APRIL FOOLS

Brace yourselves--it's beginning.

WANTED: FATHER OF THUMB-SIZED BABY

It's the post that ate two journals, a community, spawned an icon, and impugned the honor of a celebrity. And that's just within 24 hours. The funny is all in the comments, however.

OCCUPATION: GIRL

There are some Days watchers on my LJ f-list who missed yesterday's episode, and since yesterday's and today's involved the death of one, possibly two major characters and the beginning of the end of the Murdering Marlena storyline (thank the Jesus), I've posted synopses for both days in my journal.

MISSING WI STUDENT FOUND

Holy shit, they found her. CNN: "Madison police would not immediately confirm they had located Audrey Seiler, 20, but officer Chris Paulson told her friends and family that Seiler "is fine," the Minneapolis Star-Tribune reported on its Web site.

Paulson did not say where or how Seiler was found, but said police are looking for an armed suspect in connection with the disappearance, the newspaper said."

JERSEY GIRL

I would like to take this opportunity to say that my work isn't for critics, either. Particularly not the bad stuff.

FOXTROT

STUDENTS GONE WILD!

USAToday on spring break in Cancun: "‘We want to get drunk and naked — that's why we're down here [in Cancun],’ says bikini-clad Jen Sincox, 20, of Ramapo College in New Jersey. ‘This is sun and alcohol 24/7.’

"Sincox, who is among nine Ramapo College friends here from Jersey, spent $1,200 for airfare and seven days' room and board at the Grand Oasis hotel, one of dozens that cater to spring breakers. Factoring in other expenses, she figures the trip will cost $2,000. ‘We went shopping for slutty clothes before we got here,’ she says."

Wow. Anyone got any penicillin? I feel kinda infected now. Also: Is this even a real person, or just a Stephen Glass-style invented source? Because I can't even imagine someone being that obvious. "Kids these days--we want to be drunk and naked in our slutty clothes!"

KING KONG

So now Adrien Brody is going to play the male lead--"Jack Driscoll, a former World War I fighter pilot who is the love interest for archaeologist Ann Darrow... In the 1933 original, Driscoll spends much of the film trying to rescue Ann Darrow from Kong after the ape takes a liking to the beauty." (Jack Black, you will recall, is the guy who brings Kong to NY in the first place.) I know a lot of people who love Brody, but... doesn't so much do it for me in an action-adventure. I am beginning to wonder where Fran Walsh's famed fangirl-friendly casting skills have gone.

THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA

Update on that whole Scooby vs. Gollum effects thing, from the Cinefex newsletter: "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe: Variety reports that Rhythm & Hues will be the lead visual effects house on Disney's and Walden Media's C.S. Lewis children's fantasy adaptation, directed by Andrew Adamson, scheduled for release in 2005. With Bill Westenhofer and Doug Smith as visual effects supervisors, Bill Kroyer as senior animation director and Erica Burton as visual effects producer, R&H is slated to deliver approximately 700 shots. Weta Workshop and KNB EFX Group are also involved. Principal photography is due to begin in June."

I don't know how involved Weta will be, but they've contributed relatively minor FX to other movies--the mermaids in Peter Pan last year come to mind. I could totally see Weta being involved in the makeups for the White Witch's cohorts at the Stone Table, for example--there's a wonderful passage in The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe around that part that's basically a laundry list of every ghoulie imaginable. Meanwhile, we'll just have to settle for Aslan-Doo.

KING KONG

"[Jack] Black will play Carl Denham, an adventurer filmmaker who is trying to make a name for himself in 1930s New York. Robert Armstrong played the role in the 1933 original. (Jackson has said he is pretending the 1976 update does not exist.)"

Thoughts:

1. You know, with longer hair and a beard, Jack Black would make a pretty good Peter Jackson doppelganger.

2. Casting Black tells me a lot about the tone of the movie.

3. Good call on 1976, man.

HELLBOY

I'm sort of interested to see how Hellboy is received, because it seems to be made by and for the comic geek culture--and I mean this as a good thing. I mean, at least it's been made in a spirit of authenticity, rather than some movies I can think of (coughcatwomancough). So I'm interested to see a review by someone named John Hazelton in ScreenDaily--a relatively nonbiased source, in geek terms--discuss how it will appeal to the geek culture but perhaps not to the mainstream. All right. That seems intelligently considered.

And then, as I get down to the last paragraph, I see this on the sidebar directly opposite:

"SCOOBY-DOO 2: MONSTERS UNLEASHED: Raja Gosnell delivers more genuine fun in the sequel to the 2002 hit, says John Hazelton."

Sigh. Call me when you find someone with taste, all right?

EVERYTHING IS ILLUMINATED

Andrealyn over at LJ has about six pages typed up from the script. Refresher: It's to be a Liev Schreiber-directed adaptation of the Jonathan Safran Foer book, starring Elijah Wood.

THE LION, THE WITCH, AND THE WARDROBE

TORN points out something I wondered myself when I read the Coming Soon article about Rhythm & Hues winning the primary FX contract: Does this mean Weta isn't doing the effects anymore? And if not, I'd be interested to know why--it can't be because Walden Media said, "You know, we need a CGI Aslan, and given a choice between the company that did Scooby Doo versus the company that created Gollum... gotta be Scooby."

DEATHS

Something I forgot to post earlier, from USAToday: "Sir Peter Ustinov, a brilliant wit and mimic who won two Oscars for an acting career that ranged from the evil Nero in 'Quo Vadis' to the quirky Agatha Christie detective Hercule Poirot, has died. He was 82.

