THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW IN FIFTEEN MINUTES

Tiny Cages, New York Zoo

ZOOKEEPER #1: Why are we keeping all the animals in tiny cages in what looks like a boxcar?

ZOOKEEPER #2: Because it's cold?

ZOOKEEPER #1: . . .

ZOOKEEPER #2: . . .

ZOOKEEPER #1: Okay, sure, that works for me.

ZOOKEEPER #2: Look! This bizarre weather is upsetting the animals!

BEARS: *howl*

LYNXES: *howl*

PENGUINS: *howl*

WOLVES: . . .

ZOOKEEPER #1: OMG THE PLOT POINTS HAVE ESCAPED!

SPAM OF THE DAY

From: Williams Craft

Subject: dissident gonads living with 53

"Dissident Gonads" is so the name of my next band.

THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW

Okay, I think this is meant to be a hero shot, but... poor Jake just looks like he paid a visit to the headshrinker.

THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW

Roger Ebert: "We are wondering (a) why walk to New York when [Dennis Quaid's character's] expertise is desperately needed to save millions? (...) As for the answer to (a), anyone familiar with the formula will know it is because he Feels Guilty About Neglecting His Son by spending all that time being a paleoclimatologist. It took him a lot of that time just to spell it. "

LADDER 49

Firefighters. Pranks. Families in slo-mo. Joaquin Phoenix in peril. (On the other hand, John Travolta not in peril.) Does it make me a bad person if this trailer aroused absolutely no interest in me at all?

RENT

Justin Timberlake? Okay, I can see it. You can only have so many actors who can't sing trying to muddle through a musical. But Chris Columbus (Harry Potter and the Overly Faithful Adaptation) to direct? Lord. I think the man wants some of that Rob Marshall/Chicago Oscar action, myself.

HARRY POTTER AND THE UNNAMED BOOKS

USAToday: "Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling says that Alfonso Cuaron, who directed The Prisoner of Azkaban, which opens next Friday, inadvertently foreshadowed events that will happen in books six and seven, which she has yet to complete.

'I really got goose bumps when I saw a couple of those things, and I thought, people are going to look back on the film and think that those were put in deliberately as clues,' Rowling says in an interview released by Warner Bros., which is distributing the movie.

Cuaron, for his part, says 'in a way, it was intuition, but everything is so emotionally eloquent, the book gives you all the hints.'

Rowling cites Cuaron's 'good intuition about what would and wouldn't work' in his film version, which is a less by-the-book take on her novel than the previous two films. It's also shorter. (...) For the very obvious reason that books and films are such different media, to do a very literal adaptation maybe wouldn't serve the material best, and I think he's done exactly what I hoped he would do."

*coughChrisColumbuscoughoverlyfaithfulcoughcough*

MINI-REVIEW: THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW

Now I'm afraid of weather, dammit. *thunderclap*

"KNIGHTLEY SLAMS UNIVERSITY RUMORS"

IMDB: "Hollywood actress Keira Knightley has rubbished rumors she intends to reject her movie star lifestyle to become a student. The Pirates Of The Caribbean: The Curse Of The Black Pearl star insists that although she would like to continue her studies into higher education she has certainly not signed up to go to British educational establishment Oxford Brookes. The 18-year-old says, 'I've read that I'm supposed to be starting at Oxford Brookes this autumn, but it's a load of rubbish. I'm just too busy with film projects at the moment, although going to university is something I would like to do one day.'"

What I like is that a gossip column always has to say that a star "slams" or "rubbishes" a rumor (OMG NOT UNIVERSITY!). No one can ever just "correct" anything. I'm waiting for someone to say that a star "bludgeons," or "sledgehammers," or "axe-murders" a rumor, personally.

CELLULAR

Cleolinda: (Cellular trailer is up)

Vladimir: Cellulawhat?

Cleolinda: you know, the movie with Tom Cruise as the bad guy who makes the taxi driver help him kill p... wait, no, that's Collateral. What the hell is this, then?

ETA: Check out my post on Trailer Park for more info on the movie. It actually looks pretty interesting.

