Short Attention Span Theater

Short Attention Span Theater
Movies, mayhem and more: A blog from Cleolinda Jones, writer, grad student, space cadet, editor of (That's Miss Cleo if you're SAST-Y.)

Tuesday, September 30, 2003  


"The Films of David Lynch":

Some Woman: I do enjoy my nice, idyllic lifestyle, but I hope that underneath my seemingly perfect suburban world there is corruption and evil.

(SOME WOMAN discovers her OWN CORPSE and is ARRESTED.)

Midget: Someday that gum you like is going to come back in style.

Yup, that's about the way of it.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 2:58 PM


Okay, I got this off Fark, but it's still funny: MapQuest-style map to Mordor ("Turn RIGHT onto GREENWAY toward DUNLAND").

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 2:32 PM


Well, it looks like the Month of Deaths is going to continue. The Vatican has asked the faithful to pray for the Pope, who is in "very bad health."

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 2:20 PM


All right, this is the Catwoman I was talking about last night.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 1:58 PM


Death is a tall faceless man made of baby blue Nerf foam in a black robe. So, you know, keep a lookout for that.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 12:21 PM


Uploading the ROTK caps to the Yahoo Group Files section gave me a brilliant idea--it's time to do some housecleaning. So, when I have a spare moment in the next couple of days, I'm going to redo the preview pages and links to reflect the fact that older screen caps (Underworld, Pirates of the Caribbean, the ROTK bootleg teaser) have (already) been taken off the site and uploaded to the Group. Which means, feel free to join the group and download them. You'll have to join to access them (new Yahoo policy), but you can slip in and out (and even un-join afterwards, if you want) and no one will notice. Of course, I highly recommend that you stay once you've joined, because it's just a newsletter list and you'll be able to find out when I upload more screen caps to the Group/site/blog.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 11:56 AM

Monday, September 29, 2003  


The official site's got new posters up. I have to say, between the Matrix and LOTR over at subsidiary New Line, Warner Bros. knows how to market a movie.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 10:54 PM


So Superhero Hype has the first picture of Halle Berry in the catsuit and... I gotta say, it doesn't work for me. Mostly because it's not a catsuit, but rather a skimpy leather outfit. Come on, y'all--think Michelle Pfeiffer in Batman Returns, or even the Kate Beckinsale getup in Underworld. This crap doesn't fly with me.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 10:53 PM


Yeah, so... I hate to say it, but I'm not real impressed with TORN's handiwork on the annual Screencapping of the Trailer section (which is usually quite good). I mean, my theory is, geek hard or go home. Thus, we have the Daily Digest 180-cap zip download. I'm just sayin'.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 9:41 PM


Theresa has the balls to use the Ethan Gambit on Dangerously Pregnant Gwen; Dangerously Pregnant Gwen puts Theresa in a Dangerously Pregnant Headlock; Theresa TKO's Dangerously Pregnant Gwen; "Passions" sets a new gold standard for trashy television. And it was good.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 12:51 PM


Remember when I said that my entire Hotmail inbox vanished unexpectedly? Yeah. Well, I finally remembered that a very nice reader had emailed me about some very nice POTC wallpaper, and now I don't have the email address or URL anymore, and I would really like to get back in touch with her (I think it was a her). If you're reading this, could you write me back?

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 12:35 PM


Look, I'm up to my ears in papers to write, and it's easy to procrastinate and obsess over this. Stop looking at me like that. Anyway, New Line has updated the front page of the official LOTR site, BUT NOT THE TRAILER PAGE ITSELF. GAHHHH--wait! wait! No! Here it is! All right! Ladies and gentlemen, start your downloads!

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 12:14 PM


UPDATE: Just got an email from War of the Ring: "OK folks the good news is that the trailers will appear on the official site at 12 PST thats in about 2 hours. This has just been confirmed by New Line Cinema."

All right, version three of the trailer download: Not from, but very high-quality. The only difference, I would say, is that will likely come out with a full-screen version (or at least one about twice the size of this one). But the current download is clear as a bell. As for the TORN mirrors, I finally got my copy off the Swedish mirror, so try that, BitTorrent be damned.

TORN also has a frame-by-frame up, but I can't get the pictures to load at the moment. I'm sure that it'll work as soon as their servers stop getting hammered, so I'm not going to do my own cap-fest. I did, however, pull a handful just for this entry. We're really at a point where spoilage is becoming more important, and people's spoiler levels are starting to vary, so hit COMMENT to see them. (Warning: The last shot in the list is probably the clearest picture of Shelob you will ever want to see.)

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 9:09 AM

Sunday, September 28, 2003  


I came to this page looking for a little vocabulary help with Black Ribbon about an hour ago, and I'm still reading:

"pips n. The little seeds in the middle of fruit guaranteed to get stuck in your teeth. Americans call them 'pits'. Difficult to imagine how or when the two words split. Isn't language an interesting thing, unless you've been banging away for umpteen thankless years writing a dictionary about it. Bastards, the lot of you."

Should the occasion come up, tell 'em I sent you.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 8:55 PM


MSNBC: "Director Elia Kazan, the hard-driving immigrant’s son whose triumphs included the original Broadway productions of Death of a Salesman” and A Streetcar Named Desire, and the Academy Award-winning film On the Waterfront, died Sunday. He was 94."

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 5:14 PM


Gahhhhh, the muse is stalling. I have five days, a paper to write, and two folders of poems to critique. I wrote five pages today, but it was on a scene that won't even happen in "The Bitter Kiss," but in the second or third "book" (as in, maybe late next year if we're lucky). I do not have time for writer's block, and I don't care if John Dufresne says there is no such thing. I know exactly what I want to happen and yet I can't make myself say it. GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

On the upside, I did get a very positive email from one of my fellow workshoppers who had just finished the (incomplete) draft I turned in. So it looks like I won't be completely crucified on Tuesday, and that, at least, is something.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 4:17 PM


An article on David Wenham's latest project, in which he very much does not look like Faramir from LOTR. I'm talking beer bottles and baby pools here, people. (Thanks, TORN.)

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 4:05 PM


Today's Parade, first question in the "Personality Parade":

Q: After all that has been said about Madonna French-kissing Britney Spears onstage at the recent MTV Video Music Awards, I'd like to hear Walter Scott's [the guy who writes the column] opinion of that yucky exchange. -- [Some guy in New Jersey]

A: What a germ-fest! Maybe the Material Girl should be called the Bacterial Girl from now on.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 3:55 PM


Just wanted to add that TORN has FINALLY done what I have been shouting at my computer for them to do--redigitize the clip into a smaller QT file. (After hours of downloading the mpg on Friday, it literally took me seven minutes to download this one this morning--and it doesn't have that nasty skip thirty seconds in from TORN's server booting me off. Yeah, I could wait until the Monday download, but I do it all for you guys, all right?)

Supposedly AOL users will be able to download the real thing tonight at midnight; AngelDust will have to check that out for us.

To see three seconds later into this scene--not that you'll be able to make out much--hit "Comments" below (spoilerish).

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 11:54 AM


Yahoo: "Entertainer Donald O'Connor (news), who combined comedy and acrobatics in the show-stopping 'Make 'Em Laugh' number in the classic movie 'Singin' in the Rain,' died Saturday, his daughter said. He was 78. "

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 10:15 AM

Saturday, September 27, 2003  


Salon: "Rock singer Robert Palmer, known for his sharp suits and hits including "Addicted to Love," died Friday in Paris of a heart attack, his manager said. He was 54."