Ustinov, a renaissance man whose talents included writing plays, movies and novels as well as directing operas, also devoted himself to the world's children for more 30 years as a goodwill ambassador for UNICEF.

He died of heart failure Sunday night in a Genolier clinic near his home at Bursins in Swiss vineyards overlooking Lake Geneva, close friend Leon Davico, a former UNICEF spokesman, told The Associated Press. "

HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN

AHHHHHH the hippogriff thing freaks me out! (Bottom left corner thumbnail; v. large picture.)

TRAILER PARK

Two bootlegs this morning: textbook examples of trailers that are immensely effective (Spider-Man 2) or make you want to run away screaming (Catwoman).

THE X-FILES 2

Moviehole, via Coming Soon: "David Duchovny talked about a second 'X-Files' movie while he was promoting Connie and Carla. 'It's definitely happening', the actor said. 'Chris has a great idea for the new movie and I expect we'll be able to begin shooting in the next year or so.'

He hopes Mulder doesn't develop further in the sequel. 'I hope not. I was really fighting against that in the final years of the show. I think we're going to be introducing a new character in the film which will allow us to cast a major star, male or female, who will want to be part of an exciting supernatural thriller. I think the new movie will appeal to both our core fans and a broad audience. I'm very excited about it.'"

I would care, except that these people have been dead to me since season 7.

13 GOING ON 30

Now, why being 30 means wearing a negligee as a dress, I don't know.

JERSEY GIRL

When I read this in Mr. Cranky's review, I had to go double-check the IMDB, because I thought it was a joke, and a really lame one at that, punning on... what? The fact that she last played a "lesbian"? But it's true. Jennifer Lopez's character is named is Gertrude Steiney. Her NAME is GERTRUDE STEINEY. No wonder she dies in the first ten minutes--probably of embarrassment, at that.

I am totally naming my next heroine Virginia Woolfey. And there's nothing you can do to stop me. Except maybe point out how INCREDIBLY, INCREDIBLY LAME it is.

LEMONY SNICKET

Ooo, another new picture! I must say, so far everything looks very good, at least.

TROY

Coming Soon/Orlando Multimedia report that the score that Gabriel Yared (The English Patient, Cold Mountain) has done has been rejected, and that the studio has hired James Horner (Titanic, A Beautiful Mind) to redo it.

That tells me a lot about where they want to go with this movie.

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 2

This is old, and sketchy, and it's from The Sun, so I don't know whether to believe it, but... people love Johnny Depp. And isn't he friends with Keith Richards? So I could see Keith Richards getting charmed into taking a part in the sequel. One can only hope it's playing Sparrow's father.

(Failing that, you know, Mick Jagger does an awesome Richards: "Mig... youuuuu ignorannnnn slhut.")

ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST

Yahoo: "Hollywood power couple Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz have ended their relationship after three years but remain 'good friends' and are not dating anyone else, People magazine reported on Friday."

I have a feeling that we will never hear from Penelope Cruz again.

LILLY THE WONDER CAT

...has four ears (with picture). "Loedermann said the black-and-white cat with the extra set of ears was 'not a freak' but rather an energetic, loving and well-adjusted kitten. 'She is not a mutant,' Loedermann said. 'She’s just a plain and ordinary kitten.'"

"Mutant" made me suddenly imagine Lilly as an X-Cat, complete with little leather uniform.

NAUSICAÄ OF THE VALLEY OF THE WIND

AICN reports that Miyazaki's long-butchered epic will hit DVD in a two-discer dubbed by Alison Lohman and Patrick Stewart. I closed my eyes and actually heard the Hallelujah Chorus in my head, people.

GARFIELD

Vladimir also reports that the Garfield trailer is now up. I am too druggy right now to put it on the Park. Also, the pictures kind of depress me.

TRAILER PARK

Yay! Correspondent Vladimir tells me he has updated the Park with the new Harry Potter trailer.

SPIDER-MAN 3

Forgot to post this earlier this morning--Sony announced at ShoWest that SM3 will come out in May 4, 2007, while SM2 has been moved up this year from July 2 to June 30, to give it a two days' head start on the weekend.

HOLY CROW

Yahoo: "LONDON (Reuters) - Chocoholics seeking to indulge their passion this Easter will appreciate a British hotel chain's diet-busting chocolate sandwich, which boasts the added attraction of being dipped in batter and deep-fried."

I keep trying to think of something to say, but I just--can't. Deep-fried. Chocolate. Sandwich.

I DID NOT KNOW THAT

NY Post: "Robert De Niro's father, the painter Robert De Niro Sr., was the gay lover of poet Robert Duncan and is rumored to have had flings with both painter Jackson Pollock and playwright Tennessee Williams, according to a bombshell new book."

I am having the hardest time ever trying to imagine Robert De Niro having a father who was... a painter.

OKAY!

IMDB: "Lavigne Tears Into Duff Again"

"Canadian pop rebel Avril Lavigne has launched another scathing attack on teen rival Hilary Duff - just weeks after describing the adolescent actress as a 'mommy's girl'. The hitmaker, 19, criticized the 16-year-old Lizzie McGuire star after Duff said Lavigne needs to be more appreciative of her fans. When questioned about her feud with Duff, Lavigne slammed the blonde beauty for a second time on a Boston radio station last week. Lavigne scathed, 'I'm like, 'Who are you to talk about me? You should know better.' Don't talk trash with me. You can go screw yourself.' After fuming about Duff, Lavigne ripped a photo of herself down off the station wall, screaming, 'I hate that f***ing photo.' "

You know, it's a sad day when I'm reduced to taking Hilary Duff's side.

HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN

New trailer, updated website. (Flop.)

IT'S TIME TO LAY OFF THE PAINKILLERS WHEN...



Saruman? Is that you?

STAR WARS: EPISODE III

..."The Creeping Fear"? Well, as AICN points out, it is really close to April Fool's Day.

HEH

Seriously, "Heh." That's what I'm reduced to for headlines. Oh, Hydrocodone, I love you so. Salon, satire, "Commentaries rejected from 'All Things Considered'": "'If you visit my old hometown, don't expect to find the propeller factory in your Fodor's guide. You can squint at its fold-out street maps all day, but you'll never find Marty's Delicatessen or the Honey Drop dance hall. Search the index, and if you come across Strayer & Sons Piano and Organ, I owe you a steak dinner. I know what buildings I torched.' "

GOOD FOR THE GOOSE, GOOD FOR THE GANDER

Heh. Oregon has banned all marriages until they straighten this gay marriage thing out. Rock.

SHOWEST POSTERS

Ooo. Posters. Troy, Dodgeball, I Robot, The Day After Tomorrow, The Clearing. In other news, I pain. Entries today may not be the most lucid.

GENERALLY SPEAKING

Just a few things packed into one post:

I'm feeling a little worse today--really woozy and chilly-feverish. I think the puffiness is starting to kick in. Eh. However, if you'd like to contribute your own wisdom teeth story for posterity on The Definitive Wisdom Tooth Post, hit my journal and leave a comment.

The Wisdom Tooth Film Festival is not going so well. In two days, I've only been able to make it through The Missing--I watched the second half today. Damn painkillers.

However, I am also taking requests for more Heroine Addict icon ideas, to be made during the brief hours in which I am actually conscious.

Oh, and we have a new affiliate: Wenham Wonderland. And I don't know if any of my affiliate webmasters read the blog, but I would like to say thanks for all the get-well wishes people have sent over the last few days. Except for the wooziness, the teeth (or lack thereof) are coming on really well, and I'll be useful again much sooner than I expected.

VALENTI TO RETIRE

News sent in by Luiz: "Hollywood's chief lobbyist Jack Valenti, the chief executive of the Motion Picture Association of America, announced he will retire from the powerful industry group in a few months, confirming speculation he would step down."

You know Valenti's name primarily as the head of the MPAA, the movie ratings board. He may be "one of Washington's most powerful lobbyists on entertainment and media issues," "a strong champion for the industry over many years," and "a strong advocate of the movie ratings system and a defender of free speech rights," but he's also "spearheaded the film industry's battle against illegally copying movies in theaters, at home and on the Internet and re-selling the copies in black markets." He's the reason we had that no-screeners kerfluffle earlier this Oscar season, and he's the reason we can't get a workable, non-stigmatized NC-17 rating. For example: as Roger Ebert noted, "I said [The Passion of the Christ] is the most violent I have ever seen. It will probably be the most violent you have ever seen. This is not a criticism but an observation; the film is unsuitable for younger viewers, but works powerfully for those who can endure it. The MPAA's R rating is definitive proof that the organization either will never give the NC-17 rating for violence alone, or was intimidated by the subject matter. If it had been anyone other than Jesus up on that cross, I have a feeling that NC-17 would have been automatic." The NC-17
is not intrinisically a bad thing. It would simply set aside super-strong content for an appropriately adult audience, which no one on the MPAA board can seem to get through their heads. And now that Valenti's stepping down, maybe we can get someone up there who understands this.

HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE

Kate Winslet rumored for French student Fleur Delacour? She's 29, married, and has two kids--how does that even work?

SAVED FOR POSTERITY

Or at least so I'll have a permanent link for the next update. Over at the Digest feed, we have a picture of Nicole Kidman from The Interpreter, plus news of another project she wants to do with George Clooney and Naomi Watts--an adaptation of the book Other Powers: The Age of Suffrage, Spiritualism and the Scandalous Victoria Woodhull. All from the NY Post, mind you.

THE LOVE BOAT RETURNS

See, here's the thing I don't understand about these TV-show movies: a "broadly comic reinvention" is obviously created to appeal to teens and twentysomethings, the demo that has cash to blow. I mean, they want to do "a hip-hop version of the series' theme song." But the show ran from 1977-86. I was born shortly after it started, and my 18-year-old sister was born shortly before it ended. And neither of us could give a shit. Seriously, no one in this age group particularly cares about '70s TV. I mean, they mention "Starsky & Hutch, which has grossed a solid $67 million domestically in three weeks." They're lucky it did that much, and trust me, it was Stiller and Wilson who made them that money. You'd be a lot better off skewing '70s TV films to, at the very youngest, the now-thirtysomething Gen Xers, because God knows no one I know cares.

LEMONY SNICKET

Here's how much I love you guys: I'm at home gumming chocolate pudding, and I still found the strength to swipe a Newsweek from the dentist's waiting room that had the very first picture of the Lemony Snicket kids. (Baby Sunny not included at the moment.) Click the link for the full size.

NEWSTRACKER UPDATE

Almost forgot to mention the news update--last one I'll be doing before surgery tomorrow, and the rest of the week looks sketchy, so we'll see. Several goodies tonight, including script pages from Brokeback Mountain and Charlie & the Chocolate Factory, so get over there.

HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE

Filming on the fourth movie has begun. All I can see in my head is some producer running around in circles shrieking, "FILM FASTER! THEY'RE AGING BY THE MINUTE!!!"

"WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE SWEAR WORD?"