THE LONGEST YARD

Coming Soon: "Gary Oldman is in talks to join Adam Sandler, Chris Rock and Burt Reynolds in the remake of The Longest Yard, says The Hollywood Reporter.

"The original 1974 comedy-drama movie also starred Reynolds, as an incarcerated former pro quarterback who is asked by a sadistic warden (Eddie Albert) to put together a team of inmates to play a team of burly guards.

In the Paramount remake, Sandler will fill Reynolds' boots, Oldman will play the warden, Rock a caretaker and Reynolds a coach. It is being directed by Peter Segal, who most recently worked with Sandler in 50 First Dates."

Coincidentally, the IMDB mentions that Oldman owes a shitload in taxes.

IGN FILMFORCE'S NEW LOOK

WE FEAR CHANGE!

THE GOLDEN TRAILERS

The Stepford Wives first trailer, which I found totally underwhelming, picked up "Most Original," "Summer 2004 Blockbuster," and "Best of Show." Adds Empire Online, "The Stepford Wives, which stars Nicole Kidman, Glenn Close and Bette Midler, ran away with most of the plaudits - an event that had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Close was also on the judging panel."

WHO'S THAT BLOGGER?

I first heard about Rance on a FT board, and I'd love to know who he is, but I think he's right--giving up his identity would render the blog pointless. The really weird thing is that both the blogs on Rance's tail in the article--neither of which I had heard of until the last week or so--both linked to Troy in Fifteen Minutes. OMG SIX DEGREES OF CLEO!

ANGER MANAGEMENT, HON

Chicago Sun-Times on Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban: "A sneak peek: One of the biggest, cheer-out-loud moments is when Emma Watson as bookish girl-witch Hermione punches out the dreaded, blond-haired, snotty wizard Draco Malfoy.

'Girl power! Honestly, I loved every single second on that punch,' Watson boasted. 'I told our director Alfonso Cuaron that I'd do that scene every single day for a week. Unfortunately, we got it in a couple of takes. But it was so cool!'"

DEFAMED!

I'd never heard of the Defamer weblog before, but it looks like that's an omission that should be corrected--very spiff. Also, they linked to Troy in Fifteen Minutes, which also recommends them highly. Oh, and here's their latest story--Mindy Herman getting booted from E! with an obscenely golden parachute of $20M:

Among Herman's rumored misdeeads are throwing herself two baby showers on the E! tab and getting into a fight in the parking lot of a Hollywood burlesque club 40 Deuce. She also had a room in her Malibu home remodeled as part of E!'s makeover show Guess Who's Coming To Decorate.

An irate E! staffer rants: "The entire company is underpaid and she gets $20 million dollars! That's obscene! Her one claim to fame as head of E! is Anna Nicole, and it was the FAT Anna Nicole, not even the new, hot Anna Nicole!"

NEWSTRACKER UPDATE

Woot! Four in a row!

CATWOMAN

"I love this movie," says the producer. Well, that's a start.

LEMONY SNICKET

Oh, look, it's a nice assortment of animated, Livejournal-sized icons from the official site.

PHANTOM OF THE OPERA

Wow. Patrick Wilson looks like a major girly-man.

WORKS FOR ME

The Onion: "No-Makeup Look Easier To Achieve Than Elle Claims"

"NEW YORK--Contrary to claims in the June issue of Elle magazine, the no-makeup look actually requires little effort, a licensed cosmetologist reported Monday. 'The article '20 Minutes To A More Natural You' suggests an application of under-eye concealer, light powder, natural lip gloss, and clear mascara to achieve the makeup-free look,' said Michelle Karns-Daley, spokeswoman for the American Association of Cosmetology. 'But really, a quick shower and a towel-off will do the trick just as well.' Similarly, experts say Elle's six-page article 'Building Your Self-Esteem' can be more simply stated as 'Stop giving a shit about what people think.'"

BRIDESHEAD REDUX

Jude Law, Jennifer Connolly, Paul Bettany: too much pretty for me, people.

MADONNA: THE REINVENTION TOUR

I'm thinking I would reinvent myself into a standing position, really.

