OCCUPATION: GIRL

Okay, I've been off the blog about a week and I should at least account for my whereabouts. First we had the Hurricane Ivan backwash (I'm in Birmingham, remember); then, after the hurricane was completely past us, I then lost my internet for about five days while BellSouth tried to clean things up; AND I had a small paper due. On top of that, I now have a huge Milton midterm on Thursday. So basically, blogging will be suspended for this week as well, because the journal is about all I can keep up with.

However, I really want to restructure the way things work in Cleoland--I think I'm relying too much on my LJ (and spamming it a bit) when I could be posting things that are not actually about me on this blog, where linkspam makes more sense. That, and I want to resuscitate the Digest, now that it looks like I'm getting a couple more months to write the M15M book. So: I'm taking this week off as well to get everything together, and then next week I'll try to start off fresh.

BLOW THE MAN DOWN!

Dave Barry, one o' the finest champions o' piracy, be celebratin' the day as well.

SCURVY SWAB SINGALONG!

Yar, one o' t'other journal cap'ns 'as started a right fine sea chanty about a... drunken tree sloth:

What shall we do with a drunken tree sloth
What shall we do with a drunken tree sloth
What shall we do with a drunken tree sloth
Ear-lye in the mor-nin'..........

Further verses be includin'

>> Put him in the tree house til he's sober

>> Put him in the cabin with the wombat's daugh-ter

>> Shave his body with a rusty razor

>> Slash him with a koala lover

>> Set him up with a mongoose blind date

>> Ask him for a kiss when the evening's over

>> Truss him up in cuffs and leather

>> Take a picture and blackmail him later

>> Flog him on the starboard yardarm

An' then lube an' butt plugs an' web casts be mentioned. Yar.

YAR!

ARRRR! Me interweb connection be scuppered, mates! Tis another betrayal of those bleedin' BellSouth lubbers! THE WHORESON POXY BILGE RATS--

Oh. Tis back. Arrr.

ARRRRRR!

Greetin’s, Salutations, and “Yar.” Cap'n Cleolinda, Black-Hearted Princess of the High Seas, Terror of the Spanish Main, and Wanton Adventuress of the World Wide Web, be bringin’ you an entire day of blog an' journal updates bespoke in pirate lingo, in honor of Talk Like a Pirate Day this very morn.

"A 12 SUBWAY STOP DONNYBROOK"

This is the most awesome way of dealing with crazed amateur preachers ever: “If you all don’t lower your voices and cease calling me Satan, I will have to sing show tunes.” And she does.

"CALLING ALL HOT WOMEN OF THE LORD!"

"Not only can we date cute guys, but hopefully we can lead them to God and help them get saved them from the burning fires of Hell. I've outlined a few tips to help you date cute heathen guys, step-by-step!"

I think my favorite is #9: "If he gets angry that you won't put out... Clarify to him that W.W.J.D. does NOT mean 'Who would Jesus Do.'"

RICK JAMES AUTOPSY SHOCKER, BITCH

That there were nine drugs in his system at the time of death? Yeah... not so much a shocker. Also: love the whole Chappelle's Show paragraph.

SHE'S TOO PUNK ROCK FOR THIS

...but not for Xtina duotone curls, no sir.

CULKIN ARRESTED ON DRUG CHARGES

"Oh, dude! Is that his--dude, it is! That's his mug shot!"

SHE'S WICCARIFIC!

"When Kayla gets home from school, she puts on her Charm Girl jacket and turns into a Charm Girl, ready to mix up potions for you that you can really drink. Make a wish, drink the potion, and maybe your wish will come true. Kayla comes with a mixing spoon, 'magic' pot, recipe booklet, two packets of potion (sugar-based mixes you mix with water), and a plastic pet, too." And this is apparently a Barbie doll, people. I mean, I think it's kind of spiff, but... how have the parent groups missed this one?

OCCUPATION: GIRL

In case you've been wondering where I was all week, well--Hurricane Ivan, for one. A brief rundown of things going on at the LiveJournal:

Vladimir provides Howl's Moving Castle pics from Venice

You are a force of nature, a cyclone, a hurricane. But be judicious with your power. "THAT'S NOT FUNNY."

"MY OX IS BROKEN!"

OMGWTFTREEEEEEE!

One-Eighth Tree and photogenic dogs

Original Recipe Betsy and Fugagorn, the Fug of Men

Also: Don't forget Talk Like a Pirate Day on Sunday.