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 7:00 AM

Friday, September 26, 2003  


...only it's got Asian subtitles/captions, is an mpg file, 25 mb, and took me 8 hours to connect to TORN's server, get in queue, and successfully download.

(I still screamed when I saw Shelob.)

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 8:19 PM


Ah, the Eowyn Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual ("Your EOWYN unit may also be reprogrammed to perform almost any other desired task, simply by explaining in detail that the desired result is either not possible or not appropriate for a Lady of Rohan"), written by a male friend of the esteemed authoress who brought you owner's guides to the male LOTR characters. (Warning: I will not be responsible for any non-slash-initiated readers who are stricken blind by any of the latter writer's work.)

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 6:11 PM


So I'm watching the end of "Miss Match" (which was surprisingly cute and well-done) and waiting for "Dateline NBC" and there's a clip for "Will & Grace" and I am treated to the sight of Mira Sorvino shrieking desperately at Will, "You spun me round, baby, right round, right round like a record, baby!" This is what hanging out with Crazy Mariah Carey will do to you, people.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 6:03 PM


Date: Fri Sep 26, 2003 1:52 pm
Subject: September 26, 2003: Letters #10 and #11 are online

Miss Jones would like to apologize for neglecting to inform you when Letter #10 went online last week; access to the information highway is rather hard to come by up here in this snowy wasteland where no one, least of all her publisher, will ever, ever find her.

Letter #11 is also online, but it is, in fact, not a letter to Miss Jones but to the readers of the Primrose Weekly Reader in its latest issue. Miss Jones is particularly dismayed that Mr. Bennet is so enthusiastic over "Jenny Sunshine." If you will excuse her now, she has an extremely difficult letter to write to that esteemed publisher, and the mail sled leaves at three.

Miss Cleolinda Jones

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 11:53 AM


Hey, it's Amber Tamblyn! Wow, she looks a lot better than the last time I saw her--decomposed in her own closet at the beginning of The Ring.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 10:37 AM


For those of you wondering what happened to the Elijah Wood/Franka Potente/Mandy Moore rom-com... I saw it in the "New Releases" DVD section at Wal-Mart half an hour ago under the title All I Want (Is a Theatrical Release, But I Don't Think I'm Gonna Get It).

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 10:14 AM


Email from MSNBC Breaking News: "George Plimpton, the self-deprecating author of 'Paper Lion,' dies at the age of

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 10:12 AM


Yahoo's got a trailer and many, many stills.

Oh, and can I just ask? That's a big stinkin' horse Dennis Quaid's got there. Did he borrow Shadowfax for the weekend or something?

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 6:49 AM

Thursday, September 25, 2003  


Special thanks to Correspondent Vladimir on IM ("Uh, what time is it over there? 6 PM? Isn't that what time the E! footage is going to be on?" "Holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit!")

So, the footage (finally): read about it here, because my description is way too fangirl to put on this blog.

UPDATE: Get the download at TORN or 29 screen caps here. (Fastest screen cap in the South, baby.)

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 4:52 PM


Salon: Check it out.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 4:24 PM


TV spots are at the link above, and two new galleries are here.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 12:23 PM


Yahoo has some gorgeous new photos up.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 12:18 PM


Orlando Bloom Multimedia has scored some caps from the ROTK trailer commercial (!), so click the link for that. Also, TORN has several assorted pictures--"Mippin" on the battlefield, an awesome Dernhelm image (and if you don't know who Dernhelm is, don't look), and a couple other fine things.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 12:06 PM

Wednesday, September 24, 2003  


Editor Malcolm Cowley to Jack Kerouac: “Please write another book like On the Road with adventures about people. Stop talking about yourself.”

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 2:30 PM


Another character banner. I have to say, the artwork is very pretty.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 9:01 AM


The Onion: You know what the best part of the article is?

"Because of the long-standing mutual enmity between Meany and Brown, Meany was named among the suspects. Meany denied the allegations. 'It's true that Detective Brown and I didn't see eye to eye, but I would never do something so downright dirty rotten as murder him,' Meany said. 'Besides, it's a matter of public record that, at the time the crime was committed, I was at the North Pole watching the penguins.'"

There are no penguins at the North Pole--only the South.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 7:01 AM

Tuesday, September 23, 2003  


Awwww right! Who wants to help me revise for next Friday? Don't all jump up at once, now...

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 3:00 PM


Well, now we have Tiny Tommy Tooth.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 1:54 PM

WHEN MAKING TEA is advisable to set one member of the household in charge of turning off the burner as the tea bags steep, thereby avoiding entirely the question, "What's that burning smell?" and its companion inquiry, "What was that shattering sound?"

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 12:53 PM


Beth's crazy mother prays for her wayward daughter: "ANGELS! IN! HEAVEN! Do ya SEE the nutcase here?"

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 11:24 AM


Look! It's a character banner! That does not have Tiny Tommy Tooth on it!

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 8:30 AM


Iiiiiiiiiit's... Shelob!

ETA: Not 15 minutes after I post this entry, I take the Dogs of Digest outside. I walk into something that gets on my face/in my mouth, there's some spluttering and wiping, and.... "OH MY GOD, there is a SPIDER in my hair, a spider IN my hair, a spider in my HAIR, SPIDER SPIDER SPIDER SPIDER SPIDER AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 5:29 AM

Monday, September 22, 2003  


...because they have a little Lego David Blaine in his little Lego box. (Thanks,

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 8:49 PM


All right. Kill Bill? You got me. I'm in.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 8:02 PM


Tons of goodies over at Jo Blo.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 2:40 PM


Trust me, having to look at John Travolta is punishment enough.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 12:11 PM


"Puff Dog"?

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 11:17 AM


Ah, conceptual art of Russell Crowe, The Beast. Looks like him in the face, too. I know he was slated to play the role in the first place, but I'm still sad that the interim casting of Ewan McGregor didn't stick.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 11:15 AM


I should probably explain what that's about, right? Well, here's the thing: The actual Black Ribbon serial is scheduled to start up on October 3. I have a 20 page story due in my fiction workshop tomorrow night. Clearly, the only way I'm going to get both of them done is to kill two birds with one stone and workshop the first installment. On the other hand, this is a terrifying prospect--this summer I sat through an hour-long workshop wherein my classmates AND professor mocked my protagonist the whole time. Granted, they were funny as hell, and they actually LIKED the story, but... yeah. The crowds are tough here at UAB.

However, I am sick of not updating the Newstracker, you know, like, EVER, so I have a lot to juggle today. Blogging is easy as pie, so SAST will very likely continue to update. However, should I disappear for a few hours, it means the muse is upon me. So say a prayer for me to the deity of your choice and cross your fingers.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 9:00 AM


All right, so you lose Cate Blanchett to pregnancy, so you replace her in Closer with... Julia Roberts? No ma'am. You are all grounded.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 8:46 AM


I didn't watch the show ("Emmys? Whaaaat?") in my deadline-induced hysteria, so this was pretty amusing to me. Best line, graded at four stars, Jon Stewart: "Seriously, are you guys thinking of Schwarzenegger? Seriously? That's pathetic. You guys know if he stinks, you can't go to the future and send somebody back to stop him. You know that, right?"