SUPERMAN

Well, this is interesting--if this spy is right, we're looking at Henry Cavill, Rose Byrne or Selma Blair (Lois Lane), Adam Brody or Topher Grace (Jimmy Olsen), and Johnny Depp (Lex Luthor) for the cast. Out of all the crazy things I've heard (Ashton Kutcher! Beyonce Knowles!), this is the first grouping that has sounded like it could work. (Seriously, I love Rose Byrne--she and Johnny Depp are brilliant choices, right there.)

HIS DARK MATERIALS

Cinescape: "AMERICAN PIE and ABOUT A BOY director Chris Weitz is in discussions to helm the first film in Philip Pullman's HIS DARK MATERIALS trilogy. Based on the acclaimed fantasy novels (titled THE GOLDEN COMPASS, THE SUBTLE KNIFE and THE AMBER SPYGLASS), Pullman's books have been described as being more darker tha J.K. Rowling's HARRY POTTER series. The story is about two children existing in parallel worlds, one of them ours, and how they find a means to communicate with each other and then cross over. Along the way Pullman introduces fantastical creatures, magic, science and even religious philosophy into his tale.

New Line Cinema bought the movie rights to Pullman's works more than two years ago and hired screenwriter Tom Stoppard (SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE) to adapt the first tome. If a deal is struck with Weitz he will go back and write his version of THE GOLDEN COMPASS screenplay."

THIS DISPLEASES ME. I AM MUCH OF THE DISPLEASURE, VERY DISPLEASED AM I.

Okay. Got that out of the way. Hell, I don't know. No one thought Peter "Bad Taste" Jackson was the best idea for Lord of the Rings, either.

ALEXANDER

New trailer's up. Get back to you once it's loaded.

ETA: See Trailer Park for my take on it.

DAYS OF OUR LIVES

From today's recap at my journal (warning: this is the big twist):

Bizarro Salem. Marlena has decided that this is her eternal punishment. Roman denies this. Alice says, "Oh! Maybe she'd like a donut!" Marlena: "NOOOOO! I KILLED YOU WITH DONUTS!" Alice decides to be dense and ask why she'd offer Marlena donuts if Marlena had killed her. "BECAUSE THIS IS A TERRIBLE TWISTED DREAM!" cries Marlena. Roman decides it's time to tell Marlena something shocking: "Are you ready for the truth?" YES, DAMMIT! (...) Roman: "Everything that happened back in Salem was a lie. Lots of things were an illusion. Some things still are. This isn't Alice's house, for example. Someone has built an exact replica of Alice's house and put Alice in it." Salem has been reconstructed and populated it with the residents of Real Salem. If this involves Stefano, I will not be happy.

"THE VAGUELY ETHNIC WAIL"

Okay, now I totally feel like a trendspotter.

THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW

Yay! Vladimir has seen--and reviewed--the movie!

VILLAGE OF INCREDIBLES

To start off the morning: two posters for The Incredibles, and a rather nifty one for The Village. I'm a little over Shyamalan myself, but they've done a pretty good job with a difficult concept.

NEWSTRACKER UPDATE

Woohoo!

BAD MOD! BAD!

When mods go awesomebad: a guy on Gaia tries to pass off Wayne Barlowe artwork as his own. Several pages into the ensuing debacle, the name of the thread mysteriously changes to "A sketch from my project, TAKE A LOOK AT MY ART THEFT."

THE WORLD'S QUICKEST SEX SCANDAL

So... let me see if I understand this: Jessica Cutler, aka "The Washingtonienne," starts her "I want to keep up with my friends, and, oh, by the way, I sleep with multiple politicians for money" blog on May 10. Last week, fellow Washington blogger Wonkette links to her blog, which ends up outing Cutler and losing Cutler her Senate staffer job. This week, the Washington Post has a profile on her and she's moving to New York to get a job in the publishing industry.

So... twelve days from start of blog to national newspaper profile. People, I have yogurt in my fridge older than this.

OH GOD NO!