God bless Dark Horizons for posting this: "Newspaper The Guardian reports that this week saw the first airing of a new 75-second promotional spot for UK's Channel 4 in which dozens of celebs from the UK, Australia, and US shows like 'The West Wing', 'Six Feet Under', 'The Osbornes', 'The OC', 'Without a Trace' & 'Scrubs' are asked what their favourite swear word is. The result is a quick cut TV spot filled with nearly twenty utterances of f**k, whilst the dreaded 'C' word is mentioned at least six times (easily giving it the record for the highest number of expletives in a promo spot ever)."

MEAN GIRLS

Mommy, Lindsay Lohan's porn faces scare me.

VAN HELSING

God, it's like I'm in an abusive relationship with this movie--every time I get disgusted and start to walk away, it pulls me back in. (Read: new trailer up at Apple.)

HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN

Catch it early before it hits tomorrow's newsstands: USAToday has a preview of the third movie. Make sure you check out the flash gallery, which has photos of Buckbeak (not a very clear one) and Emma Thompson as Trelawney.

SKY CAPTAIN AND THE WORLD OF TOMORROW

IGN has three spiff new posters.

SEMPER OCCULTUS

You know, I finally looked at these, and... these aren't early "sketches"! These were done with Hero Machine, just like our hidden superhero staff page from 300 years ago!

Update: I was able to replicate it myself. So... no. Either someone's scamming Moviehole, or there's a studio out there who needs to hire better artists.

THE LIBERTINE

Awww, poor Johnny Depp and his new wig. You know, a nice deep-conditioning would fix that right up...

VAN HELSING

Despite my misgivings about the ending, I dig the final poster.

NOT ALL AMERICANS ARE STUPID

It's a quiz "to prove that Americans are just as intelligent as the rest of the world." In truth, I scored 18 while Vladimir scored 17.

MONKEY BUSINESS

Yahoo: "DAYTON, Tenn. - The county that was the site of the Scopes 'Monkey Trial' over the teaching of evolution is asking lawmakers to amend state law so the county can charge homosexuals with crimes against nature. The Rhea County commissioners approved the request 8-0 Tuesday. Commissioner J.C. Fugate, who introduced the measure, also asked the county attorney to find a way to enact an ordinance banning homosexuals from living in the county. 'We need to keep them out of here,' Fugate said.

The vote was denounced by Matt Nevels, president of the Chattanooga chapter of Parents, Family and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. 'That is the most farfetched idea put forth by any kind of public official,' Nevels said. 'I'm outraged.' "

It's this kind of shit that makes me ashamed to be a Southerner.

JOHN WOO'S ACTION MUSICAL

"I have dreamed about doing it for seven years," says Woo, who grew up watching musicals in cinemas in Hong Kong. "It's an American gangster movie and is about a gangster who is also a good dancer. It is not a singing movie, but there is dancing and action."

And then they said, "And he really wants Hugh Jackman to star," and suddenly, I understood exactly what he meant.

SEMPER OCCULTUS

See, I told you someone was already using this... "Daisy Scarlett"?

THE PASSION OF THE DO-IT-YOURSELFER

Maine Today.com: "A Hartland man was treated at a Pittsfield hospital after he nailed himself to a cross. The 23-year-old man apparently was trying to commit suicide Thursday evening in his living room, the Bangor Daily News reported. (...) Police said the man appeared delusional and told them he had been 'seeing pictures of God on the computer.' He told them he had not seen the hit movie 'The Passion of the Christ,' which depicts the Crucifixion of Jesus.

Lt. Pierre Boucher said the man took two pieces of wood, nailed them together in the form of a cross and placed them on the floor. He attached a suicide sign to the wood and then proceeded to nail one of his hands to the makeshift cross using a 14-penny nail and a hammer.

'When he realized that he was unable to nail his other hand to the board, he called 911,' Boucher said.

It was unclear whether the man was seeking assistance for his injury or help in nailing down his other hand."

WAR OF THE WORLDS

Well, it's official: Spielberg and Cruise are going to do it.

CONNIE AND CARLA

Holy crap, Toni Collette makes a good drag queen.

NEWSTRACKER UPDATE

There was news, and it was good.

OCCUPATION: GIRL

I'll freely admit that I tend to join "rate my [poetry/journal/whatever]" communities to meet people. It's networking. I'm also no fun to insult, because my general reaction is a completely unsarcastic "Ooo, nice burn. Mind if I write that down for later?"

I think I'm going to pass the entry review at the_reviewers, but--wow, I thought poetryslamming was rough. As for something like "I prefer a little more comic relief," apparently a lot of people didn't skim past the first 20 entries, because there's no lack of me trying to be funny. Ah, well. Here's a few of the reactions so far:

"Less updates on meals and movies, and a little more of your brain."

"The ego that seeps through the 30 or so posts I read seems to be someone who is either European or really really wants to be."

"Be mine."

"For me, though, I prefer a little more comic relief."

"Not really feeling it. Sorrysorrysorry, it's obvious that you are a competant member of the human race who has a grasp of English." (This is a bigger compliment than you may realize. We're talking about the internet, here.)

"Well-written, but dull. Has the feel of a posh English essay."

"i think that you are quite wonderful."

"I wonder if people can die of boredom?"

"I can't imagine how you received As. Though well written, it's got the excitement factor of knitting. Boring as hell. D+." Because it's the "+" that means so much. Hee.

You know, if I was a real schmoozer, I would nudge you in the direction of my oh-so-controversial journal. Or is that what I just did...?

