting tree who solves mysteries in Fangorn. He just doesn't do it very quickly.' "

THE DARK CRYSTAL: COLLECTOR'S EDITION

Awwwww, man, screw y'all! I just bought a DVD of this a year ago, and it was a good DVD! Bastards.

DAVID SEDARIS: LIVE AT CARNEGIE HALL

I want this CD. I have been privileged to hear him tell some of these stories at the Alys Stephens Center here in town a while back, and the Lovely Emily and I, in fact, stalked him when he was at Birmingham-Southern for the Writing Today conference a few years ago. Not only were we in the front row for his session/signing after hearing his luncheon speech, but he then hung out with a roomful of students in the writing program and answered questions, and--I swear--saw us sit down right in front of him and smiled and said, "Oh God, it's you two again!" Also, he signed Em's book, I know what you look like naked. I am still jealous, because he only wished me luck on my novel in my copy.

SUPERMAN

Natalie Portman as Lois Lane?

DODGEBALL: THE MOVIE

More from Pamie: the regular neighborhood bar is transformed into something called "Dirty Sanchez" for the new Ben Stiller movie. Warning: there is a link to a list of several euphemisms for dirty sexual acts. No, I mean literally dirty. Read this list at your own peril, and don't say I didn't warn you.

DOWN WITH BOOK SNOBS!

A link to Time magazine from Pamie's blog:

"At a Marriott Hotel in New York City this week, the National Book Foundation plans to hand Stephen King its Medal for Distinguished Contribution to American Letters. Previous recipients of the medal include Saul Bellow, Philip Roth, Arthur Miller and Toni Morrison, which makes King, an unrepentant horror monger, a controversial choice, to say the least. Shakespeare scholar and self-appointed canonmaker Harold Bloom called it a 'terrible mistake' and added that King was an 'immensely inadequate writer.'

News of King's crowning met with predictable sneers from the literary snobs, along with a few weak and equally predictable cheers from the reverse snobs. But both sides are kind of missing the point, which is that we — that is, we readers — have an odd and deeply ingrained habit of dividing books into two mutually exclusive heaps, one high and literary and one low and trashy, and we should stop it. Books aren't high or low. They're just good or bad."

The article goes on to say that only 25% of books sold are "mainstream," and within that are the highbrow writers, so basically less than a quarter of the books we read are "good literature." More:

"Reading literature and having a damn good time had become quietly but decidedly uncoupled. And yet we think of this state of affairs as normal, and it has left us with a set of perverse biases that persist to this day. We have a high tolerance for boredom and difficulty. We praise rich, complex, lyrical prose, but we don't really appreciate the pleasures of a well-paced, gracefully structured plot. Or, worse, we appreciate them, but we are embarrassed about it. Somewhere along the line, we learned to associate the deliciousness of a cracking good yarn — that ineffable sense of things falling into place and connecting with one another in an accelerating, exhilarating cascade — with shame, as if literature shouldn't be this much fun, and if it is, it isn't literature. I'm sure some psychiatrist somewhere has a name for associating pleasure with shame, but I think we can all agree that it's a little sick."

I agree, but I don't imagine the Franzens and Foster Wallaces are going to take kindly to this diagnosis. It just makes me think of how I was terrified to take Black Ribbon to my workshop because it actually had a plot instead of several pages of whiny emo-writer ennui.

HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN

Yeah... I don't care what CHUD says, I refuse to believe this is a real poster. It just doesn't have the finesse of the previous HP artwork. Not that I'm going to complain about a Gary Oldman headshot, mind you...

ETA: CHUD's seen the light.

TRIPOLI

Look, I know that Russell Crowe can act rings around Keanu Reeves. It's a testament to the assitude of one and the hotness of the other that I am actually interested in this movie now.

GIRL, DON'T FORGET TO SPELLCHECK

This is the most awesome Strong Bad email in a long, long time. It is absolutely necessary that you click on the little Trodgor-muscular arm at the end of the cartoon and listen to "Strong Bad's Rhythm N' Grammar" while you're at it.

HER HUSBAND

I loved Diane Middlebrook's Suits Me: The Double Life of Billy Tipton, and I've become interested in Sylvia Plath's poetry after seeing a presentation in my workshop. With the Paltrow/Plath movie coming out, I imagine a lot of people have Sylvia on their minds right now, so you might want to check out this provocative interview with Middlebrook on the subject of her new Plath-and-Hughes bio, Her Husband.

PETER PAN

Ooo, shots of Ludivine Sagnier as Tinkerbell! Also, Latino Review found this link at "jasonisaacsphotoalbumsonline.com," so, as you can imagine, this is like the Promised Land of Captain Hook pictures.