People, this is why the Daily Show won the Emmy. I'm sayin'.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 8:44 AM


Yay trailer! It's streaming crap, of course, but after reading the script, I'm excited. Oh, and don't forget Lacuna Inc., the URL given at the end of the trailer. Seems that it won't be up and running until the 26th, but you can admire a really cheesy picture of Tom Wilkinson until then.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 8:24 AM


... that I am so incredibly sad that it isn't Talk Like A Pirate Day anymore? That was so awesome. Hell, I went around talking like that all weekend because I'd gotten so used to it. We have to do that more often.

Oh, and sorry about Blackhearted Cleo commandeering your blog, Brassy... I'll have to talk to her about that.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 8:15 AM


Ah, "Gwyneth's Waves of Passion." Dude, I just ate, okay?

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 8:08 AM


Normally I wouldn't much care, but Boyfriend #2 of AngelDust was asking me the other day what was going on with the RE sequel. Well, here's your answer, babe:

"The official site for the zombie film sequel has opened up a little with a new synopsis, a gallery of four photos, and a trailer." (Dark Horizons)

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 8:07 AM


Forgot to post this yesterday, because I was too busy mopping up my own drool.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 8:05 AM


Ooo, Naomi Watts would be awesome in the neo-Fay Wray role.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 8:04 AM

Saturday, September 20, 2003  


A review over at Amazon (yes, the keyboard really is priced at $1,000,000.00 at the moment):

"Best.Anything.Ever, September 19, 2003
"Reviewer: An electronics fan from San Diego, CA United States
"I purchased this keyboard on a whim and man was it the best million I've ever spent. THIS KEYBOARD CURES CANCER. It has a button on it that summons Jesus to come and talk to you. WARNING: Don't play BF1942 with Jesus; has the walk-on-water hack. He can also fly and see through walls. This Keyboard changes the oil in your car and makes a killer rump roast. It can also potty train your dog and your kids while serving up SoftServe ice cream (vanilla only as of this writing)."

(Thanks, Dave Barry's Blog.)

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 6:15 PM


All right, now that Talk Like A Pirate Day (which was so much fun, I will definitely being doing it next year, if every month) is over, I wanted to reiterate this entry from yesterday; I've got some new info on it as well. For those of ye that not be speakin' the privateer lingo, Laurie, a jewelry designer, left me a comment on the Cate Blanchett News blog yesterday to the effect that she was looking for a shot of Cate wearing her necklace. She writes back with more particulars:

It's the same design as this one, but in the pixelated turquoise-gold tones like this one. It was shot at an awards or premiere ceremony of some kind, she's wearing a periwinkle-blue/violet top, and she's addressing her choice to turn down an upcoming movie deal, b/c she is pregnant, I don't think it was the Toronto Film Fest, I've checked the net for these images, and this isn't it. The Access Hollywood segment [that featured Cate wearing the necklace] was shown on Sept. 16, Tues., on NBC.

With the magic of PhotoImpression, I've taken the correct design and altered it to something like the correct hue. The image on the left is from the wrong design/right color, because I can't match the gold beads with the "altered" version.

Now, because I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer, I just now realized which segment this is: the one someone saw and wrote about to, which then posted the news that Cate was leaving Closer (I didn't see it myself). Now, what we need is either 1) a screen capture from the segment or 2) a regular picture of Cate taken at that same ceremony/premiere. My money's on it being a premiere of some sort; they often happen on Tuesdays, and that would explain why AH was there. So if anyone has a lead on this, let me know--I always like a good challenge.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 4:00 PM

Friday, September 19, 2003  


Aye, never be underestimatin' the effect of a bit o' gentle persuasion ("Blackhearted Cleo demand a Talk Like a Pirate Day update, else the crew of the Good Ship Digest be boardin' yer blog! ARRRR!") on yer fellow sea dogs.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 6:20 PM


Blast and tarnation upon ye! A pox on the next trailer to use that bloody "The Boys Are Back in Town" drivel! Aye, and settin' up the clip as if to hornswoggle the Cap'n into thinkin' it's for that hull-rotten Hulk albatross does ye no favors! Out of me sight, ye scurvy knaves!

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 6:17 PM


Aye, she's a nasty mad wench. Batten yer hatches sure n' fast, me hearties.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 1:51 PM


... that the LOTR edition of Inside the Actors Studio be scuppered. 'Tis not a pity, however, that we be denied the pleasaunce of seein' that bloated whale-bilge of a bunglicker fawnin' over a right good crew.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 1:44 PM


Right, lads an' lasses: In th' history of answerin' these here so-called "Stupid Questions," ye've ne'er failed me yet. I've a message posted by a fair Mistress Laurie, in regards of a bit o' shine she made herself, and she be hankerin' for a picture of the bonny trinket on 'er client:

I design jewelry and Cate [Blanchett] is one of my clients. She wore my necklace on Access Hollywood and I'm trying to access the image on the net for my portfolio. Have you seen that image anywhere?

Therefore look ye well, mates: Any of ye salty dogs as can find me a picture of Mistress Blanchett wearin' plunder as what looks like a Leonine Design'll have this [HAMMER HAMMER HAMMER] piece of eight nailed here to the mast for a prize. Leave ye a comment down below or flag the Cap'n down at cleolinda[at] (spam-peddlers and virus-mongers be cursed!).

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 12:38 PM


Avast! Thanks be to Luiz, who 'as ventured to proffer an answer to me question, "What in blazes be that song as what plays over the Texas Chainsaw Massacre trailer and website?" Say Master Luiz, "That's This Mortal Coil covering Tim Buckley's 'Song to the Siren' that plays on the Texas Chainsaw Massacre website. Their version is from the mid-80s, I think." A thousand thanks and a barrel o' rum to ye, mate. If Kazaa not be scuppered yet, we'll go seek the tune and send back some intelligence.

ETA: Arrrrr, it be a Mistress Luiz! Beggin' yer pardon, mem.

ETA2: Aye, it be This Mortal Coil in truth, although the Cap'n spied a Chemical Brothers version as well. Cannot say for sure, though, as the scurvy tune would not download (fie on the varlet!).

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 12:10 PM


Yar, here be a game worthy of me hearties!

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 12:03 PM


Arrr, the filthy landlubbers be tryin' to scuttle Kazaa, the Cap'n's sure of it!

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 11:39 AM


Yar, our frillier swa'bucklin' brethren still be filmin' "background scenes"--and the bonniest news of all? Corsairs!

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 11:29 AM


Spoiler pictures: Well, blast me, if'n it's not a fair likeness. So what poor bastard be trapped under all that makeup?

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 8:05 AM


Arrr, the day itself be arrived and CNN be playin' clips o' Pirates o' the Caribbean on their fair site. 'Tis a pity, however, that the infamous curs be restrictin' said clips to Real Player Gold Pass users, as the Cap'n 'ave no compunction in sendin' the black spot to the scurvy woodworms and plunderin' their hold. ARRRR!

