THE SQUISHY SPEAKS

For all those interested, Vladimir has set himself up a new LiveJournal for his reportage from the Venice film festival.

ROBOCAT!

THIS SHIT IS NOT OF THE LORD. Scroll down to the video link for more terror.

STRING CHEESE NOW!

I found this beauty after following a link on Defamer.com. The article's so old that it's on Salon's ancient pre-ad blitz layout... and is so incredibly worth it:

Then there was the infamous 12-page, single-spaced memo passed around a few years ago that Barry Diller's regular assistant wrote to a temporary assistant in preparation for a trip Diller was taking to New York. Among the instructions: All hotel brochures and stationery must be tucked away in drawers; two bathrobes (in case there's a guest) must be in the room at all times; a cigarette package must be on the night stand, opened and with two cigarettes conveniently propped out. "By now," the memo announced about halfway through, "you are probably in tears."

Absolute best part: the second-to-last paragraph, which involves a homemade tape, a disgruntled employee, and the declaration, "My dick's as big as a house!"

TATERS: THE REMIX

It's so dumb, and yet I can't look away. (Thanks [?] to Vladimir for the link.)

MORE FROM THE HELL STORE

Oh, look, a new branch of the Hell Store!

SHENANIGANS!

OSLO, Norway - Edvard Munch's famous paintings "The Scream," "Madonna" and others were stolen from an art museum Sunday while stunned museum-goers watched armed men threatening the staff at gunpoint as they took the art work to a waiting car.

Whaaaaat?

"What's strange is that in this museum, there weren't any means of protection for the paintings, no alarm bell," Castang told France Inter radio.

"The paintings were simply attached by wire to the walls," he said. "All you had to do is pull on the painting hard for the cord to break loose — which is what I saw one of the thieves doing."

You know, considering how famous this painting is, that's a little negligent, don't you think...?

In February 1994, "The Scream" was stolen from the museum and remained missing for nearly three months. Police ultimately recovered the work, which is on fragile paper, undamaged in a hotel in Asgardstrand, about 40 miles south of the capital, Oslo. Three Norwegians were arrested.

So what you're telling me is that 1) this has happened before and 2) all of you are idiots, is that it?

THE MOUTH OF WHO?

It strikes me as a little odd that Sideshow Toys has this huge limited edition bust of... a character who got cut from the theatrical version of Return of the King, but then, I've always found it odd that people would want to buy busts of ugly, ugly sumbitches anyway.

FROM THE DESK OF NEIL GAIMAN

"I saw Dave McKean this evening (tomorrow he nips off to New York for a few days to work on the Broadway 'Vampire Lestat' musical, which he's doing production design stuff for. 'Say hello to Elton John for me,' I said sunnily. 'Or should that be Elt?' 'Reg, actually,' said Dave, and he drove off into the night)."

Seriously? I actually like (the first half of) that book, and... this whole thing terrifies me.

I REALLY CAN'T SAY IT ANY BETTER

Defamer: "Hummer Cologne: When you absolutely, positively must reek of a small penis."

OMGWTFJP4!

So here's what I wanted to post last night:

Also, I wanted to post something about how Ain't It Cool News has a thing up about the new Jurassic Park 4 script being cracked out. John Sayles wrote it and it is craaaaacked ouuuuut. Like, so cracked out that I would actually go and see it. Cracked. Out.

(Of course, the way there's this huge build-up in the article about its crackitude, I was fully expecting a lot more weirdness than was actually delivered. Seriously, don't ever leave me to imagine the worst in any situation, because I'm really, really good at it. I had this vision of, like, Jurassic Park as the bastard hatespawn of David Lynch and Philip K. Dick. Maybe some George Lucas thrown in for extra crack. We go back to Jurassic Park! But it's on another planet! Where Laura Dern plays a blonde and a brunette! And the dinosaurs take over and pit midgets against men in giant arenas! One of them is the Jarjarbinksasaur! We must stop them from reaching Earth! BUT WE WERE ON EARTH ALL ALONG! Silencio.)