THE PASSION OF CHRIST

This is fascinating--scroll down to the bottom of the review and make sure you read all five. The four reviewers who have an academic background in film (a critic), history (a professor), or religion (a rabbi and a priest) dislike the movie, find its portrayal of Jews to be "unfair," the movie to be unnecessarily violent, and hope that people don't go see it, because they won't see the huge inaccuracies. The one reader who has no such background--she's "a director of volunteer gardeners"--finds the movie "riveting," "fair," and "a must-see." I have a bad feeling about this.

CARNIVÀLE

I am so confused.

LEMONY SNICKET

Awww! Ewan McGregor reads A Series of Unfortunate Events aloud to his kids: "We’re up to the sixth book, and they are absolutely brilliant books. They’re a quite wonderful read and they also read aloud very nicely. There’s another popular series of children’s books about a wizard that don’t read too well. But, unlike them, I find that the Lemony Snicket books are excellent for reading out loud."

I think my womb just skipped a beat.

BROTHERS GRIMM

Ooo, Coming Soon has magazine scans. Also: Jonathan Pryce looks like he's in pain there.

BOX OFFICE THROWDOWN

Coming Soon: "In a major upset, the Will Ferrell comedy Elf dipped only 12.5% in its second weekend to top the box office, out-gunning the big-budget Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World. (...) Warner Bros. The Matrix Revolutions took a significant 66.4% drop in its second weekend, adding about $16.3 million."

See? I was just one week off on that Elf prediction!

THE LION, THE WITCH, AND THE WARDROBE

I told you so:

The film will NOT be called "The Hundred Year Winter." That is their codename, ala "Blue Harvest" for Return of the Jedi. All materials have been marked as such except the script, but I was told this first hand. (Coming Soon)

"I WANT PORN AND CHOCOLATE!"

So do we all, Elijah. So do we all.

THE OTHER SHOE DROPS

With all the talk of how file-sharing robs the music industry of money, I was waiting for the issue of libraries to come up, and it finally has.

HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN

Heeeeee. Poor Gary Oldman. Go to the new POA official site and check out the wanted poster animation. I don't know why it's such a striking image, but it is, and it looks like WB is going to run with it.

THE ONE HUNDRED YEAR WINTER?

Okay, I'm calling bullshit on this one. There is no way that a studio would rename "The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe" and have that new name be "The Hundred Year Winter." Because if they're starting a new franchise, and this is the first movie, all you've got is name recognition to bring the audience in. This has got to be some sort of decoy title to keep people from bugging the production (this was posted on an industry site).

This same site reveals that "Power Rangers: Dino Thunder" will film in Auckland, which is completely terrifying. Coming Soon adds that another film on that list, Peter Jackson's King Kong, may shoot for a December 14, 2005 release. Dude, that's my birthday!

ALEXANDER

Aaaaand here's your first look at Angelina Jolie. As Colin Farrell's mom. (I'm telling you, guys, that Oil of Olay is worth its weight in gold.)

PETER PAN

Latino Review has an awesome new poster up.

BLOGGER'S GOT YOUR BACK, MAN

Blogger has a few ideas regarding that "Mom Finds Out About Blog" article on The Onion to help you cover your ass.

COMING SOON TO THE LAND OF MIDDLEFINGER

Coming Soon: "MGM has made bought the rights to Henry Bates and the Sorcerer's Balls - a spoof of the 'Harry Potter' and 'Lord of the Rings' franchises. The studio is looking to conjure up a fantasy parody in the vein of the 'Scary Movie' horror-spoof franchise. 'Our good wizard is Gandolfini, who goes against the evil wizard Enron,' Morgasen told Variety. 'The quest involves Henry Bates, the rightful king of the land of Middlefinger.'"

1. Does anyone remember that Scary Movie 3 was originally going to be subtitled "Episode III: Lord of the Brooms"?

2. Okay, "Gandolfini" and "Middlefinger." You got me. (Snerk.)

3. I know there's going to be a "Master Bates" joke prominently featured. You can't fool me. And you'd totally be ripping it off Defoe, who used it some two hundred years ago for two pages straight at the beginning of Robinson Crusoe. No, I am not kidding. (See? Those old English-lit guys aren't as uptight as you thought.)

HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN

Ooo, it's Emma Thompson as Trelawney!

WHICH "FRIEND" ARE YOU?

Man, I'm "the seventh friend." What a sucky quiz.

TTT:EE DVD REVIEW

Damn, yo. Folks is gettin' slap-happy in Middle Earth. (Last picture. Now my teeth hurt.)

THE ONE BARBIE

It's official: The One Barbie (extremely dorky mate included) can be yours for only $59.97. No, I get no commission off this. I just think that it's hilarious.

"WOMAN MENTALLY BREAKS UP WITH COLIN FARRELL"

Oh, don't lie--you have totally done this yourself.