THE FAIRWOOD FILES

Anyone take Latin around here? I'm working on my next children's literature project for workshop and I need a slogan for a secret society (don't ask, long story). I want it to be "Always Secret," and so I used the Latin dictionary (linked above), but it gave me five million words for "secret." Keep in mind that this is a book for ten-year-olds, roughly, so a Latin word that resembles an English word will probably help. I think there's a movie coming out called Semper Occultus, so I'm a little wary of that, and I can't decide if "Semper Secretus" is too obvious. Thoughts?

JERSEY GIRL

There is a very mean, very small part of me that is really, really enjoying this, because I'm not a Kevin Smith fan, and I'm really tired of hearing him whine every other week about how great this movie is but now no one will see it because of the Bennifer, and now "it will never be number one at the box office," you know, like that was going to happen anyway. (If you ARE a Kevin Smith fan, you are free to bitch at me in the comments.) Cindy Adams, NY Post:

"Remember I reported many moons ago how terminally critically majorly bad Jersey Girl was that they'd deliberately shelved it a while? Well, I did not go to its screenings because I have a weak stomach. But from a West Coast pro: 'It's so bad that in the first five minutes Jennifer Lopez dies - and you miss her!'"

WHY VOTE FOR A LESSER EVIL?

I think I've linked to this before, but it's worth repeating as election season is nigh upon us. The Great Cthulhu's political platform:

Q) What is the canidate's position on campaign finances?

A) Cthulhu accepts any donation which a citizen wishes to make. It doesn't oppose contributions from organizations, conglomerates, or conspiracies. In fact, it accepts any and all types of financial assistance or other donations. Preferably, large quantities of currency will be sent along with human brains,other donated organs, or your first born.

Q) What is the candidates stand on welfare? I think all of the bums should be eaten by mister cthulhu.

A) You are wise. You will be eaten second to last.

Q) Pornography

A) Well since that isn't actually a question, Cthulhu is taking the stance that it will not read anything, just look at the pictures.

THE DARK TOWER, BOOK 6

Hmmm. The Song of Susannah, to be released June 4. Interesting.

SECRET WINDOW

All right, I know I've read Four Past Midnight, because I read "The Sun Dog" first--the one about the Polaroid camera, right? With the dog that got closer in each picture? And I remember "The Library Policeman" pretty vividly because it freaked my shit out. Bad. (For some reason, that story, and a dream sequence in "Apt Pupil" are up there in the pantheon of Stephen King Stories That Freak Me Out the Most. That, and "It Grows on You." What the hell was that about, anyway?) And everyone knows "The Langoliers" because of that awful TV movie. But "Secret Window, Secret Garden"? I don't remember that story at all. At. All. I don't own the book--I borrowed it from my aunt--so I only read the book once, which may have something to do with it. But I even went and read the movie spoiler and I still don't remember it. Which is so weird.

VAN HELSING

I just found out the ending. It vexes me. Greatly.

(Note: what actually happens is not discussed in the entry. You would have to click the link inside to get to the spoiler review.)

REVIEW: HIDALGO

Yes, I actually saw a movie in the theater today; Peter Pan no longer stands alone as The Only Movie I Saw on the Screen in 2004.

I liked it a lot--about three stars' worth of like. I'm not saying it's a modern classic, but it was fun, and they cut the bit about "Hidalgo believes in you, but do you believe in yourself?," so I was appeased. I do agree that it's sort of a Frankenmovie of two different genres--the sheikh's-daughter-rescue and the nearly-dying-in-the-desert scenes seem to come from different movies, but I sort of like the combination. One scene was too frivolous on its own, and the other was too grim, in this case. Together it's sort of this you-got-your-chocolate-in-my-peanut-butter-and-a-good-time-was-had-by-all thing.

You want more than that? Brave the spoilers.

MORE LOST CHARACTERS

Uh... I'm not so sure about this now. Goldberry's about to hit menopause, yo.

"IAGO + FAUSTUS 4EVAH!"

For those of you who enjoyed the Elizabethan wank Parting Shot on Tuesday, I ended up making icons for the gang at JournalFen. Click for the complete set.

EPISODE III

There are some rumblings that the picture is fake, or at least below the neck it's fake, but if you want to get a look at a very, very bad day for Anakin (warning: this is probably as big a spoiler as you'll ever see for Episode III), go to the link and then click through. (See? Multiple barriers for your spoiler protection.) The first picture you'll see at the Coming Soon link is a "General Grievous" robot, but I don't think his appearance alone is all that big a deal in terms of spoilers.

(I really want to turn this into a "Today? Not a good day" icon, but I would get stabbed by Star Wars fans if I used it. And rightfully so.)

DECIPHER'S "LOST" CHARACTER CARDS

Holy crap, it's Radagast the Brown. Tom Bombadil is on the way...

TROY

Heh: "When Hector and Achilles finally fight, though, I forgot about the [bad temp] music. I forgot about the annoying wheezing guy sitting behind me, I forgot about my girlfriend, I forgot that I was ten days late on my credit card payment, I forgot my goddamn name."

WOMB RAIDER

I can't believe DVD Talk actually reviewed this. And screen-capped it.

AMERICAN OVERWORK

Coming Soon: "Nicole Kidman and Jennifer Lopez will star in American Darlings, a period drama that was bought preemptively by New Regency from a four-page pitch, says Variety. Kidman will be also executive produce.

'Darlings' is a drama about a white female swing band that joins forces with a group of black and Hispanic musicians at a time when women were ostracized from playing male-dominated clubs. Those sex barriers shattered soon after President Roosevelt declared war on Japan and the women suddenly played the hottest clubs and even squared off against the Count Basie orchestra at the Apollo Theater. "

OH MY GOD, WOMAN! TAKE A DAY OFF NOW AND THEN!