USAToday: "Chris Columbus, who helmed the first two Potter flicks but this time served as one of the producers, had a star-struck moment when he met Matchbox Twenty's Rob Thomas on the red carpet. 'I really, really love the band,' a sweating Columbus told the singer.

And Columbus had only upbeat comments about both the new movie and its director, Alfonso Cuaron. 'So many people think that I got out for a different reason, but it's been great. I've been able to work on this movie, write and spend time with my family,' said Columbus, whose next film is Rent."

JKROWLING.COM

If I were to have an official author's website, this is what I would want it to look like. Except maybe with some cans of Mountain Dew on the desk.

"TRANSYLVANIA"

NBC has nixed the Van Helsing spin-off, thank God. Because you know, I would be morally obligated to mock it recap it on a weekly basis.

HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN

Coming Soon: "Fans lined the streets for three blocks outside of Radio City Music Hall, waiting for up to seven hours to catch a glimpse of Daniel, Rupert, and Emma at the U.S. premiere of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, the third in the series of phenomenally successful Harry Potter movies. They hailed passing limos, sedan cars, and the occasional school bus with ear-splitting screams, waving handmade signs with red hearts and gold lettering reading 'Dan Marry Me,' 'Rupert Is Quite Cool,' 'Dan Is the Man,' and, in the case of one perceptive young woman, 'Emma Thompson, We Deeply Respect You,' a sentiment which Emma Watson (Hermione Granger) entirely agreed with. 'She's such a fantastic actress,' Watson enthused. 'It was wonderful to work with her.' "

Check out the accompanying picture, in which Watson bears a startling semi-resemblance to Jessica Simpson and Grint gets his Partridge Family on.

DRACULA (1979) IN FIFTEEN MINUTES

Some Bedroom, House of Crazy, Asylum-by-the-Sea

Lucy and Mina are sewing and talking about feminism and reading letters from boys aloud.

LUCY: You don't look so hot, Mina. You wanna go ahead and turn in?

MINA: Yeah... I feel kinda peaky.

LUCY: You might want to put on your nightgown first.

MINA [looking down at Edwardian concoction of buttons and collars and lace]: This is my nightgown.

LUCY: ...Oh.

CANNES CAN CAN

So. Fahrenheit 9/11 has won the Palme d'Or. It'll be interesting to see how it's received stateside.

NEWSTRACKER UPDATE

I'm going back to bed now.

OH, SHIT

You wanna know where I've been? Here's where I've been--here's 370+ comments of where I've been. (This is on top of nearly 300 comments for Van Helsing and then 50+ comments apiece for several other entries, including icon and Days recap posts. Jesus.) It was really cool when people were coming to my journal through just plain word-of-LJ-mouth. (I mean, it's still cool, but--well, you'll see what I mean.) Then "Troy in Fifteen Minutes" made i-am-bored.com. Then boingboing.net. Then the TORN message boards. Now it's been Metafiltered. I better get some gainful writerly employment out of this, that's all I'm gonna say, because right now I'm chained to my computer on my month off school trying to wade through all the comments. ("Cleo, you're always chained to your computer." Shut up, man.) And the comments are lovely. It's just the email is coming in faster than I can read it.

*cries*

MOVIES IN FIFTEEN MINUTES

The people (all five of them) demanded it, and I live to serve: Troy in Fifteen Minutes.


Some Rock Beside the Battlefield

EUDORUS: More popcorn, lord?

ACHILLES: Thanks, man.

PATROCLUS: But I wanna go fiiiiiiight!

ACHILLES: Shut up and drink your Slurpee, kid.

THE MYRMIDONS: *sit on the rock and watch the war*

ACHILLES: Huh. Look at that. All the Greeks are running right up to the city wall so the Trojan archers can shoot them down. How considerate of them.


Read more, or read other Movies in Fifteen Minutes.

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 2... AND 3

Coming Soon: Two cool news bits have come in this weekend about the Pirates of the Caribbean sequels. First up, Dark Horizons received a report from the NATO (North American Theatre Owners) annual meeting where Disney talked about the franchise.

He went on to talk about the sequel(s) to Pirates and said the entire cast and production team would be back. He said production would begin shortly on Pirates of the Caribbean 2 & 3 and they would be released six months apart in 2006. This was news to me as I had only heard their was going to be one sequel.