*BLINK*

We've replaced these fans' regular "Harry Potter" with 700,000 words' worth of decaf "Jessica Kayes" crystals. Will they notice? Let's watch!

APOLOGIES TO ADORESIXTYFOUR

I just wanted to say that I got sick, got busy, and flaked out on you, man, and I'm sorry. I totally meant to put a link to the site a good two weeks ago, and... didn't. So you get a special mention. Bygones?

"MOM FINDS OUT ABOUT BLOG"

The Onion: Widmar said he expects his site to provide Lillian with ample cause for worry.

"Even on that benign front page, she found something to freak out about," Widmar said. "She read the entry for Monday, where I mentioned how much I hate my job, and e-mailed to say that she hoped I wasn't thinking of quitting in this economy."

"Mom had a fit when she found out that I put my television on my credit card," Widmar added. "If she reads about how I was with my friend Jayson when he got pulled over for drunk driving, I'll never hear the end of it."

"Oh God," Widmar said with a gasp. "Three days ago, I wrote something about buying pot!"

Yeah, but has she found your LiveJournal yet?

MORE NEW PICTURES

Empire Movies: "An anonymous scooper sent us tonnes of new pics yesterday and among them were some great ones from Kevin Smith's Jersey Girl starring paparazzi favs Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez. Also, we've pics from upcoming movies including I Heart Huckabees (Jude Law, Naomi Watts), Miracle (Kurt Russell), Kill Bill Vol. 2, Raising Helen (Kate Hudson), Johnson Family Vacation (Cedric the Entertainer), Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (Lindsay Lohan), Mr. 3000 (Bernie Mac) and Ladder 49 (Joaquin Phoenix and John Travolta)."

KILL BILL

Latino Review has three links to various pictures from Vol. 2; the best ones are probably here. (Warning: some spoilers.)

BIG FISH

Latino Review has some very interesting pictures up. (Methuselah McEyepatch over there--is that Helena Bonham Carter?)

PRISONER OF AZKABAN TRAILER

I can't get it to load, but fortunately there are screen caps. (Oh, Snape in drag, you are so silly.) (Thanks, Mack.)

AWWW!

This makes me so sad, because I remember clips of Christopher Lee saying in the publicity for FOTR, "I only hope I live to see the third movie."

Ananova: "Christopher Lee has been dropped from the new Lord of the Rings film. The actor, who plays evil wizard Samuran, said he was 'shocked' to learn that his scenes have been cut out of the movie. He had expected to play a pivotal role in the climax of the film, The Return Of The King, which is released next month. But the 81-year-old star said his scenes have ended up on the cutting room floor.

He said: 'Yes, it is true. The only reason I'm able to say this is because it was on the internet and has been for some days. I only heard recently. 'As far as I'm concerned, I'm only telling you this because it has been revealed on the internet, someone has talked and it certainly wasn't me. Of course I am very shocked, that's all I can say.'

Lee said he was mystified by the decision: 'If you want to know why you would have to ask the company New Line or director Peter Jackson and his associates because I still don't really know why,' he said. He added: 'I can't say any more because I signed a confidentiality agreement and I honoured my word.'

The actor, star of the first two Lord of the Rings films, said he had expected to appear in seven minutes' worth of the climactic scenes. And he plans to boycott the film's premiere when it is released next month. Asked if he would attend, he said: 'No, what's the point? What's the point of going? None at all.'"

Y'all, the man is eighty-one. He met Tolkien. Peter Jackson has got to put him back into the theatrical cut stat.

HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN

Trailer. Go now.

BROKEN GLASS

How can Stephen Glass redeem himself? Slate has a few ideas ("donate both his kidneys to an ill Guatemalan"; "root for the Red Sox and the Cubs for the rest of his life"; "go away").

"JUDGE: NO WINNER IN ROSIE O'DONNELL CASE"

Snerk. Salon: "A judge ruled Wednesday that neither Rosie O'Donnell nor the publisher of her former magazine deserves damages in their dispute over its demise.

Minutes after both sides rested in the case, state Supreme Court Justice Ira Gammerman issued his surprising ruling to conclude the bench trial. 'It seems to me ... we're just dealing with bragging rights here, who wins and who loses,' Gammerman said. With his ruling, neither side wins - although O'Donnell could still ask for publisher Gruner+Jahr USA to cover her legal fees.

Gammerman said there was no evidence or testimony during the contentious trial indicating that either side had caused the other to suffer damages. Both parties invested money, the magazine lost money, and then it folded, he said. 'There's no evidence that the magazine would have made any money at all,' he said."

THROWDOWN IN VEGAS

Yahoo: "Actor Christian Slater (news) received 20 stitches to the back of his head after his wife allegedly hurled a drinking glass at him during an argument in their Las Vegas hotel room, police said on Tuesday. Slater's wife, Ryan Haddon, was arrested on a misdemeanor charge of domestic battery after Monday's incident at the Hard Rock Hotel but the film star declined to press charges, according to Carla Alston, a spokeswoman for the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department."