NEWSTRACKER UPDATE

And it's even up before midnight this time.

"IA IA PHTAGN!"

Holy crap what is that THING?

DEATHS

Paul Winfield (62, heart attack) and Robert Pastorelli (49, possibly drug-related).

VIGGO MORTENSEN IS NOT DEAD

TheOneRing.net (link is to original offender): "For the last couple of hours frantic LOTR fans have been reading the false rumor that Viggo Mortensen had recently perished in a car accident. TheOneRing.net can now confirm that the article in question, located here, is in fact a copy and paste job from an original article about a Wisconsin woman located here. Some people have the sickest sense of humor."

IM of Digest:

Vladimir: and TORN - apparently someone spread the rumour that The Vig had been killed

Cleolinda: whaaaaaaaaaat?
Cleolinda: I was just there, I didn't see that

Vladimir: tis on Torn. Bogus
Vladimir: latest news

Cleolinda: oh God. Well, it's official: he's famous

Vladimir Cvetkovic: heeeee

Cleolinda: the Killed in a Car Accident story is the oldest in the book

DEATHS

They didn't find Spalding Gray in time.

THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA

Well, if the IMDB's gossip page is anything to go by--and I'm not saying it is--it looks like Nicole Kidman's kids have convinced her to sign for the White Witch. It'll be interesting to see her with dark hair and that big crown, and now that it's sunk in... it's probably a good piece of casting. It's definitely a smart move marketing-wise--it'll get people who aren't familiar with the books into the theater.

I'M SAYIN'!

Cindy Adams, NY Post: "So: O.J. is hitting golf balls; Robert Blake's doing TV interviews; Enron execs are still saying; 'Who, me?' Halliburton execs are still making dinner dates; JonBenet's killers are playing 'Where's Waldo?'; Michael Jackson is playing 'Where's Waldo Junior?'; Danny Pelosi complained he'd be indicted for icing Ted Ammon but wasn't; Osama bin Laden's sharing a condo with whoever killed O.J.'s wife - but, hey, we got Martha!"

CONFESSIONS OF A TEENAGE FLIRT

Liz Smith, NY Post:

"The other day on the Paramount lot in Hollywood, Colin met Lindsay Lohan, the delicious star of 'Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen.'

He looked at her. She looked at him. They liked what they saw. (What's not to like?) They smiled and exchanged warm handshakes. Then the precocious Miss Lohan said, 'Give me a call sometime' and slipped Colin her phone number.

'I will,' said Colin, pocketing the card. Then a clang! clang! warning bell went off. 'By the way, how old are you?'

'Seventeen' she replied, trying to make it sound like 27.

Colin handed her back her card. 'Thanks, maybe in a year or so.'

And then he hot-footed it back to work."

RELICS OF THE STONE AGE

So the official LOTR site hasn't posted the DVD specs yet, but pictures of the widescreen/fullscreen covers for the basic May two-discer are up, and... dude, what's that big thick box in the back? It's not the EE, that's coming in an indigo faux-leather box like the previous two... oh my God, that's a two-tape VHS box. I am boggled by the idea of someone trying to watch LOTR on tape, particularly in the age of extras and commentaries. In fact, I'd forgotten that they actually sell VHS still. Wow. I mean, when my parents buy into the new format, VHS is dead.

INCONCEIVABLE!


It took two and a half years, but the trolls finally showed up. Via the contact form:


Name = dickhead
URL = pissof@aol.com
Submission = Pictures
Comments = i found a picture of you naked.
login = dailydigest
subject = Daily Digest Email Form
REMOTE_HOST: 194.8.54.248

"PAYING FOR EMAIL MAY BE ANTI-SPAM TACTIC"

Oh, HELL no.

THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA

Nicole Kidman?

(Shhh... I'm still processing this...)

Nicole Kidman?

NOT A GOOD THING

Martha Stewart's been convicted of all four felony charges. You know what? I like mocking Martha as much as the next girl, but... step off Martha until you've put the Enron execs away, all right?

HIDALGO

A nice burn from Salon: "If there's any threat to Arab sensibilities in 'Hidalgo,' it's this: The Muslim prohibition against ham will never stand as long as Omar Sharif is acting."

COUGH*ASSHAT*COUGH

IMDB: "Hawke Blames Marriage Break-Up on Ambition"

"Movie star Ethan Hawke has blamed ambition on the breakdown of his marriage to Uma Thurman in a new TV interview. The actor has admitted it's hard being married to 'a woman that wants to be a movie star', in a revealing chat taped for Friday's 20/20 news show in America. In the interview, Hawke insists he still feels 'beaten up' by the failure of his five-year marriage, admitting it was a tough period of his life. He says, 'It is very difficult for any couple who are married if both people are very ambitious.'"

Yes, and it's also hard to be married to A MAN WHO CHEATS ON YOU WITH CANADIAN STRIPPERS.

MORE HARRY

LJ community Deleterius--devoted to mocking bad fanfic--has more from the J.K. Rowling chat transcript. (There's a link if you want to read it for yourself.) Pearls of wisdom from Rowling in answer to some rather odd questions:

1. Voldemort has no children. Well, "Voldemort as a father... now that's not a nice thought."

2. Snape is not a vampire (WTF?).

3. Draco is an only child.

4. Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter and Remus Lupin Peter Pettigrew were in Gryffindor.

5. Draco and Hermione will not end up together (WTFWTFWTF?): "The trouble is, of course, that girls fancy Tom Felton, but Draco is NOT Tom Felton!"

God grant me the patience of J.K. Rowling, I tell you what.