But I can't post, because Blogspot hates me. Thanks.

"TEENS SET GUINNESS RECORD FOR WATCHING TV"

Isn't this a little like setting a record for breathing?

According to rules set by Guinness, Dean and Dudek were required to remain awake with their eyes always on the television screen. They were given a five-minute break every hour and restroom trips were permitted only during 15-minute breaks every eight hours.

The pair also had to complete their task in a public place and keep a log book and video documentary of their activities. They dined exclusively off the IHOP menu — taking occasional shots of maple syrup — because outside food was not allowed.

Dude? That is totally doable. Hook me up with some chocolate chip pancakes and I'm yours. I'd probably be psychotic from lack of sleep, and the pancakes would probably start talking to me, yeah, but totally doable.

"THE FILM OF THE DECADE"

IMDB: "Spielberg and Cruise Set To Film Biggest Budget Film Ever"

'Steven Spielberg's upcoming movie War Of The Worlds is poised to make history in Hollywood as the most expensive film ever made - surpassing Titanic's $198 million budget. The Oscar-winning director and actor Tom Cruise, who first teamed up in Minority Report, will pocket a fifth of the box office profit from the film based on HG Wells' classic story about Martian invaders. A source says, "No expense will be spared. Spielberg wants to make it the film of the decade." Orson Welles' 1938 radio adaptation caused panic in America when the tale convinced listeners Earth was being invaded.'

I know that there were a lot of Titanic doubters while the movie was being made, but... this really, really sets off warning bells with me. I don't know why. Maybe it's the up-front intention of making "the biggest movie ever." Because, guys? You can't plan that. M. Night Shyamalan, if I remember correctly, claimed that Unbreakable would be the biggest movie of all time, and we all saw what happened with that.

Also, War of the Worlds? Not the most interesting property ever. I mean, it's great as a radio stunt, but the key to its success was people not knowing what was going on. The original film is... well, it's okay. The ending, while clever, is anticlimactic. But I've never heard people talk about loving that movie, or loving the book, or just really desperately wanting a new movie of it to be made, you know?

And really, most of the really big movies are about or based on beloved stories--people were obsessed with the Titanic even before the movie, and then you've got the Romeo and Juliet aspect thrown in. Others are sequels, which means that they're continuations of beloved (film) stories. Many of the others are based on extremely popular books (LOTR, Spider-Man [in a sense], Harry Potter, Jurassic Park, Forrest Gump, etc.). The two blockbusters I just can't reason away in that fashion are Star Wars and E.T. (although E.T. has some high family-friendly value going for it). Science fiction does extremely well at the box office, I give you that. But a remake of War of the Worlds? Didn't we already have that movie, and wasn't it called Independence Day (#19)?

SURVIVOR: VANUATU

Yahoo: "The ninth season of sneaky alliances, restrictive rations, harsh elements and Jeff Probst will premiere with a special two-hour episode Sept. 16 on CBS." I like how the host is listed as one of the trials to be endured, myself.

GOOD PLASTIC SURGERY

Wow... this is fascinating. I mean, we've all seen awful plastic surgery, which might as well have sirens and flashing lights going off. But I'm so naive--you always hear about how "everyone" had had stuff done, but I can't ever bring myself to believe it. ("Not her--she isn't that vain! It can't be!") Well, count my innocence shattered, because here's the proof. (Katie Holmes?)

BUYUS COLLECTIBILIS!

Uh oh--it looks like the Noble Collection, purveyors of the $95 Evenstar and the $300 Galadriel crown, have decided to get into the Harry Potter business. Dig that Time-Turner, though.

DEATHS

Yahoo: "Julia Child, whose warbling, encouraging voice and able hands brought the intricacies of French cuisine to American home cooks through her television series and books, died in her sleep three days before what would have been her 92nd birthday."