Damn, twenty stitches?

MERCHANT OF VENICE

You know, if neither Cate Blanchett nor Ian McKellen are going to be in this, my interest has completely evaporated. I have no interest in just seeing Al Pacino bluster his way through the role of Shylock ("Do we not bleed? Hoo-ah!").

LORD OF THE RINGS: RETURN OF THE KING

Extreme spoiler (for those of you who have not noticed the title of the movie yet). For you spoilerhounds/Aragorn lovers: Squeeeeeee!

VRITUAL BOOK TOURS?

I'm really tempted to sign up for this (to be a tour site, that is)--what do you guys think?

ATTENTION, NEIGHBORHOOD PERVS

A LiveJournaller on my friends list posted a link to three minutes of the Paris Hilton sex tape. You know, I love reading the hentai reviews and "The Horrors of Porn" writeups on Something Awful, but even I can't bring myself to click that link.

NEWSTRACKER

All right, after an unfortunate week off with the flu, the news is back up. Unfortunately, it's last night's news that Page Builder wouldn't let me post, but it's the best I could do under the circumstances, given that the Philip Larkin packet I have to put together and Xerox 23 times by tomorrow night is still looming over me like an angel of death. (Procrastinate much? Ohhh, nooo, why do you ask?)

MMM, FISHING

A new Weebl and Bob's up ("Bum eyes! Bum eyes!").

PRISONER OF AZKABAN

I hadn't seen a couple of these USAToday scans before--notable are the dementor hand, the Sirius wanted poster, and a glimpse of Lupin at the bottom of the Dumbledore picture. (So far? Liking Oldman as Sirius. Thewlis has not sold me on Lupin yet.)

GLADIATRESS

WTF?

MILLION DOLLAR BILL.EXE

New Strong Bad email!

BUST A MOO

Home on the Range: Yet another Disney movie I will not be seeing.

THE CAT IN THE HATE

Brian Grazer says he's received a draft for "The Cat in the Hat Comes Back," which will start shooting in six to eight months. The principal cast will return; Baby Jesus weeps.

LEMONY SNICKET

Luis Guzman will play Olaf's henchman the bald man (heh. I can see it) and Craig Ferguson playing the hench...person... of indeterminate gender.

"SIMPSONS PLANT SEEDS OF INVENTION"

I'll be damned. Some guy has actually grown a tomacco plant that grows fruit with lethal amounts of nicotine.

RETURN OF THE KING SOUNDTRACK

Holy Christ, the clips are gorgeous. I understand now why someone on some forum somewhere said she was crying.

ETA: Correspondent Vladimir has sent me two TTT EE pictures. Very small spoilers over at my LJ.

BEST QUIZ QUESTION EVER

Look, it doesn't matter why I'm up at four in the morning, unable to sleep and taking stupid Quizilla quizzes. The point is, I ended up on the "Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?" quiz, and I hit this question:

"How do you dress?"

Best answer ever: "...why are you still talking?! I HATE CLOTHES AND I HATE YOU!"

AVERAGE JOE

I missed the first run of the show but I'm catching the rerun, and it is predictably awesome. I love how they sent the Extremely Hot Guy up at first to tell her, "I'm not one of the guys on the show, but I just wanted to wish you luck," and then they sent up a busload of fat/ scrawny/ balding/ hirsute/ shy/ crude/ gawky/ nerdy/ dorky/ deluded guys for real, and--you know what? She really does make that face on the show, the one she makes in the commercial, when the very first guy steps out. You know, the look like someone poured ice water down the back of her dress. The saddest part is that every single guy walks away from meeting Melana and gushes to the camera, "She's so hot!!" And Melana is like, "Ninety-five percent of those guys are not my type."

Next awesome moment: Melana tries on Bespectacled Guy's glasses. "She looked so ravishingly awesome," he says. "Of course, without my glasses, I couldn't see her very well..."

Next awesome moment: Extremely Obese Guy with Four-Alarm Rosacea says in confessional, "Four guys are gonna be cut tonight, and it ain't gonna be me. So there's four guys out tonight, and then at least four others who [have made asses of themselves--I didn't quite catch the wording], so that leaves me a one-in-eight chance to get some hot [bleeeeeep]."

Classy.

SOMETHING AWFUL

All right. Having got in trouble over one spoiler already this evening, I want to make this perfectly clear: DO NOT click the link above UNLESS you know (or want to know) the end of BOTH Matrix Revolutions and Return of the King. SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER. That said, it cracks my shit up the way Something Awful decided to parody a Tiger Beat-style teenie magazine by spiking it with random spoilers. You know, just to piss folks off. Heh.

HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN

Yet another picture from USAToday. Is it possible to spoil Harry Potter? I don't know, but what I considered a spoiler is just flung right out there in the paragraph below the picture, so if you haven't read the books yet...

YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST

Look, I know I'm crazy, but what if I'm right? That's why I want it on the record: I think Elf will be #1 this weekend. Matrix Revolutions is getting awful word of mouth and it's had two days for the hardcore fans to get out and see it. (Yes, it made a shitload of money in those two days. But less than Matrix Reloaded in the same time period...) But I honestly think that for the Friday-Sunday time period, Elf will be #1: it has a lower rating (meaning more people can see it), it's funny, it's family friendly, and Will Farrell is at the top of his game right now. Matrix Revolutions seems to have been pegged by and large as the disappointing sequel to a disappointing sequel. In fact, the Matrix sequels have probably gotten worse reps than they deserved, but hype's a double-edged sword, man. It could happen.

WHAAAAT?

Saruman and Wormtongue won't be in ROTK. They'll be on the DVD. I can't believe it. We've been fussing over what happens to them for months, and now they won't even be in the movie. Christopher Lee, people!

TROY

Finally, some stills at the official site.

WHATEVER IT WAS, I DIDN'T DO IT

Wired News: "Britain's public was agog and its newshounds salivating on Friday over perhaps the most bizarre royal scandal yet -- the case of what Prince Charles says he didn't do. After days of feverish speculation that a bombshell was about to detonate in the press, the heir to the throne sent his private secretary to deny he had done something apparently so outrageous that nobody is allowed to say what it was, or wasn't."

I have to know what this is. I'm awful--I am the original Curiosity Cat, let me tell you what, and I would like to encourage anyone who has any idea what this is about to leave a comment or email me or something, because wow.

For my money, I'm going to say it involves rugby players, goats, and whipped cream.

MORE PRISONER OF AZKABAN

Pictures of Dumbledore and Aunt Marge, to be specific.

"WHICH LOTR CHARACTER DID YOU DRESS AS FOR HALLOWEEN?"

Look, I think this poll's as smurfy as the next person, but I really liked the choice that so far has garnered 4.7% of the vote: "Dumbledore... oh wait, I am on the wrong website again."

ONCE IN A LIFETIME OFFER!

Literary It Girl Zoe Trope has offered to send a signed copy of Please Don't Kill the Freshman to anyone who pays for her LJ account for a year. I would just like to announce, here and now, that anyone who pays for a year of my LiveJournal will get a signed copy of... uh... this blog...? (Shut up.)

JOAN OF ARCADIA

For those of you keeping score, I swear I just saw The Boy From The Ring in a commercial for The Show Starring The Girl (You Know, The One? With The Face?) From The Ring.

NO SCREENERS, NO PEACE

The Chicago Film Critics Association has put the kibosh on its 2003 awards to protest the MPAA's refusal to let anyone other than Academy members have screeners. I think that's fair, quite honestly--if the MPAA doesn't want to spring for screeners, critics groups shouldn't have to give out awards to the only movies they then might be able get to see--big-budget studio projects. Think about it: you know how Oscar bait movies have qualifying runs in NY and LA? What is the Chicago critics' group supposed to do? Dallas? Phoenix? Kansas City?

THE HORROR

Time (link from TORN): "At 39, Crowe is a three-time Academy Award nominee (he won Best Actor for 2000's Gladiator). He is not yet the biggest box-office draw on the planet (that's Tom Cruise), but he has jumped Cruise and Tom Hanks in many directors' casting wish lists. "He gets offered everything—or everything good—first," says an agent. (Crowe turned down the Hugh Grant part in About a Boy, the Laurence Fishburne part in The Matrix and Viggo Mortensen's role in The Lord of the Rings, among others.) But where Hanks and Cruise insinuated their way into moviegoers' hearts by exuding amiability on- and offscreen, Crowe has pulled off a far more unlikely trick: he is one of the world's biggest stars and is frequently perceived as one of the world's biggest jerks."

Shut up, man. That shit ain't funny.

TROY

Speaking of the Troy trailer...

MATRIX TIMELINE

A nifty idea, I guess--courtesy of MSN Entertainment, no less.

AngelDust: "They don't have anything for 2003."

Cleo: "What happened in 2003?"

AngelDust: "It sucked."

THE MATRIX REVOLUTIONS

Despite having opened on a non-summer Wednesday just like its predecessor (i.e., all things being relatively equal), the third Matrix has only opened at $24.3 million. (Reloaded opened at $37.5.)

AngelDust: "Last night! I saw! The Orlando Bloom trailer!"
[She means Troy.]

Cleo: "How was it?"

AngelDust: "It was gooood."