"ROWLING HINTS ABOUT NEW BOOK, OWES HARRY APOLOGY"

Yahoo (no spoilers): "Asked what would happen if fiction became fact, Rowling said: 'I think I'd most like to spend a day with Harry. I'd take him out for a meal and apologize for everything I put him through.'

"Then she teasingly warned that even tougher times faced Potter: 'In Book Six, the wizarding world is really at war again and he has to master his own feelings to make himself useful.'

'If personally I was Harry Potter, I would hide because I know what is coming,' she said.

For all those children who know every twist and turn of the Potter plots, she had a word of warning -- when she finishes the saga with Book Seven, she will settle down and revise them all. But she promised there would be no prequels. 'You won't need them. By the time I've finished you'll have all the back story you need.'"

Heh, revision. I've said for a while now that the publishing industry (not the reader's wallet, now--the industry) could probably benefit from following the model set by DVDs.

SAVE ANGEL

The UPN would like you to know that it is not picking up Angel for the fall, despite the huge "Save Angel" campaign. So please stop sending them email. And snail mail. And death threats.

THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MIRIAM

You think American reality shows are messed up? Dark Horizons: "Check her out guys - this Mexican beauty is voluptuous, has a fondness for fine foods and has a little secret. You see she's really a man."

See, now, you can't really appreciate this story unless you go look at the picture of Miriam. Seriously. There's something a little manly about the cast of her nose/chin, now that I look at it, but really... it's not her face you'll be looking at. (Dude, I'm a straight girl and even I wasn't looking at her face.)

HIDALGO

Bad reviews may hurt your heart, but they're usually the most enjoyable:

"As we all know, Evil English Bitch is also entering a horse in the race, and plans to cheat her way to winning, because if her horse wins the race then it will become the dominant horse breeder in all of England, and produce other, smaller Horses of Mass Destruction, and she will make millions as her prize horse puts his Seabiscuit in every mare in the United Kingdom. [...]

"What follows there is a twenty-minute segment that has nothing to do with horse racing at all, and everything to do with ripping off Raiders of the Lost Ark while proving that this story has the smartest horse ever created ANYWHERE. This horse could probably do my trigonometry homework if I asked it to. I’m willing to bet this horse could have written this review, translated it into Aramaic, and then read it back to you in Polynesian if you were so inclined."

ONE TO RULE THEM ALL

If you saw that huge long FYC ad New Line did with all the characters, well, you're in luck: they've been rearranged somewhat, but you can now buy a poster version through the New Line shop. (By the way: I make no commission off this, if you're thinking that's why I'm posting it.)

THE MOTORCYCLE TV DIARIES

Entertainment Weekly: "In another warp in the celebrity reality time-space continuum, Bravo is building a reality series around Ewan McGregor, in which the 'Star Wars' star and his pal, actor Charley Boorman ('The Emerald Forest') will go globetrotting on motorcycles, visiting remote and forbidding places like Siberia. According to Television Week, the series will be called 'The Long Way Around,' a reference not only to the actors' wanderings, but also to the title of an old episode of 'ER' in which the future ''Trainspotting'' star played a convenience store robber. No air date yet for the series, which is already in production."

Dude, my sister watches the morning ER reruns on TNT religiously, and so she had gone downstairs to get more milk or something, I forget what, and I was walking through the den, and we ended up having the following conversation:

Cleo: "OMG OMG OMG GET BACK UP HERE YOU NEED TO SEE THIS!"

AD [from downstairs]: "WHAAAAAAAT?"

Cleo: "EWAN MCGREGOR IS ON ER! I DON'T KNOW! I DON'T KNOW! GET UP HERE!"

[Fifteen minutes later, sisters parked on carpet in front of TV]

Cleo: "OMG, that's Ewan McGregor."

[Thirty minutes later]

AD: "OMG, that's Ewan McGregor."

Cleo: "He's so totally going to die, isn't he?"

[Forty-five minutes later]

AD: "Shut up, man."

VIKINGS OF THE CARIBBEAN

You know... it's just not the same. Somehow, I just don't think that "But where did all the mead go?!?" is going to catch on the same way.

AWWWW

IMDB: "Actor Bill Murray shocked guests at Sunday night's Academy Awards - when he refused to clap as rival nominee Sean Penn was named Best Actor. The Lost In Translation star looked annoyed when Nicole Kidman announced Penn had won for his performance in Mystic River. According to British newspaper The Sun, Murray later shouted at organizers, 'If I knew this was going to happen, I wouldn't have bothered coming.' The 53-year-old comedian has made no secret of his dislike of award ceremonies, and didn't show up to collect the Best Actor award at London's BAFTAs last month. Murray has said, 'Awards are meaningless to me, and I have nothing but disdain for anyone who actively campaigns to get one. It's a really unattractive sight to see an actor or actress who really wants an Oscar. And you often see it on the show - you see their faces and the desperation is so ugly.' "

What is it with these actors being so resentful about having to play the game? You want the shiny, you play the game. It's a fact of life, man.

NEWSTRACKER UPDATE

News. S'up.

MRRRROW!

EMPIRE ONLINE: Charlize Theron criticized you recently for becoming a Bond girl after taking the Oscar. She said, "Note to self: Do not become Halle Berry."

BERRY: I don’t think she could become me if she tried!


I like Charlize Theron and all, but... that's awesome.

VIRUS ALERT

Just got a couple of emails from TheForce.net--I'm on their newsletter mailing list (but then, I'm on everyone's), and apparently "someone's infected PC (not a TF.N Staffer) got lucky and sent a forged email with an infected zip attachment as [Anthony Baratta, the webmaster] to the mailing list. For some reason the Server didn't validate the from IP address correctly and let it in." Baratta adds, "We've locked the mailing list down further so it should not happen again."