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 7:45 AM

Thursday, September 18, 2003  


Cor. Took me well nigh on four hours, but the Cap'n prevailed: Greetin’s, Salutations, and “Yar.” Captain Cleolinda, Black-Hearted Princess of the High Seas, Terror of the Spanish Main, and Wanton Adventuress of the World Wide Web, be bringin’ you an entire news update bespoke in pirate lingo, in honor of Talk Like a Pirate Day this very morn.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 9:13 PM


Ye may be noticin' that yer Cap'n was missin' from the blog today. Well, my fine lads an' lasses, it takes a good chunk o' sunlight to be writin' an entire news update in pirate. Ye can be expectin' the full report tomorrow morn.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 5:11 PM

Wednesday, September 17, 2003  


It's been flying sort of under the radar, compared to bigger-budget, more action-oriented movies, but I have a feeling this one--an ensemble British romantic comedy with a sterling cast--is going to slip up on us and be a huge hit. T'any rate: IGN has pictures.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 8:07 PM


"All right! Everyone just screw and shut the hell up!"

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 3:57 PM


USAToday: A Scott Speedman interview. (Mmm, Scott Speedman...)

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 12:36 PM


All right, I can't vouch for the authenticity of these "high school essay" excerpts--I'm suspicious if only because the comedy is so masterful. So here you are anyway (thanks, Vicki M):

Subject: essay excerpts

Actual Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. "Oh, Jason, take me!"; she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
23. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
24. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
25. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
26. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
27. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
28. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
29. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
30. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 12:21 PM


I still say that the crown should be taller on the sides than the front and back, to at least put it somewhat in line with previous depictions (I can't remember if it's actually described that way in the book). Nonetheless, this is the first really good closeup look at it (because The One Barbie doesn't count), and it's a nice piece of work (Jasmine Watson again?).

Oh, and there's a nice interview with Miranda Otto at the official site. I don't think there are spoilers per se, but you might want to be careful if you haven't read the books.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 12:09 PM


IMDB: If he parties like crazy at the drop of a hat, can you imagine how he's celebrating this? Various news outlets are reporting that hard-partying Irish actor Colin Farrell and model Kim Bordenave are the parents of a baby boy, born Friday in Los Angeles. The wee bairn, weighing in at 7 lbs and 9 ounces, is reported to be doing well, as is his mother, both of whom are ensconced at an undisclosed L.A. hospital. Not at the hospital is Mr. Farrell himself, who had to miss the birth of his first child due to filming commitments for Oliver Stone's Alexander, currently shooting in Morocco. According to Farrell's publicist, Susan Patricola, the three will be together "very soon," at which time a name will be decided upon for the little tyke.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 12:04 PM

Tuesday, September 16, 2003  


The official site's up, and--hey, that little boy from The Ring is in this (and has way scary teeth)! Oh, and a cookie to whoever can tell me what song is playing over the site--it's the same one at the beginning of the trailer, and I still can't find the name of it.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 8:25 PM


The good news is that Cate Blanchett is pregnant. The bad news is that she'll be dropping out of Closer, which also stars Jude Law, Natalie Portman, and Clive Owen. Sometimes, the massive amount of pretty is not meant to be, folks.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 8:14 PM


And the pictures start to turn up. Nice Luke mullet there, man. Oh, and Bai Ling looks like she's come to the set straight from a three-day bender. (I'm not saying she actually did; I'm just saying--man, that makeup is not flattering.)

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 3:52 PM


A recent discussion of the Time magazine "Quest for Cool" issue has got me thinking--What is cool? Not "what" as in "a list of things," but--what is the essence of coolness? How does one become cool? I think I have an answer (no, really, I do), but before I write up a column on it, I'd like to hear from you guys. Who do you think is the epitome of cool? What will always be cool, year in and year out, no matter what else happens? Or is "cool" not even something you can quantify? Let's see what you think.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 3:43 PM


A new interview up at the official site--this is the independent fantasy film we're covering, remember? Thought you might.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 1:35 PM


Yahoo Gossip: "Avril Lavigne was dining with a friend at a California Pizza Kitchen in Singapore when she suddenly marched over to a table of eight guys in their late teens who were out on the town. 'You guys haven't stopped staring at me. I want to eat in peace without being looked at just because I'm Avril Lavigne!' the Grammy winner blasted. The guys all burst out laughing and told her they didn't know who she was. Red-faced, Avril went back to her table."

The original source is the Star, so I can't vouch for the authenticity here, but I've also read how Avril is pissed that teenage girls copy her tank top/tie look. It's called fashion, honey. Copiers copying other copiers. Been going on for at least a thousand years (does the word "pompadour" mean anything to you?). Look into it.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 12:20 PM


A new sleeping position study--see, I find this really interesting, because I slept curled up on my side until I was in my teens, at which point I read about what sleeping positions say about your personality. I was basically paralyzed by my own shyness, so I thought, what if you could change your personality by changing your position? Obviously it wasn't going to do the trick entirely, but it couldn't hurt to try. So I made myself sleep on my back. And, curiously, it really did feel uncomfortable at first. Now it's to the point where I can sleep in several positions, but 90% of the time I sleep on my back--I have actually trained myself to feel like that is the most restful, relaxing position. Coincidentally, my personality did change drastically--after I hit college and sought treatment for depression. Did changing my sleeping position have something to do with that? I don't know, but it's a little like a motto I adopted later--if you want to be something, then go ahead and act like you are.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 12:09 PM


...from Gothika and Peter Pan.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 10:46 AM


Where did my comment function go?! First Blogger's down all morning, now this!

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 10:30 AM

Monday, September 15, 2003  


Sender: YIO Special Offer

Subject: Get 10 Dozen Krispy Kreme Doughnuts Free!

This is the first piece of spam I have actually considered opening.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 6:03 PM


Pamie hates Party Monster. ("To hear this blog in Party Monster mode, please repeat, barking tiny 'Ha' sounds every four words. Please keep left hand elevated in the air, limp at the wrist. Helps if you're not wearing pants.") Run while you still can!

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 2:22 PM


Poster #1 gets a name wrong. Posters #2-100 proceed to run with it. Comedy gold occurs. (Thanks to eclectica: a weblog.)

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 2:11 PM


Well, to borrow a line from Vincent Vega, that better be a pretty fucking good milkshake, if it really did derail her impending nuptials.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 1:59 PM


"Your soul is worth £56384. For your peace of mind, 10% of people have a purer soul than you."


posted by Cleolinda Jones | 7:40 AM


Wow, when a football player tells you to get some brains... you got problems. (Tee hee!)

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 6:09 AM

Sunday, September 14, 2003  


The next installment of the Bennet-Jones correspondence is up a couple of days late--but the installment after that is up three days early, so it all works out, doesn't it? Last week: Take a look at the Primrose Publisher title catalog and see some of the book covers (that's real velvet, by the way). This week: Miss Jones has decided to flee the country, and Vagabond Vacations comes to the rescue.

P.S. Just wanted to add that I'm having a ball writing the letters and the upcoming serial and doing all the graphics and such, and I'll do it whether anyone reads the BR site or not. But the people I've shown it to so far seem to enjoy it. Nonetheless, it's not getting a lot of traffic. So if you visit the site and think that it is awesome, please, do me a favor and tell someone about it. (If you think that it is not awesome, of course, you are free to badmouth it all you like.)

You can also sign up at the Yahoo Group for email notifications and extras; I'm going to be putting some super-hi-res versions of the graphics there so you won't have to squint (of course, it's Yahoo's policy that you have to be a member to view a group's files).