Cleo: "What movie'd you see again?"

AngelDust: "Matrix."

Cleo: "How was that?"

AngelDust: "It sucked."

[I ask her about a few spoilers and the answers displease me so much that I vow never to speak to the Wachowskis again.]

AngelDust: "And there was this fight scene that was like never going to end, and it was like, just die already."

Cleo: "What about the Architect, was he in it--did you see Reloaded?"

AngelDust: "Nah, I haven't seen the first two movies. Well, I saw bits and pieces of the first one."

Cleo [slightly boggled]: "Did you have any trouble figuring out what was going on or anything?"

AngelDust: "Shpfff. I understood what was going on just fine. It sucked."


Staffer consensus so far: Correspondent Vladimir didn't like it, either.

HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN

The Z Review has five new pics. Nice.

"LIARS GET CANCER"

IMDB: "A former employee at Rosie O'Donnell's defunct Rosie magazine burst into tears when she was told that 'liars get cancer' by the comedienne. Cindy Spengler was head of marketing at the publication, and testified yesterday that O'Donnell made the remark after a meeting to discuss the magazine's problems. Spengler says O'Donnell told her that silence in the meeting was tantamount to lying. She quotes O'Donnell as saying, 'You know what happens to people who lie. They get sick and they get cancer. If they keep lying, they get it again.'" The hell?

LORD OF THE RINGS: RETURN OF THE KING

If you can deal with the less-than-perfect English of this translation ("the chief Uruk who slains Boromir." Now he dead from orc), Caltanet has an interesting interview with prosthetic/makeup artist Gino Acevedo.

A SKULK OF FOXES, A ROMP OF OTTERS

I randomly found this page linked in a TWOP recap (the CSI ep about the furries. Yes, I know. Ew), but it is so incredibly awesome. Come on. A "murmuration of starlings"? An "ostentation of peacocks"? A "smack of jellyfish"? Too awesome.

ALEXANDER

More shots of Blond!Colin looking like fifteen kinds of ass. You know, Correspondent Vladimir tells me that all the guys' legs are shaved to be historically accurate. (Not making that up.)

LEMONY SNICKET

Timothy Spall (soon to be seen as Peter Pettigrew in Prisoner of Azkaban) will play Mr. Poe. Hmm... not sure if I like it. (You know, because my approval is crucial and all.)

"AGENT SMITH, MY ONE AND ONLY"

Hee. Testify!

ETA: HEY! This was written by Wing! Boy, am I slow.

Also: the FT folks are coming back with reports from early screenings, and... it doesn't look good, kids.

THE RING 2

Gore Verbinski is out (probably because he has two Pirates sequels to deal with) and some commercials director named Noam Murro is in ("Murro caught the attention of DreamWorks executives with a darkly toned "Got Milk?" commercial he directed for the California Milk Processor Board that features a boy who can predict unfortunate future events." I have not seen this, but now I'm sort of piqued).

(Also, Correspondent Vladimir? You can stop gloating right now.)

Naomi Watts and David Dorfman (the spooky son--who was also in Texas Chainsaw Massacre last month. Yes, that's where you recognized that kid from) will both return. Sadly, one can only assume that Martin Henderson will not. (They had best get Daveigh Chase to come back, that's all I'm going to say.) Coming Soon adds that the plot is "tightly under wraps," although one would also assume that it would involve unmarked videotapes and things dripping water and a freaky corpse girl. It's nice to know that you can count on a few things in this crazy world.

PIECE OF MY HEART

Coming Soon: "Anne Meredith has been set to script Piece of My Heart, Lakeshore/Paramount's Janis Joplin biopic, in which Renee Zellweger plans to star next year. Zellweger is producing with Tom Rosenberg and Gary Lucchesi. Meredith wrote the script for Bastard Out of Carolina and followed that with the Holocaust film Out of the Ashes."

I really have nothing on-topic to add to this; I just wanted to mention that, when I was an undergrad, I worked at a video store with a sweaty kleptomaniac who was also a glitter-nailpolish-wearing Janis Joplin impersonator. Not a good one, either.

"WHY DOES MY GUARDIAN ANGEL MAKE FUN OF JESUS?"

There's really nothing in this "advice" column that lives up to that headline, but really, I can't think of anything that could top it anyway.