I didn't open the zip attachment, but downloaded a removal program from F-Secure just to be safe. If you've opened the faux email, you might want to do the same. Read more about the MyDoom virus, whose deadline seems to have expired, at Snopes.

OSCAR POOL

While I'm tabulating the individual winner(s) of the pool, take a look at the pool statistics as a whole. I missed four, as did the pool as a whole--interestingly, we didn't miss the same four, although (almost) everyone was blindsided by "Harvie Krumpet." Total percent correct: 83.333%. (I have to brag here for a minute and say that even the Oscar Watch editor only got 18/24. Go pool!) The pool also predicted a clean ROTK sweep, which I didn't. Perhaps I should pay more attention next year...

PHANTOM OF THE OPERA

Phantom Movie has scanned a new Variety ad congratulating Schumacher on completing principal photography. More importantly, you get a nice shot of Christine and the Phantom in a boat under the opera house. Unfortunately, I can no longer look at Emmy Rossum without hearing "“IS THAT MY DAUUUGGGhHHAAAHAHAHAHGHTAHHHH IN THEEEEEERRRRRRE????” in my head.

GET THE CHLORINE!

More IMDB: "Hilton Makes a Splash at the Oscars"

"Hotel heiress Paris Hilton embarrassed herself spectacularly on Saturday when she gatecrashed a pre-Oscar bash and fell into a pool. The reality TV star waltzed into the Lord Of The Rings pre-Academy Awards dinner at New Line Cinema boss Bob Shaye's hilltop estate in Beverly Hills, California. Hilton screamed, 'Oh my God,' as she splashed into a Japanese pool carpeted in rose blossoms. After climbing out of the pond, Hilton lamented, 'God, I didn't see the pool. Why does he have a pool there? At least I didn't go in the big pool.' The sexy socialite - who hit the headlines last year when a video tape of her having sex with former beau Rick Solomon surfaced on the internet - managed to avoid damaging her glitzy outfit, although she did get her Louis Vuitton shoes wet. She was then overheard telling her sister Nicky on the phone, 'Guess what? I just fell into a little pond! It's soooo embarrassing.' A bemused Shaye was more baffled by Hilton's attendance, saying, 'She wasn't even invited.' "

The Sun adds that Peter Jackson and Andy Serkis were the primary witnesses to the incident.

WHOA

IMDB: "Johansson and Del Toro an Item?"

"Unlikely couple Scarlett Johansson and Benicio Del Toro were so smitten with each other at a pre-Oscars party, they didn't care about being spotted 'with their arms all over each other'. Latin star Del Toro - who was nominated for a Best Supporting Actor Academy Award at Sunday's ceremony - spent Saturday night canoodling with the 19-year-old actress before the pair retired to the Chateau Marmont hotel in Los Angeles at 3.30am. Guests at the legendary hotel on Sunset Strip were stunned when the playful pair walked in, because they were making no attempts to cover up their intimate behavior. A spy says, 'They didn't care who saw them. They walked through the hotel lobby where there were quite a few people hanging about and didn't seem at all embarrassed to be spotted with their arms all over each other. It was quite extraordinary. She looks so young and he could easily pass for her dad. They then got into a lift together.' "

SEED OF CHUCKY

Coming Soon: "Creature Corner has confirmed that Billy Boyd, who played Pippin in The Lord of the Rings trilogy and also starred in Master and Commander, will reteam with his The Two Towers star Brad Dourif in voicing Seed of Chucky for Focus Features.

Dourif returns as the voice of Chucky and Jennifer Tilly will lend her voice again for Tiffany. In the new film, Chucky and his bride have a new addition to the family, and Boyd will voice this 'child.' John Waters is expected to have a small role as well."

Seriously, sit and imagine this for a second. Try to hear it in your head. I tried, and then my brain exploded.

FAMETRACKER GALAXY OF FAME: SPECIAL OSCAR EDITION

"Hi, I'm Peter Jackson. [...] But thank you for finally rewarding me. In fact, maybe you went a bit overboard. Even I never expected this film to win every single prize it was nominated for. Hell, after the show ended, the Finding Nemo guy gave me his Oscar and then bowed in supplication. The ushers were still handing me Oscars on my way out the door. And when I got out to the parking lot, I found two more Oscars stuck under the windshield wiper of my car.'"

COULD IT BE...SATAN?

CNN: "The number 666, which many Christians recognize as the 'mark of the beast,' is appearing on movie tickets for Gibson's film at a Georgia theater, drawing complaints from some moviegoers.

The machine that prints tickets assigned the number 666 as a prefix on all the tickets for the film, said Gary Smith, owner of the Movies at Berry Square in northwest Georgia. The 666 begins a series of numbers that are listed below the name of the movie, the date, time and price.

'It's from our computer and it's absolutely a coincidence,' Smith said. 'It has nothing to do with the film company or any vendor. It's completely in our computer.' "

OSCAR AFTERMATH

So. Despite an unfortunate internet outage through the second half of the show, I managed to finish recapping (but wasn't able to mod the tagboard very well). I ended up typing for about eleven hours straight. I am completely exhausted right now. As for the pool, I started tabulating scores--after I did a basic count, I eliminated everyone who got less than 20/24. The ones that are left--I'm not sure if anyone got higher than 21 or 22--are the ones I'm going to grade more carefully. (In fact, I think we may end up with a tie.)

I'll probably write up a more show-centric musing later in my journal, but for now, I have stories to critique for workshop and sleep to be slept.