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 8:51 PM


No, he really really does! Check out the list of autographed cards at the link--and keep in mind that "Figwit" isn't even the character's real name; it's actually a fan-created acronym ("Frodo Is Great... Who Is That?"), as our affiliate could tell you. So I'm tickled to death to actually see Figwit/Bret McKenzie turn up on official memorabilia.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 8:20 PM


Once Upon a Time in Mexico somehow manages to come in at #1 for the weekend, and USAToday squarely gives Johnny Depp the credit (Pirates of the Caribbean is still at #5).

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 4:46 PM


All right: Dave Barry has been promoting the hell out of this for about a month now (me hearties). It's finally coming this Friday, and I've decided to take up the challenge--by writing all of my content (blog, newstracker, journal, whatever comes up) in pirate speak. No, really ("Avast ye! The scurvy dogs be keelhaulin' another remake. Yarrr").

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 4:06 PM


I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep tonight.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 3:41 PM


I have no idea if this is true or not, but my mother says she was watching TV (NBC), and they just announced that the Bennifer is no more. I can't find any confirmation of this online yet, though.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 5:38 AM


Ooo, lots of pretty pictures.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 4:46 AM

Saturday, September 13, 2003  


Coming Soon has links to a new TV spot and screen caps. Because, you know, all that hype we spent the first five months of the year buying into didn't end up working against Matrix Revolutions at all.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 8:52 PM


I have my doubts about the movie, but the poster is awesome.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 6:42 AM


Can someone explain to me why I opened my Hotmail this morning and my entire inbox--which contained some 100 emails, including reader mail--was completely empty, but for two new emails?

The weird thing is, this has happened before--only half my inbox disappeared, the older half, not the entire schmoo. We are not happy.

Moral of the story: If you've emailed me recently and are still expecting a response from me... you're gonna have to email me again. I got nothin' over here.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 6:40 AM

Friday, September 12, 2003  


I would kill to get some testers of this line of Demeter cologne, which prides itself on very specific scents (like "rye bread," "birthday cake," "Earl Grey tea," "tomato seed," and... "humidor"?) . Among the more outré scents: "firefly," "dust," "bamboo," "New Zealand," "paperback," and "holy water." And here I just wanted some of the crème brûlée ...

Update: Sorry, this just fascinates me. You can find the official Demeter fragrances site here, and they've got even more scents ("Condensed milk"? "Earthworm"??). And in case you're wondering what "New Zealand" smells like, it apparently smells like Lord of the Rings ("Our new fragrance was designed at the request of the Prime Minister of New Zealand for the New York premier party sponsored by the NZ government for The Lord of the Rings - The Two Towers").

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 8:14 PM


Coming Soon has thirteen (unlucky!) new pictures.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 4:26 PM


Damn, Johnny Depp is pretty.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 2:50 PM


And his mother-in-law Cecilia, the White Lady of Lorien. Not to mention Ned of Gondor. Well, of course.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 12:25 PM


If you should read Roger Ebert's review of Lost in Translation, and get to the end and read this--

We shouldn't be allowed to hear it. It's between them, and by this point in the movie, they've become real enough to deserve their privacy. Maybe he gave her his phone number. Or said he loved her. Or said she was a good person. Or thanked her. Or whispered, "Had we but world enough, and time..." and left her to look up the rest of it

--and want to look it up yourself but aren't sure how to go about it, you can find Andrew Marvell's "To His Coy Mistress" here.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 7:24 AM


All right. Sars has asked all her readers to spread the word, particularly if we run or write for websites, and I owe her for hours of happy reading at Tomato Nation:

Don is a man I met on September 11, 2001. Don and I became "disaster buddies," and ever since, I've wanted to thank him for hanging out with me and helping me keep it together -- but I haven't seen or heard from him since we parted ways late that morning.

Don is an African-American man. I would estimate his age as between 25 and 35 on that day -- probably not younger than that, possibly older but I doubt it.

Don is between 5'9" and 6' tall, and probably weighs 160-175 pounds. (I say "probably" because I suck at estimating men's weights.) In any case, at that time Don had a fit build -- not pudgy, not skinny, well put-together.

Don had short hair and a goatee at that time. I do not recall any jewelry; he may have had an earring, but I don't think so.

Don had on a grey windowpane-plaid suit and was carrying a black soft-sided briefcase. I don't remember his footwear. I don't remember his tie.

Don didn't really resemble anyone famous, except Blair Underwood around the eyes a little bit. He is attractive, but not dauntingly so.

Hit the link to read more specifics about Don--for example, September 11 is his birthday--that you can use in your personal grapevine to track him down.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 6:29 AM


God, that's an inappropriate font USAToday has going there ("Celebrities Die," it chirps).

Johnny Cash, 71: The Man in Black died from diabetes complications early this morning.

John Ritter, 54, collapsed on the set of "8 Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter"; he had an unrecognized dissection of the aorta.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 6:20 AM

Thursday, September 11, 2003  


And here's why. Article: Syndicated columnist Dave Barry's Aug. 31 article on telemarketers may have been in jest, but it's been no laughing matter to the American Teleservices Association, which blames the article for jamming up its toll-free number. Barry's article, titled "Ask not what telemarketers can do to you" in the Miami Herald where it was originally published, included the ATA's toll-free telephone number and invited readers to call and "tell them what you think." Hundreds of newspapers also published the article, which was distributed by Tribune Media Services. The ATA received no warning about the article from Barry or anyone connected with him, Searcy said. The association first learned about the column when it received calls from fact checkers at about 100 newspapers checking whether the phone number was correct prior to printing the article. Though meant as a prank, the Barry column has had harmful consequences for the ATA, Searcy said. An ATA staffer has spent about five hours a day for the past six days monitoring the voice mail and clearing out messages.

Barry's reply: "Gosh, that must have been awful! Imagine! Receiving unwanted phone calls! Without warning! How could anyone DO such a thing?"

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 8:38 PM


I'll be damned. The Digest just turned two years old on September 8, and I didn't even notice. I'm a bad website mommy, I guess.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 7:36 PM


The movie review over at X-Entertainment: My God, Robert Sean Leonard is a baby!

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 7:12 PM


I think to say that this has major spoilers is an understatement--it's the last two pages of the ROTK script. As Brassy says, we can't say for sure whether they're real or not (or if they are, if they're currently in sync with the movie), but I can vouch for the fact that "I'm back" (read it and see) was filmed, and that Galadriel is supposedly the last speaking character (to bookend her prologue narration). If you've seen our ROTK preview (jump to the last page here) you'll know what I mean.

Update: One of the LOTR News Journal posters says that these are confirmed fakes--"April Fool's jokes," which is weird, as there's nothing... you know, funny about them. Nonetheless, they do include two elements that are confirmed. So.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 4:48 PM


All right, this is sort of a two-part bit of news. First part is, I looked and looked and looked for a site with currently-updating Cate Blanchett news, now that our affiliate has gone out of business, and found none. So I decided to do something about it, and as it's blogging, it's very quick and easy and not too much more effort (even when I can't update the Digest, as you've noticed, I can still work on the blog here and there).