This confirms earlier speculation by the Hollywood trades that Disney was going to shoot two sequels at once, much like the second and third "Matrix" films.

ComingSoon.net has also confirmed with a very reliable source that Johnny Depp's wish has come true. Rolling Stones' Keith Richards will indeed play Captain Jack Sparrow's dad in the sequel. As you probably know by now, Depp modeled Sparrow in the first film after the musician.

MOVIES IN FIFTEEN MINUTES

I bring you: Hidalgo in Fifteen Minutes. Excerpt:


Some Desert Oasis

FRANK: *plays harmonica loudly*

NOT ABUBU: CEASE YOUR HONKY RACKET, INFIDEL!

FRANK: *keeps playing*

SIGNS IT'S TIME TO STOP HANGING OUT WITH PLUM SYKES

You name your kid Apple. Oh, Gwyneth, I thought you would go for something pseudo-classy.

KING ARTHUR

Ooo, the new website is up.

WHICH HOMERIC HERO ARE YOU?

And lest this sound like one of those dime-a-dozen LJ quizzes, it's actually on the Guardian.co.uk in honor of Troy. I'm Hector ("Everyone knows you're a great asset to the team. Hard-working, resilient, always ready to take the next setback on the nose and get right back into the fray. Some might say you suffer from a slight lack of imagination. You should also know that the nice guy never prospers"). (Thanks to rossywar's journal for the link.)

DAYS OF OUR LIVES

Marlena, she ded.

NEWSTRACKER UPDATED

omg i am so tired *cries*

THE LIFE OF DEATH OF PETER SELLERS

A picture of Geoffrey Rush and Charlize Theron as Peter Sellers and Britt Eklund. It's... kind of uncanny, actually.

THE ONION

"For less than the price of a $30 cup of coffee, America's Finest News Source is now available in a new, non-free form."

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! WHY, GOD, WHY??

ETA: Okay, false alarm. Someone send me a link without explaining that you can still get the regular Onion for free each week, and I panicked. Whew.

THE HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY

Ooo, the official movie teaser site. Includes production blog: "As we gathered on the soundstage today for the first day's filming of the Heart of Gold, it really struck us for the first time: we're doing it. We're really making the movie! After a particularly muddy week last week in the English countryside, things are really underway... But that’s for another entry, another day!"

VANITY FAIR

Speaking as a costume whore, I think these pictures are most excellent.

THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA

I can't believe I forgot to post this yesterday--Tilda Swinton will play the White Witch (and not Nicole Kidman after all). I've liked Swinton since Orlando, and was really sorry she didn't get an Oscar nomination for The Deep End, and she definitely has an otherworldly quality. Excellent choice.

ETA: Oh. I did mention it. Like, two days ago. Shut up, it's official now and I'm excited.

KING ARTHUR

God, this poster is awful. And the teaser was so good! Don't miss Keira Knightley's conspicuously inflated bosom. It actually looks quite normal, unless you're familiar with Knightley's incredible flatness.

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO EW

IMDB: "Johansson's 'Unsanitary' Del Toro Encounter"

"Movie teen Scarlett Johansson has confessed she enjoyed a raunchy encounter with 37-year-old actor Benicio Del Toro in a hotel elevator, labeling the spontaneous experience 'unsanitary'. The Lost In Translation beauty was spotted canoodling with the Oscar winner at the Chateau Marmont hotel in Los Angeles before the Academy Awards in February, and stunned guests claimed she later invited him up to her room. But the actress has sensationally revealed the location for their sexy antics was actually the elevator. She says, 'We were making out or having sex or something, which I think is very unsanitary.' "

1. "Making out or having sex or something"? YOU DON'T KNOW?

2. "Unsanitary" to have sex, or to have it in elevators, or to have it with Benicio Del Toro?

THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA

I don't believe anything just because I read it on the IMDB gossip pages, but... Tilda Swinton for the White Witch would be excellent. I love her, and have since Orlando.