"A NATION OF KIDS WHO DON'T KNOW HOW TO DREAM"

Trying to get back into the blogging habit--I just ran across this and thought it was interesting. It's a subject that's been up for debate and parody ever since I was a kid, I know--the overscheduled kid juggling piano lessons and karate and soccer and basketweaving, leaving no time to actually, y'know, play and all--but this article specifically links it to the mad crush to get into Ivy League schools and, more interestingly, what the Ivy League schools are doing to combat it:

"We have to stop our part," says Marilee Jones, dean of admissions at MIT in Cambridge, Mass. "We don't own the whole thing, but we absolutely own a piece of it."

Ms. Jones realized something was wrong as more and more applications came in with the extracurricular section crammed, and she heard from more parents in place of calls from kids. The mother of a 16-year-old daughter, she blames the phenomenon on a generational tendency, baby boomers' drive toward perfection.

So she made some changes. The application now has five lines instead of 10 under the activities section and asks applicants to list their outside interests instead of citing honors and awards. Now, says Jones, she hears about a boy's Friday night poker club with friends or the way a student enjoys fishing with his father. "It gives more texture to an applicant, and I hope in some small way we're signalling to them that they don't have to be perfect. We don't want perfection.... Colleges have created mechanisms to crowd out the kids who are dreamers, to crowd out the kids who step off the conventional path and want to do something unique," Jones says. "What does it mean to have a nation of kids who don't know how to dream?"

THE SHIP'S LOG O' THE FESTERIN' BOIL

Are you getting ready for Talk Like a Pirate Day this year?

OMG PLAYGERIZM!

I love how Harvard Law professor pins the whole thing on two bumbling research assistants. Dude, the moral is the same: WRITE YOUR OWN BOOK.

VLADIMIR'S VENICE VACATION

Are you keeping up with Vladimir's journal? Because he met Alfonso Cuarón (squee!) today and got us an exclusive Steamboy interview and has just been, if my time zone calculations are right, to the Shark Tale premiere party.

"BACALL BALKS AFTER KIDMAN CALLED 'LEGEND'"

Snerk.

"OB-GYNS KEPT FROM PRACTICING THEIR LOVE"

Did anyone else hear this story and think of the first five minutes of The Hand That Rocks the Cradle?

"FAHRENHEIT 9/11 PULLED FROM BEST DOCUMENTARY CONSIDERATION"

Breaking news from OscarWatch: Michael Moore is pulling the controversial--and astonishingly successful--documentary from Best Doc consideration. However, he has no problems with it being nominated in other categories, which I think is interesting. I mean, he won the Oscar last year (wasn't it last year?), so he can afford a move like this. But part of me also wonders if he just wants to sidestep the issue entirely--what if he's afraid he'd get blackballed after his speech last year, or for the controversy this year, or because a lot of people just plain don't like him?

NOTPROUD.COM

Personally, I think the name of the site (which I got from a FT link) is a misnomer. Of course you can confess your own sins (or "sins," in some cases), but the best part is naturally reading others' confessions. And a lot of these people? Are perfectly proud of what they've done:

"I don't know what else this can be classified as but here it goes. I screwed this guy just so I can borrow money from him, then I had to let him down hard, and GOD it felt so good to see him depressed and moody. I felt so good that i created a person, emailed him with a fake email I created, sent a fake pic I stole off the net, and now have him in love with this person. I have been keeping this going for over two months now. This was getting boring, so I added some extra flavor. I am 'crawling' back to him myself now and giving him a dilemma. Does he go with the person he's never met that he loves, or me, who he lusted after for over a year until I fucked him? I love this shit. I just scheduled my alter ego to go out with him for the first time next week and I am going to show up myself and see how he reacts when he thinks he has been caught trying to be a player. GOD this shit is fun...and more than likely wrong as all hell, but still fun."

Also interesting: which categories people choose for their confessions (Greed: "I want to bang my next door neighbor so hard!" Okay!). Other good ones:

"i saw you today...and i hid."

"when i meet a girl i like i cant help but acting like an ass cos i dont want to seem too nice"

"i take drugs and its great."

"Where are you? I need you! Fuck it i'll just go to the bar and have a beer."

"fuck all the straight poeple out there! there need's to be more dyke's i am tellin you for real!!!"

"I like Morrissey."

"WHAT REALLY HIT THE PENTAGON?"

I saw this linked on The Ferrett's LiveJournal and--guys, you might want to take a look at this. I seriously don't know what to make of it.


ETA: Never mind. I totally know what to make of it.

LEMONY SNICKET

CountOlaf.com: "The Incredibly Magnificent Count Olaf: Actor, Humanitarian, Heartthrob, Ultimate Dad." Is his name spelled out in bling? Seriously? Hee hee.