The second part of this is, Correspondent Vladimir has two pictures from Jim Jarmusch's Venice entry Coffee and Cigarettes--a Cate Blanchett pic (her segment is opposite... herself?) and one of Bill Murray with the Wu-Tang Clan. No, I don't know, either.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 4:29 PM


Correspondent Vladimir finishes up his reviews with The Return, Casa de los Babys, Coffee and Cigarettes, Zatoichi, Vibrator, A Good Lawyer's Wife, Travellers and Magicians, Floating Landscape, and Goodbye, Green Dragon Inn.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 2:11 PM


Empire Movies review of Cold Creek Manor:

"Stephen Dorff plays a real arsehole in the movie and he plays it to a tee, but his character is a mess. The role he played in the movie, he should have been the coolest dude in the movie. Instead, he was a waste of film. And by the way Dorff, I like ya, you got great abs, now put your fucking shirt on. You would almost think that Victor Salva directed the movie."

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 1:03 PM


Well, I'll be damned, it's official: Christian Bale is Batman. He's been a longtime frontrunner, but the last I'd heard, IGN Filmforce was hinting that Cillian Murphy (28 Days Later) was going to get the part. Personally, I think Bale is perfect. Oh, and he'd make a good Batman, too...

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 12:37 PM


Oooo, production art.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 8:56 AM


New arrival at the Park: Kill Bill Vol. 1 theatrical trailer.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 8:49 AM


I am going to preface this by saying that I love collecting cards--tarot cards, trading cards, pretty cards with pretty pictures. It's a sickness, what can I say. And each year so far, I've gone on eBay and bought the entire yearly set of LOTR Topps cards for about $10. The link above? TORn has a preview of this year's cards.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 8:39 AM


...the fine folks at our affiliate Keira Knightley Wavefront have emailed us with the announcement that the site has moved to Not only that, but they've added more pictures than you can shake a stick at--something like 700 (I stopped counting after "six").

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 8:14 AM


Tain't your mama's Guinevere, let's put it that way.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 8:07 AM

Wednesday, September 10, 2003  


IMDB: "BREAKING NEWS: Entertainment Tonight is reporting that in light of too many details coming to the surface, the wedding of supercouple Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, originally set for Sunday, September 14th, has been indefinitely postponed. "

Oh my shit, I cannot believe this is "breaking news."

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 8:54 PM


Sender: R.G.A.

Subject: Do you have what it takes to be wealthy

A shitload of money? No.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 8:38 PM


AngelDust and I just witnessed the most disturbing use of Garbage's "#1 Crush" ever.

Does anyone know of a site that's like TWOP for soap operas? I have to find out what's up with this Whitney/Fox/Theresa/What's His Name thing. Oh, and why that crazy blonde psychic lady wants to keep Luis and Sheridan apart, and why the two hags holding Sheridan and her baby hostage are such bad actresses.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 12:21 PM


So: the first RIAA settlement has come from... a 12-year-old honors student whose family thought that it was okay to download because they'd paid for software to do so, and were horrified to find out they were doing something illegal. USAToday:

The top lawyer for Verizon, William Barr, charged earlier Tuesday during a Senate hearing that music lawyers had resorted to a "campaign against 12-year-old girls" rather than trying to help consumers turn to legal sources for songs online. Verizon's Internet subsidiary is engaged in a protracted legal fight against the RIAA over copyright subpoenas sent Verizon customers.

Sen. Dick Durbin (D-Ill.) also alluded to Brianna's case.

"Are you headed to junior high schools to round up the usual suspects?" Durbin asked RIAA president Cary Sherman during a Senate Judiciary hearing.

Here's another article on the other lawsuits coming out--most of the defendants haven't even found out that they're being sued yet, and only find out when the media descends upon them to ask questions:

Tupuola, who has three sisters, attends a trade college. Her father is a truck driver. "We didn't know (file-sharing) was illegal," she said.

The RIAA obtained the Tupuolas' information from their Internet provider, via one of 1,600 subpoenas delivered over the past few months demanding personal data about suspected file-sharers. The provider alerted the family a month ago to the potential of a lawsuit. "We haven't downloaded anything since," Tupuola says. "My mom thought she handled everything. We don't use Kazaa anymore."

The range of people sued by the RIAA is wide — from preteen LaHara to a 71-year-old Richardson, Texas, grandfather. Many are perplexed parents who say they never realized what their kids were getting into.

Colorado resident Janet Bebell, 54, told The Denver Post, "I am sure that a gray-haired, middle-aged woman going to court to defend herself from charges that she downloaded music by a band called Incubus is going to get a laugh."

Ronna Leonard, 49, of Torrance, Calif., admits she has used Grokster. But in selecting her for a lawsuit, she says, the RIAA choose poorly: "I was injured at work two years ago and haven't worked since. In a week, I'll be homeless, with literally nowhere to go. If they want to serve me, they better do it fast, because otherwise I don't know how they'll find me."

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 9:31 AM

Tuesday, September 09, 2003  


So I'm downstairs getting a drink on my way to bed, and the TV's been left on and it's David Letterman, and Salma Hayek is on, and she looks great and she's funny and she's talking about her stunts in the movie (though I hear, for reasons that will become apparent to you if you see the movie, she does not have all that many). There's something about the way "I was hanging there like a piñata!" whipcracks off her tongue that's hilarious, by the way. And then they show the clip in question.

Honestly? It's the lamest lame that ever lamed. It looks like a parody--a bad parody--of a Charlie's Angels movie. The explosion is the fakest thing I've ever seen in all my life, and the editing/pacing is cartoonish. Wow. Correspondent Vladimir's review is starting to make more sense now.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 9:29 PM


Ooo, the IGN DVD review is up. With pictures!

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 8:49 PM


New arrival at the Park: Gothika, a treasure trove of spooky imagery and classic horror cliches.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 3:16 PM


I cannot stress to you how crucial the AMPAS crackdown on studio campaigns is going to be to this year's Oscar race. To wit:

In fact, the Academy would like to see the whole notion of Oscar "campaigns" banished altogether. The booklet's introduction acknowledges "an unfortunate series of manipulative and excessive Academy Awards (news - web sites) 'campaigns' " in recent years, and the new guidelines are intended "to set a tone, to set out some standards for ethical conduct where Academy Awards are concerned."

While the advice is directed to Academy members themselves, it will inevitably also be read by the companies promoting movies for Oscar consideration.

"The companies have come to us, asking us to define what is regarded as appropriate," Academy president Frank Pierson said. "We are drawing a line in the sand so it is clear to people what behavior is appropriate and what is not. Over the past couple of years, there have been a couple of people -- I'm not going to cite them or the issues involved -- who we seriously considered expelling. But since those people had no firm idea of what constituted an offense that would merit such a severe penalty, we decided to appoint a committee to define the essence of what is appropriate conduct."

Among the specific guidelines:

** Members should voluntarily "curtail their freedom of written and electronic speech during the awards season" -- that means no op-ed pieces, letters to the editor, advertising blurbs, formal television interviews or Web postings praising or criticizing movies in the race.

** They should ignore ad campaigns urging votes for a filmmaker who "should have won" in an earlier year.

** And when it comes to Oscar parties, members are urged to ask themselves such questions as: Does the host actually know most of the guests? Is the host paying for the evening, or is a studio or production company footing the bill? " 'Yes' answers indicate treacherous ethical waters," the guide advises.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 8:25 AM


Oh my God, this woman is insane. In fact, this is the kind of ignorant tripe you usually hear from a male chauvinist (spoilers):

Let’s review the conundrum facing Selena and Hannah. You can be infected by contact with zombies and die a vicious death in 28 days, get savagely killed then eaten by said zombies, or become Eve 2 and Eve 3 servicing a small group of young soldiers who will protect you, feed you, and give you nice dresses to wear. There appears to be a compelling need to start the rapidly declining human race again. Serve Mankind or fight off horny soldiers then go off on your own looking for shelter?