FIFTEEN-MINUTE VAN HELSING

I took the bullet for you, people. Excerpt:


The Valerious Family Plans a Wolf Hunt

VELKAN: Hey, Anna, why don't we give the whole gang guns with silver bullets?

ANNA: Oh, I'm sure we'll only need yours. You know, just the one. Have you checked the rope for knots?

VELKAN: Nah, but I'm sure it's fine.

ANNA: You sure you want to be the bait? I mean, you are the last surviving son of our family and all.

VELKAN: Nah, I'm good.

ANNA: You sure? I mean, I'm sure we've got a spare gypsy dude around here--

SPARE GYPSY DUDE: HEY!

VELKAN: Nah, man, I'm good. I got ballet skills. No worries.

MUSIC: Dundundundundundundun DUN DUH! DUN DUH!! DUN DUH DUN DUH DUN DUHHHH!!!!

BOBBY JONES: STROKE OF GENIUS

More from Mr. Cranky: "This is a curious film. There was virtually no publicity prior to its opening and the few screenings that did appear were sponsored by church groups or other Christian organizations. Is it possible that people are starting to think that Jim Caviezel is actually Jesus?"

VAN HELSING

Mr. Cranky: "Dracula (Richard Roxburgh) leads the chaos, but to recount the story in any way that makes sense would require about 20 more paragraphs and an abacus. Suffice it to say that if Van Helsing kills Dracula and a variety of minions including three female vampires, a werewolf, Count Chocula, and possibly Frankenstein's monster (Shuler Hensley), he will save Anna Valerious (Kate Beckinsale) from eternal purgatory and a role in 'Underworld 2.'"

VAN HELSING

If nothing else, I look forward to the reviews bringing the funny. Latino Review: "When Van Helsing tries to stake him through the heart [Dracula] responds, 'Is this your silver stake?' No, it's a microphone, cause you're acting like a rock star in search of a record contract. Count Chocula would give you the five-borough ass beating you deserve and the Count on Sesame Street has more sex appeal than you. 1,2,3,4,5, you suck. And not blood."

THE PASSION OF THE DVD

Last comment (so far) on the page: "I wish Universal was releasing this so that in 13 months time we could be seeing the 'Ultimate Deity Edition' with a bonus disc of useful extras, like unrated outtakes and a preview of 'Pray Like Hell: The Passion of the Christ' video game. And they could time it to come out just as 'The Passion of The Christ: Reloaded' opens in cinemas. With Fox I can only picture multiple releases as Five Star editions."

(Thanks to Vladimir for the link.)

RUSH RUSH

Rush Limbaugh, May 4 show, quoted on throwingstardna's Livejournal:

CALLER: It was like a college fraternity prank that stacked up naked men--

LIMBAUGH: Exactly! ... Exactly my point! This is no different than what happens at the Skull and Bones initiation and we're going to ruin people's lives over it and we're going to hamper our military effort, and then we are going to really hammer them because they had a good time. You know, these people are being fired at every day. I'm talking about people having a good time, these people, you ever heard of emotional release? You [ever] heard of need to blow some steam off?"

With MP3 audio clip for download. Was Limbaugh dropped on his head as a child?

BIZZUH?

Stephen Sommers at CHUD: "I love great cinematography. That's why I have been lucky to work with great cinematographers. On Huck Finn I just happened to get Janusz Kaminski. He was right off of the Vanilla Ice movie. I got Janusz, we each got 500 bucks for the movie, and then he went off to Schindler's List."

I... I just don't know where to start with that entire paragraph.

VAN HELSING

Came across a link to a few frillion VH pics on a LJ community--small sale samples, but tons of shots I'd never seen before. Really great stuff, if you give a shit about this movie (and most of the people I know who do are totally going for particular actor[s]). Warning: there are spoilers. Hell, I saw a few things I didn't even know about, and I thought I was pretty thoroughly spoiled. (Hush.)

P.S. Samuel West seems to have recovered nicely from that bookshelf incident. I don't know WTF these bitches are, though. Ugh. It's like, leather-gimp homunculi or something.