TO SOLVE HUNGER

Yahoo: "With tongue planted firmly in cheek, the members of Tenacious D announced Monday that they would begin a 45-day hunger strike at 5 p.m. In a satirical move to promote the DVD 'The Complete Masterworks,' due Tuesday via Epic, members Jack Black (news) and Kyle Gass said they will climb into a seven-foot by three-foot by seven-foot glass box 50 yards above Times Square at the intersection of 45th Street and Broadway, where they will remain for the length of the strike. The intersection is the location of MTV studios, where they were to appear on Monday's episode of 'Total Request Live.' Actor/singer/guitarist Black said the strike would end early one three conditions: if 'The Complete Masterworks' goes platinum, if 'hunger is solved' or if there is peace in Middle East. The duo made the announcement dressed in silver and white superhero costumes, with the letter 'D' covering their barrel-shaped chests, white gloves on their hands and white capes tied around their necks. In addition to water and one red cell phone, Black quipped that they would bring one guitar into the glass box with them. 'If we need extra nourishment, we will live off each others' rock.' "

ALEXANDER

The pictures of Blond!Colin just get more and more unfortunate.

LORD OF THE RINGS: RETURN OF THE KING

War of the Ring has several good scans from the new Visual Companion. The official site also has a Minas Tirith feature up.

TOMATO NATION

Sars' latest: "I wonder why Little Joe [the cat] is chewing on a nickel. I wonder why I bother wondering about that, since Little Joe will eat and/or play with anything that isn't nailed down, will eat and/or play with most nailed-down items as well, hates me, is crazy, is evil, is crazy-evil, and owes me five cents."

I DON'T FEEL SO GOOD

Ow. Not going to class tonight. Either have stomach flu or food poisoning. Which is just to say, sorry for the lack of blogging today. I'll see if I can update the Digest.

As a consolation, I will get to see Joe Millionaire and Average Joe tonight. I know, I know. But that time? When Evan and Sarah? Slipped off into the woods to hook up with their mikes still on? And the show actually put the caption "Ooh... ahh... [slurp]" on the screen? Was one of the most awesome moments in reality-TV history.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

CHUD's X2 review: "As with all blockbuster releases, the original movie left the ending wide open – much like a cat in heat, parading around with its tail in the air and its dirty mimsy on display."

My next garage band is so going to be named "Dirty Mimsy."

"CHECK OUT MY NEW COSPLAY!"

Strong Bad reviews the various pictures of Homestar Runner Halloween costumes that have been sent in to the site. My favorite? "Dumpy Robert Smith Action Figure Sold Separately."

Y TU NUN-CLOWN TAMBIÉN

Eric dresses up as a nun-clown for Halloween. First terror, then hilarity ensues.

CARNIVÀLE

Ooo, that was a good one. Totally hooked on this show (motto: “Hòoked On Phonìcs Wòrked For Mè!”) now. Watched the marathon all afternoon to catch myself up, and Nick Stahl has started to grow on me and everything. Although "Scudder" is starting to become to this show what "Samantha" was to The X-Files--abandon hope all ye who hear that name, because ain't no questions gettin' answered this episode. Also: could Patrick Bauchau make Lodz sound any more like Hannibal Lecter? Seriously, it's getting ridiculous. Oh, and--Debra Christofferson is very pretty and I think it's brilliant to have her play this character, but--guys? No more Bearded Lady sex scenes. Please. I'm begging you. I'm still too traumatized by the whip-sniffing.

YE GODS AND LITTLE FISHES

A post over at Fandom Wank: "Apparently in the new novel [Blood Canticle, Lestat's] favorite band is the Dixie Chicks which, coincidentally, is Anne's favorite band." Let me count the ways in which that is so, so wrong...

THE ONE BARBIE

Oh yeah. It looks bad.

"A SHARK BIT ME!"

Yahoo [edited down for length]: "But while [13-year-old surfing star] Bethany Hamilton was lying on her board off Kauai's North Shore, a shark bit once and then disappeared, taking off her left arm just below the shoulder.

'Nobody saw it happen. She just yelled, 'A shark bit me!'' said her father, Tom Hamilton.

Bethany Hamilton, who remained in stable condition after the attack Friday morning, talked of the attack Saturday. 'My arm was hanging in the water, and it just came and bit me,' Hamilton told Honolulu television station KGMB. She said the shark pulled her back and forth, 'but I just held on my board, and then it let go.'

'It was a very clean amputation,' Dr. David Rovinsky said.

The shark took a chunk out of Bethany's surfboard that measured about 16 inches across and 8 inches deep, penetrating nearly to the center of the board, which suggests the shark was 12 to 15 feet long, Kauai fire Battalion Chief Bob Kaden said. It may have been a tiger shark, said Randy Honebrink, spokesman for the state Shark Task Force.

Bethany is a competitive surfer who already had secured sponsorships and was expected to go pro, according to the Hanalei Surf Online Web site. In August, she won the explorer women's division of the National Scholastic Surfing Association's Open and Explorer event on Kauai. In May, she won the women's division at the Local Motion-Ezekiel Surf Into Summer contest at Ala Moana on Oahu, beating out older surfers. 'She is probably the best young surfer I have ever seen,' said Bobo Bollin, who works at the Hanalei Surf Company, which sponsors a surf team that includes Bethany. 'She was going to be the women's world champion and I think she still will be.' "

All humor aside, this kid is a total bad-ass, and here's hoping she nails that championship someday...