I kept thinking how nice Selena’s red ball gown was and how the compound’s perimeter was so well guarded. With a little cleverness, these two women could become goddesses.

(Thanks, Parma Violets.)

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 7:32 AM



posted by Cleolinda Jones | 7:29 AM


Leni Riefenstahl, 101 ("Her heart simply stopped"). Riefenstahl, the director of Triumph of the Will, was a controversial figure most of her life (Jodie Foster has wanted to make a movie of her life and so far has been strongly discouraged to do so), so it'll be interesting to see how she's eulogized over the next few days.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 6:02 AM

Monday, September 08, 2003  


Neil Gaiman has posted on his journal to get the word out for a relatively short-notice Sandman: Endless Nights signing in Fort Lauderdale:

"It'll be on Monday the 22nd of September 2003 -- two weeks from now -- in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, at the Barnes and Noble 2051 N. Federal Hwy Ft Lauderdale, FL.... The signing is going to start at 6.00pm. I know it's not much notice, but I would hate to spend the next couple of years apologising to people in the Florida/ Georgia/ SouthEast area for not letting them know I was going to be there and signing. So if anyone can help spread the word, I'd be very grateful. Right now, the Ft Lauderdale and the two short New York is Book Country signings are the only Endless Nights signings in the US. I wanted to do a San Francisco or an LA one, but time is pretty tight towards the end of the year, and even though I want to do them, I doubt very much they'll happen at this point.

"So it's B&N, Fort Lauderdale, Monday the 22nd of Sept at 6.00pm. "

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 11:33 PM


News. Up. Tired.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 11:29 PM


Woo hoo! Say hello to brand-new affiliate Ashton Kutcher Network.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 11:25 PM


New at the Park: In the Cut, which totally gives away the entire plot, unless it's a clever misdirection, in which case I would rather know nothing anyway.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 11:41 AM


Billy Bob Thornton on his split with Angelina Jolie (IMDB): "I don't think either one of us know why we split up. It was like, say you're going into a nightclub one night with your friends and you're in line and the next thing you know, there are guys in helicopters and there's machine gunfire and you don't know what happened. That's kind of what our break-up was like."

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 11:32 AM


Catch a sneak peek at the credits from the company that made them, Imaginary Forces.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 11:14 AM


Warren Zevon has passed on.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 10:49 AM


All right, this is important, so read this carefully:

1. If you want to see Secondhand Lions when it opens on 9/19 and you don't give a damn about the ROTK trailer, go with God, knock yourself out.

2. If you want to see the ROTK trailer (or perhaps don't even care about Secondhand Lions) DO NOT GO SEE THE MOVIE until 9/26. The movie's coming out a week earlier than planned; the trailer still won't be ready until the original 9/26 date, however. Budget your time and money accordingly.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 10:43 AM


Correspondent Vladimir has another review up--this time, a rave for 21 Grams.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 10:32 AM


Dark Horizons has a good picture of Orlando Bloom in a small UK film up (permanent link to picture here).

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 10:21 AM


Sender: communism_doesnt_work@[domain].com

Subject: Re: Approved

Attachment: 99 k (obviously a virus)

I came thisclose to giving you the full email address, until I started to wonder why someone would directly email me with a virus. Ergo, someone out there really has an email address reading "communism_doesn't_work." I mean, I don't believe it does either, except on paper in a happy little rainbow land of sharing and caring, but it seems like a bizarre email address to have.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 10:05 AM

Sunday, September 07, 2003  


...kicks into gear with The Human Stain and Roger Ebert apparently throwing fits for social progress.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 10:27 PM


And we're at six days and counting until the wedding of the year, the decade, the century, the zzzzzzzzz....

ETA: • On being a traditional female at home: "It's about being able to feel safe somewhere. That doesn't mean I'm not a strong, independent woman. But I think when you're in a relationship, you have to submit to a certain extent."

If she revises that to "you BOTH have to submit to a certain extent," I might gain a little respect for "La Lopez" (groan).

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 10:19 PM


Dear Recording Industry Association of America,

The last song I downloaded to my hard drive that I did not, in fact, already own was "Nothing Compares 2 U." Enclosed is a dollar. Please see that it reaches Sinead O'Connor.

Cleolinda Jones

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 10:16 PM


New at the park: Gwyneth Paltrow as Sylvia (Plath).

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 9:43 PM


Awwwwwww hell, now I'm gonna have to go see Secondhand Lions. Piss.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 7:41 PM

Saturday, September 06, 2003  


Correspondent Vladimir comes home from the fest raving about 21 Grams--but still has a backlog of reviews. Hit it.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 9:07 PM


posted by Cleolinda Jones | 8:58 PM

Friday, September 05, 2003  


I'll be damned--they really did let Gwen Stefani play Jean Harlow. (Picture at Coming Soon, link above.)

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 2:43 PM


DVD Answers has some excellent screenshots of the TTT EE menus (link above), and TORN has a new pic of Legolas from ROTK--my money's on Paths of the Dead for that one.

ETA: TORN also has a metric jackload of hi-res stills that New Line's put out from the TTT EE.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 12:07 PM


So I'm reading a Memoirs of an Invisible Man DVD review on CHUD, and I see this: "Ironically, the “loneliness of invisibility” psychobabble undercurrent would’ve been great if anyone OTHER than Chase had been cast in the role. He’s not a serious actor, and never will be. You don’t cast Ian McKellen spouting rapid fire, profane, and 'hip' dialogue in a Tarantino flick, and you don’t cast Chevy Chase as a withdrawn, self-centered 'player' who supposedly has all of this emotional trauma going on. It simply isn’t done."

Except for the fact that I would totally go see Ian McKellen in a Tarantino flick. Think about that a minute--hilarious, isn't it?

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 9:39 AM

Thursday, September 04, 2003  


Given my sketchy internet connection as of late, I'm going ahead and putting the latest installment, featuring "The Perils of Pollyanna," online.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 7:55 PM


Oooo--Brassy over at the LOTR News Journal has a link to new pictures. (ETA: And here's another entry on the same site.)

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 7:18 PM


Sender: j

Subject: FWD:drunk teen Girls Getting NastyQP

Dude, I live with a seventeen year old. It's called "my house."

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 6:56 PM


A nifty Flash animation of Peter Kuper's illustrated adaptation of the Kafka story, which seems to be in a graphic novel format. (Originally on Goblindegook.)

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 6:33 PM


This is so awesome:

"Intolerable Cruelty, by the Coen brothers. This will, for me, be remembered as much for its press conference as for its quirky mainstream goodness. Thing is, George Clooney got cornered by a British girl proud to be his most annoying stalker during the press conference. After talking at length about her infatuation and how she has kept herself chaste for Georgeous George all these long years, she proceeded to produce a bridal veil and a priest with a videocamera and a pocket full of wedding rice, who actually performed the ceremony there and then, in front of the assembled press corps. (I thought it was quite amusing, but most people around me just muttered throughout.) Clooney was game for the joke, until she put the actual ring on his hand, whereupon he asked, 'You mean, this is a real priest?'"