ITEMS FROM THE HELL STORE

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

(Thanks--?--to Valerie for the link.)

DEATHS

Yahoo: "Fay Wray, who won everlasting fame as the damsel held atop the Empire State Building by the giant ape in the 1933 film classic King Kong, has died, a close friend said Monday. She was 96."

(She was still alive? No! She can't die now! This is terrible!)

THE HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY

Trailer!

THE ACCIDENTAL VIDEO GAME PORN ARCHIVE

Here's the one that made me laugh out loud: a shot from Jedi Knight 2.

ETA: PIKACHU NO.

BRAAAAAAINS

Because it's never too early to pick out that perfect Christmukkahzaa present for that special zombie in your life.

"PEWTER MARMOTSEAL?"

How to make your own fluffybunny Wicca-wannabe name in two easy steps.

IRELANTIS

Say what?

SAN FRANCISCO MAN: "I WASN'T BEHEADED"

And I'm thinking he would know.

"BEN AFFLECK EATS BABY FOR KERRY"

Hell, at this point, I think I would too. Pass the kitten sauce.

BROWN BUNNY UPDATE

*cries*

(Defamer: "Yes, indeed, there's a great deal of 'subtext and complexity' at play here: You see, Chloe Sevigny is not actually Gallo's girlfriend, and yet he somehow talked her into fellating him with a camera rolling. And since not many people will wind up seeing The Brown Bunny, the billboard was the most efficient way for him to high-five the part of the world that's not into the 'sophisticated' part of the blowjob.")

DEATHS

Rick James, "apparently of natural causes." I hope MC Hammer is lighting a candle for him somewhere.

(Man, I really have this urge to go watch Chappelle's Show reruns now.)

OH SHERRY

I haven't been reading Entertainment Weekly for a while--I think my subscription's run out, and I didn't notice until about a week ago--but this site, "Reviewing Entertainment Weekly," has discovered that EW writer Dalton Ross has pissed Ken Wahl's management off. Badly:

"DALTON ROSS, in the midst of pounding several drinks in a very short interview seemed hell-bent on making Ken Wahl look bad and showed he obviously had an axe to grind with Ken Wahl. His article was basically taken from 10-12 year old, mostly false internet gossip. He literally repeated this crap word for word. DALTON ROSS in my opinion is no better than your everyday sleazy tabloid reporter. He falsely accused Ken of having 'layers of extra weight', which is an outright lie. I would imagine that DALTON, in his scrawny little frame, felt inferior to Ken's Manly physique."

RUNNING OUT OF TIME

The Publishers Lunch newsletter tipped me off to this one--it's a ten-year-old children's book that's curiously close to the premise of The Village, minus the monsters (don't read the editorial reviews unless you want to be spoiled for both book and, indirectly, movie).

THE BROWN BUNNY

IMDB: "Community leaders in Los Angeles are fuming after a giant poster was erected [so to speak] in Hollywood showing Chloe Sevigny performing oral sex on Brown Bunny co-star Vincent Gallo. The 60 foot poster has appeared on Sunset Boulevard next to the exclusive Chateau Marmont Hotel - to advertise the controversial film which stunned viewers at this year's Cannes Film Festival and will hit limited cinemas in America this month."

I want to see this poster. Because I just can't visualize what they're talking about here--what in the world could this poster actually show that it's not been declared a public obscenity and torn down?

GAHHHHH

You know what's a really bad idea? Putting two video-clip movie ads on a single page.

THE CRIMSON PETAL AND THE WHITE

*throws the book across the room*

THE FOUNTAIN

I like Rachel Weisz a lot, but--No! Cate Blanchett! No! Urgh!

(I should shut up and just be glad this movie's finally getting made, honestly.)

HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE

OMG OMG OMG.

(Thanks to stavia.)

"BUT DO ONE GOAT..."

Vladimir has sent me a link to David Wenham and Billy Boyd telling dirty jokes over at AICN.