...but my favorite part of the article is: "Neither the injury nor the beach closure deterred dozens of people from surfing Saturday in the waters where the attack took place. 'To not surf would be like taking away your breath,' said Jill Schwed, 36, a Kilauea masseuse." As opposed to, you know, "To surf right now would be like a shark taking away your arm."

I MUST BE INSANE

Congratulations! You are officially registered as a writer in the fifth-annual National Novel Writing Month. Your name will now stand proudly alongside the other participants who have agreed to sacrifice friends, family and valuable TV time to the quest for supremely adequate book-length fiction. It's great to have you with us.

Along with the welcome email you just received, we are also sending you an invisible, indestructible dose of writerly whoop-ass. You feel that tingle in your hands? That's the force being beamed through our broadband connection.

This miasma of energy will stay with you throughout November, rendering you impervious to writer's block, self-criticism, and dishwashing duties for the entire month. This potent aura can be called upon whenever you need it. Some practical uses include:

> Crafting lovable, nuanced characters who speak in brilliantly apt metaphors and embody the complex truths of our modern age.
> Transforming half-baked story ideas into unexpectedly coherent plots.
> Smiting enemies.
> Opening hard-to-turn lids on jars.

So go for it. The writing world is yours for the taking.


ETA: All right. My first 1200 words or so. Premise: Our Miss Jones is on the run, desperately trying to write her serial before 1) her time and 2) her money are up and she "die[s] homeless in a gutter in Bangkok, with hungry kittens eating [her] toes."

NATIONAL NOVEL WRITING MONTH

Goddammit! There's no way I'd be able to do this and finish two installments of Black Ribbon this month, and I would have loved to have tried this.

"WE DON'T THINK THERE WAS ANY MALICE AGAINST THE PRESIDENT"

CNN/Netscape: "A woman rammed a car carrying children into a building where President Bush was campaigning on Saturday, drawing a swarm of police in her wake before being dragged away at gunpoint." Whoa. Dude. That is hardcore.

HOLDER OF AN HONORARY FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

...as Dave Barry would say. There's some beat-up black car sitting half in the mouth of my driveway and half on my neighbor's lawn. I would say that there's a 98.2% chance that the driver was totally wasted. The weird thing is, I live in a borderline-snooty little cul-de-sac (let me put it this way: for a while I nicknamed it "Peyton Place"), so it's not like some wacko was just passing by. He had to drive up to the top of the hill and then come back down again, because the car is facing the main road. The car is also jammed up against a phone box on my neighbor's lawn so that the driver's side door cannot open.

(So my immediate question is: did the guy get wasted today, or did he get so incredibly wasted last night for Halloween that he is still inebriated Saturday evening?)

The other weird thing is that--well, this driver is only hypothetically, really, because while I see 1) two cops, 2) a cop car, 3) a wrecker, and 4) a little boy, who may be a neighborhood kid ("Whatcha doin'? ...Whatcha doin' now?") or (more disturbingly) a passenger in the car. And in the deepening twilight, I see no one in the driver's seat, no one in the car, and no one who is 1) not a cop and 2) not a little boy standing in the street. Did the driver flee? Is this car, in fact, Christine?

CARNIVÀLE

Now that Aaron's recap is up at TWOP (you can also catch a rerun tonight, if I'm not mistaken), this is as good a time as any to mention that I have no idea what the hell happened last week on the show. I mean, I understand what, I just don't understand why. And the preview for tomorrow night's ep bodes even freakier.

META WHOOO? CORTEX WHAAAT?

I just got the strangest email:

Dear BetaTest applicant,

On the evening of October 31st, a large electrical storm passed through a portion of the Pacific Northwest. Power surges and outages were reported in the Redland area in particular. Our own backup systems survived the disturbance.

It has come to our attention that our MetaBroadcast server (which has remote connections to outside providers) momentarily went down, resulting in automated phone calls going out to a portion of our current applicant database. Metacortechs and its affiliates would like to extend sincere apologies for any confusion or inconvenience this might have caused for you.

Our technicians are currently securing all telephony circuits and lines. Your information is valued, and secure, and we do not anticipate any future
occurrences.

Thank you!

MetaCortex Beta Test Team


Given that "MetaCortex" is an official Matrix Revolutions site (you know, one of those promotional game/mystery/puzzle-type things), I can't figure out what they're trying to tell me.

LIAISON IN AN ASIAN NATION

Corknut.org: "Review of Lost in Translation using only the letters in Lost in Translation": A star, a lass, a liaison in an Asian nation. "Lost" isn't a loss at all; it is art, I insist.