GUINEA PIG THEATER

A link from one of the Fametracker threads: "Dracula is the latest epic to be tackled by our intrepid cavian thespians, better known as Guinea Pig Theater. While not afraid to tackle the darker themes in the dramatic repertoire, the pigs were nevertheless reluctant to take this one on for the special effects alone. But we think they've handled the challenges of flying chase scenes pretty well!"

HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN

Blurry, blurry spoiler involving Sirius, Lupin, and Peter.

OH SHIT

Here's my problem with a female draft: I'm a feminist, and intellectually I know that it would be fair to draft from both sexes. But I guess my question is... if we draft both men and women... who's left?

And you know, I don't like the idea of raising the male draft to 34, either. I mean, considering how pointless and unpopular this war is becoming, and on the heels of the Iraqi abuses that have made us, uh, less than popular... I don't know, I guess they just feel like throwing another thousand lives away or so, just in a different demographic this time.

THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN

From the Oprah site (look, someone sent me a link): a screen cap of Orlando Bloom's video appearance on the Men of Troy show. The general reaction of the Orlando Bloom thread on (the new! improved!) Fametracker forums: "Holy shit, he looks twenty years older! ...I like it."

AICN ROUNDUP

Because I'm lazy: here's a link to a LOTR News entry I just posted with tidbits on Van Helsing (Good reviews? Fanboy pile-on?), Seed of Chucky, King Kong, Evangelion, and the Chronicles of Narnia.

Also, over at the Park: Seed of Chucky and Vanity Fair.

100 GREATEST CHARACTERS

Snaffled this from eclectica: Premiere runs down the 100 greatest movie characters. I can tell I'm going to have some issues with this list already, but I do like #90: "John Malkovich, Being John Malkovich."

HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE

The Leaky Cauldron goes to bat on the Malkovich rumor: "He is not and will not be Voldemort. Firstly, he's not-UK born [one of Rowling's requirements for the actors, IIRC] - strike one quoted by trusted sources. A WB source also says, 'They are not even considering him.'"

NEW YORK MINUTE

Jesus Christ, people! Can't you wait until they're eighteen before you start getting the sexy-coy twincest poses?

"VAN HELSING AVOIDS CAMPY DRACULA"

...on OPPOSITE PLANET.

Oh, and Scifi.com spellcheckers? It's Lugosi. Lugosi.

ROMANCE AND CIGARETTES

Kate Winslet and Christopher Walken: two great tastes that taste really strange together.

HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE

Here's a little inside peek into the tangled world of movie news, people: An "inside source" at Dark Horizons reports that the IMDB is claiming that John Malkovich IS playing Voldemort.

1. The Leaky Cauldron says that Warner Bros. immediately denied this. The IMDB didn't bother to print that.

2. Studios deny things all the time. Doesn't mean it isn't true.

3. I read the IMDB news last week and my "inside source" saw the same thing. Seriously, how "inside" does your source have to be to visit the front page of a site that gets... let me check... 18 million visitors a month?

So: What's a girl to report?

P.S. I think John Malkovich would be perfect. Cross your fingers.

HORS!

Due to some stubbornness on the part of the new Fametracker software, it looks like I'm going to be PrincessCleo instead of cleolinda now. I am still waiting for my registration confirmation, which could take up to 24 hours. Fnarrr.

BAD NEWS BEARS

On the front page of Empire Movies, the article synopsis: "Billy Bob Thornton will star in The Bad News Bears, a remake of the 1976 film in which Walter Matthau played the coach of a Little League team of misfits that he turns into a winner. For movie fans, the only Bad News here is another shitty remake."

GET READY... SET... KEITH!

IMDB: "Depp Wants Richards to Appear in 'Pirates' Sequel"

"Johnny Depp reportedly wants Rolling Stones rocker Keith Richards to appear in the Pirates Of The Caribbean: Curse Of The Black Pearl sequel - as his father. The hunky star famously based his character Jack Sparrow on the aged rocker in the celebrated film, and wants to pay tribute to Richards by landing him a role in the follow-up. A source says, 'Johnny was slightly embarrassed by all the praise for Pirates because he was really just being Keith. A good way of thanking Keith would be to get him to do a walk-on in the sequel.' "

You know, failing that, they could always hire Mick Jagger to do his Keith Richards impression. It's almost better than the real thing, and then you'd have not one but two actors pretending to be the guy. It would be like a Keith-Off or something. As it is, I'm really afraid of getting Keith Richards and Jack Sparrow in the same frame--you wouldn't be able to understand a word anyone said.