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 5:24 PM


I'm going to preface this by saying that I get a lot of weird reader email. However, I occasionally get a message of vital importance. This is one of them.

Submission = News
Comments = This has absolutely nothing to do with movies, except perhaps for future James Bond installments, but there's a car that can drive (okay, plane) on water. Yelling "go go gadget car!" on crowded beaches is optional. See: And remember: I'm telling you this because I think it's cool, and not because I'm being pressured by the powerful aquatic car lobby. Now I have to resist the temptation to get one of these by nefarious means and start a wave (har!) of piracy. Arrr.


I am so totally putting this on my Amazon wish list. This? Needs to be the Digest company car.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 5:11 PM


And here we have the full poster (without credits) at Jo Blo--a larger version of the logo posted at USAToday a while back.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 7:39 AM


The bad news is, some absolute smacktards have vandalized the train used for the Hogwarts Express in the Harry Potter movies. The good news is, spokesperson James Shuttleworth has come up with an awesome new insult that I intend to implement in my own conversations ASAP.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 7:29 AM

Wednesday, September 03, 2003  


Oh. My. God. Laughed until I cried, I tell you. (Thanks, Chanson.)

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 9:24 PM


All right, the way late news update is up. (DAMN YOU, BELLSOUTH DSL! DAAAAAAMN YOUUUUUUU!)

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 4:19 PM


So... I have spent most of the day without internet access. FOR NO DISCERNIBLE REASON. And I HAVE Tuesday's news update done, I just can't get it to go up. Maybe by TONIGHT it will FINALLY go UP and I will be able to STOP USING the CAPITAL LETTERS OF PISSOSITY.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 3:10 PM


You're in the kitchen, fixing your humble bowl of corn flakes for the morning, and you've completely forgotten about the house painters, who have been working this week anywhere but outside your window, so you don't think about them much. But there you are, sprinkling Equal on your cereal, and all of a sudden this disembodied ladder pops up and starts waving around, finally thunking down against the kitchen wall--and then ANOTHER ONE appears and begins the same dance, and you have this urge to yell out, "Shoot them! Kill them!"

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 7:10 AM

Tuesday, September 02, 2003  


Sender: Mitchell

Subject: Privately masturbate faa

Oh dear. This time, I seem to have gotten Peter Greenaway's porn spam.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 2:58 PM


IMDB: "British actor Jude Law is so desperate to elude journalists keen to quiz him on the state of his marriage to Sadie Frost, he has adopted an elaborate pseudonym. Frost filed for divorce from The Talented Mr Ripley star Jude last month after months of speculation about their relationship. She has since been spotted holidaying with new Beau Jackson Scot, but Law has been notably missing from the newspaper pages since the split. But his ruse has been uncovered, he's been traveling between Hollywood and London under the guise of Mr Branchflower. A source close to the star revealed all after Law was recently spotted traveling on a under the assumed name; 'This was to put off the scent journalists keen to inquire into the state of his relationship with his estranged wife Sadie.' "

Well, that's why I go by Sookie Plumberry-Clearwater whenever I want to fly under the radar.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 11:13 AM


Correspondent Vladimir flags down the "biggest" celebrity on the Westin Excelsior terrace. Hee. Hee hee hee.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 8:14 AM


Yes, there was actually an update this weekend for the Black Ribbon. I'm actually thinking of redoing the third page--it just isn't living up to the concept I had, but there you go. The text ("Suggestions for Miss Jones' serial") is fairly amusing, however. I've already finished most of next week's installment, though, and I'm really proud of it, so that's when I'll fire off another newsletter.

I now have a month to finish the "Bitter Kiss" story itself. I've got 67 pages so far (24,000 words) and I'm getting worried. If you know anything about the way I draft stories--in present tense, as if describing things to myself, because after all, a first draft doesn't count, does it? Great way to get past writer's block--you'll know that it's 67 pages of nothing fit to be seen. And the first installment's going up October 3. Crap.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 7:27 AM


Today, on Gaiman's journal:

Q: There ha[ve] been a few rumors that you may be working on making a script for the live action Neon Genesis Evangelion movie? Do you have any comments on this?

A: Sure. These rumours are what is technically known as "completely made up by someone".

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 7:13 AM


More reviews from Correspondent Vladimir: Bertolucci's The Dreamers, Sofia Coppola's Lost in Translation, and Michael Winterbottom's Code 46. The one I was most curious to hear about, though (yes, even over Lost in Translation), was Imagining Argentina, mostly because I heard this morning that it got roundly booed:

This is, by far (or faa, in Greenaway-speak), the most universally hated movie of the festival. I even heard a Californian journalist who lived for a long time in South America say that it's the worst film she ever saw. Now, now. I wouldn't go that far, having seen lots of Croatian cinema over the years. Still, I do agree that it was a bad idea to combine the very real, and very little known* story of "disappearances" during the military rule in Argentina from 1976 to 1983, when an estimated 30.000 normal, everyday people lost their lives after horrible tortures, with the central character (Antonio Banderas) who is apparently able to telepatically connect with the victims, and thus convey their destinies to their loved ones.

As an exercise in the ways human spirit clings to increasingly unlikely hopes when faced with despair, this could have been very, very good. But Hampton doesn't take this route: instead, he embraces the ESP as a total fact, mixes in a lot of second-hand magic realism, riddles the movie with liberal doses of poetic licence and plot holes, and then burdens such a thin, dodgy construction with very convincing descriptions of murder, rape and torture. Misjudged? You bet. Well-intentioned? You bet.

So it's hard to see a movie misfire so badly, especially since Hampton said he wrote the script way back in 1989, just after Dangerous Liaisons, so it's not like he's been in a creative rut at the time. Also, the movie features a heartfelt performance by Emma Thompson, the only combined Best Actress and Best Screenplay Oscar winner ever, who also refuses to see anything wrong with it. This could be a sad career move for all involved, and I bet there will be more to its story as it unfolds and gets released around the world, especially in Argentina.

Hit the link for more.

* Not if your high school Spanish teacher planned a yearly lesson around Sting's "Danzan con los muertos" every year that involved listening to the song as a dictation exercise (yes, we had to hear it until we could write it out--in Spanish, mind you--correctly). But I digress.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 7:08 AM


All right, we've got two here (and I desperately need to update this feature on the site. Hell, I need to update a lot of things. Shut up).

1. Unanswered. From a reader: "Who's the actor in the Dentyne Ice commercial?" You know, the one with the song that I made my personal mission to find ("Way You Walk," Papas Fritas). Anyone got any ideas?

2. Answered. From me, re: The Virgin Suicides: "Kirsten Dunst and Josh Hartnett leave her house (after watching TV with the family), walk to his car, and start making out. What's the song playing right there?" Yes, it's another song question. Thanks to the gang at FT (particularly wifflepillow) we've ascertained that it's Heart's "Crazy on You," which, believe it or not, I already own. That's right--I have the Heart: Greatest Hits CD (again: shut up) and there it is, track #1, "Crazy on You" ("I'll be damned").

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 7:02 AM

Monday, September 01, 2003  


More reviews from Correspondent Vladimir: The Saddest Music in the World and Le Divorce.

posted by Cleolinda Jones | 6:54 AM