"POLICE SEIZE MICHAEL JACKSON'S UNDERPANTS"

I could have lived a thousand years without ever reading that sentence. Thanks, guys.

"HEADS ARE GONNA ROLL"

You seen the Ford commercial with the Sportka ("The Ka's Evil Twin!") whose sunroof decapitates the cat? (You can download a copy at the Metafilter link.) Snopes, via MeFi:

"It was done as a proposal somewhere deep down in the bowels of the agency," Ford said. "As soon as we saw it we said absolutely not. We are appalled — this is not something we want to be associated with."

"A full investigation has been ordered by Ford and Ogilvy to determine how this unapproved material found its way into the public domain," said a spokesman for Ford. "The action in the video clip was totally computer generated — no animal was harmed."

Not that I would put it past a company to throw it out there, see what happens, and then disavow responsibility. I love the "deep in the bowels" bit, too, like Ogilvy & Mather has this CIA-like shadow-agency.

BOX OFFICE

I don't know why I'm so surprised that Mean Girls took number one. Really, it's not like much was coming out this weekend--the big guns are waiting for May--and I've heard fabulous word-of-mouth across Livejournal. I guess I just expected it to become more of a cult/sleeper hit than an actual #1...

INCENDIO! COUCHIO! STEREO!

I didn't see the Lindsay Lohan/Harry Potter skit on SNL last night, but I'd heard about it in advance. If you missed it, there's a transcript with a few screen caps up at the link. The most amusing part is that it follows the plot of half the fanfic out there: Hermione Developed Over the Summer, And How.

LIP BALM ANONYMOUS

Someone was talking about Burt's Bees lip balm, I clicked on the link to see if I might want to try some, and I see... this, under "Testimonials":

"My husband and I are ADDICTED to Burt's lip balm. Got to have it ALL the time. We buy 10 tubes at a time and it is everywhere. We stash it in drawers, pockets, bedside table, in the car, in desk at work, in the purse. When we are out and one of us needs some Burt's lip balm, we simply look at one another and say 'Burt me.'"

"I just wanted to say thank you for the new design of the Beeswax Lip Balm tin. I never struggle to get it open now with the new design. Way to go!"

I am totally imagining junkies wrestling with their lip balm and cursing as they fumble to get their fix. Dude. If your lip gloss qualifies as a narcotic... it's time to let go.

DELIRIUM IN HI-FI

Y'all have to see this. I believe razzberryberet was the first person on LJ who posted it (that I saw, anyway My bad, razzberry got it from danisse). It's a collection of the most awful old record covers ever. These are just some of the titles, man:

All My Friends Are Dead
Africa Speaks, America Answers
How to Keep Your Husband Happy
Bird Sing-a-Long
The Brass Menagerie
The Gorilla Sermon
Music for Crazy Mixed-Up People
Delirium in Hi-Fi
Genuine Electric Latin Love Machine
Glenn W. Turner Speaks Out: "You Can Better Your Best"
Out of Nowhere ("The Hottest Fiddle Ever!")
Happy Banjos
Have Harp Will Travel
Sleep with Pat Collins! ("The Hip Hypnotist!")
The Art of Cooking Meat
Permissive Polyphonics
Spook Along with Zacherley
The Addicts Sing
Spectacular Accordions
Music for Rat Fink Lovers
Country Moog

Oh, and if you're interested in aural weirdness, go hunt down The Avalanches' "Frontier Psychiatrist." It's basically a song made out of cartoon samples--it sounds like at least some of them are from "Dexter's Laboratory." I don't know that an entire album can be sustained by something like this, but that one song is catchy and hilarious.

BATMAN BEGINS

Ah, more pictures.