THE LAST SAMURAI

The flash site has been revamped and the front page is adapted from a new poster. Tom is still tiny and toothy. Some things never change.

ULTIMATE '80s MUSIC CHALLENGE

...or at least it felt like the ultimate to me. Damn, it was hard. I had to sing half of them out loud just to remember the words. However, in the end, I prevailed.

(If you take the quiz, tell them who sent you--you'll get a bonus.)

"GET SCARED NOW! ASK ME HOW!"

Yay! The Homestar Runner Halloween cartoon is up!

I HAVE A LIVEJOURNAL!

A LiveJournal I have! LiveJournal LiveJournal LiveJournal!

I have no idea why this makes me so giddy, except perhaps because now I have little hamster mood icons and can clientele with tons of people based on mutual interests. (Which is so weird--online, I'm the Schmooze Queen. In real life, I have been mistaken for living art installations at parties.)

Here's my question: What in the hell am I going to do with the Easyjournal now? Because the layout template's sort of fun in a '50s hipster way, and I've got a few good entries over there, and... I don't know what to do!

PRISONER OF AZKABAN TRAILER

Dammit, I am not going to see this godforsaken Looney Tunes movie--I don't care how much Harry Potter you throw in front of it.

THE MYSTERIES OF HARRIS BURDICK

Friend of Digest Clifton and I were talking about this book the other day before workshop--had I ever seen, he wanted to know, a Chris Van Allsburg book full of really weird pictures, no story, just pictures, and Stephen King wrote a story about one of them? HAD I? I said. HAD I? That was one of my most favoritest books of ever, I said; I bought my own copy after my fourth grade teacher showed us the pictures and had us write our own stories. And I still have it, very safely tucked away. I cannot recommend this book highly enough; you can see the pictures at the link above (click each thumbnail to read the bizarro caption for each image).

"LOVESICK WEREWOLVES CAUSING PROBLEMS IN TRANSYLVANIA"

Ah, the Weekly World News: " 'Usually werewolves confine their courting to the night of the full moon,' says veterinarian Dr. Anton Honthorst. 'But the remarkable closeness of the red planet Mars is confusing the creatures.'

'The howling goes on all night long,' [an innkeeper] complains. 'Scores of werewolves come down from the mountains and into the shadowed ravines and canyons among the hills, seeking females. Mars is driving them crazy.'

Dr. Honthorst and other experts say it won't be long until American werewolves start reacting in the same way. ....If all the creatures did was howl there wouldn't be all that much cause for alarm, says Dr. Honthorst. But the light from Mars that's got them on the prowl for sex night after night instead of just once a month has also stimulated their appetite. 'Under normal circumstances, werewolves feed on chickens, dogs and cats, and only occasionally on a slow-moving child or senior citizen,' says the expert. 'But these days they're hungrier -- and that puts people from all walks of life in real peril.'

[Says the FBI,] 'We're just hoping they won't react as strongly [to Mars] as what we've been seeing in Transylvania. Americans are fighting a war against terror. We need a werewolf outbreak like we need a hole in the head.' "

SCHOOLGIRL BEATDOWN

Philly.com (via Fark): "A man who had been flashing his private parts to girls at St. Maria Goretti High School got more than he bargained for yesterday when he got his comeuppance and landed in the hospital, police said.

Three former victims recognized the suspect - who had been preying on the girls since Sept. 14 - and chased him down. About 20 Goretti students soon followed and they managed to wrestle him to the ground until Philly cops arrived, police spokesman William Colarulo said last night."

FYI: St. Maria Goretti died protecting her virginity. Also: do any girls with the name Yubari attend this school? Just curious.

BANG

KABC-TV Los Angeles: "VAN NUYS — An attorney has been shot repeatedly in the head outside the Van Nuys courthouse where Robert Blake's case is being heard. The shooter is quoted as saying, 'You took my money. That's what you get.' One man is in custody.

Outside the courthouse as the [Robert Blake] hearing was under way, the person who shot an attorney was taken into custody and the courthouse was locked down. It was unclear whether the shooting was related to the case." (Link from Fark.)

VICTORIAN HALLOWEEN

I just have to brag that Miss Mary made this linking graphic just for the Black Ribbon site. Which... has not been updated today. (Hush! I'm working on it!)

GOOGLEWEEN

Awww! (Thanks, Pop Culture Junk Mail.)

HELLBOY

...has an updated flash site up, just in time for Halloween.

PASSIONS UPDATE

Just when I thought things couldn't get any more awesome, Luis and Charlie end up in a roadblock standoff, leading to the following exchange:

LUIS: Just! Put! The gun! Down!

CHARLIE: You'll never take me alive, coppah! Never!

HAPPY JACKSONWEEN

Vladimir: happy Jacksonween!

Cleolinda: happy what?

Vladimir: happy Jacksonween!

Cleolinda: happy who?

Vladimir: didn't you see on TORN? It's Peter Jackson's birthday!

Cleolinda: oh... really? Wow. That explains so much.

EVEN CHEAPER HALLOWEEN COSTUMES

Cleolinda: I'm already in costume

Vladimir: you are?

Cleolinda: I am! I'm dressed as a covert CIA operative. Shhhhh!

Vladimir: ooooooooooo
Vladimir: with red hair?
[Vladimir has just started watching "Alias," season one, on DVD.]

Cleolinda: nah

Vladimir: how then?

Cleolinda: well, see, I'm undercover

Vladimir: AS WHAT?

Cleolinda: as a graduate student!

Vladimir: heeeeeee

ARROWED!

Apparently someone has stumbled across my old Eye of the Beholder review and quite disagreed with it:

** Obviously "Cleolinda," the reviewer of "Eye of the Beholder" has little knowledge either of sociopathology or of how a sociopath functions. Neither does "Cleolinda" seem to have an inkling of understanding how a man who is hurting psychologically can be grasped by the sublime to the point of wanting to break all the rules of "what is good" to save another person.

["I" understand that the book does a really good job of showing this. "My" point in the review is that the movie "does not." Do "I" have to have a "degree" in abnormal psychology to "understand" how a character in a movie "functions"?]

"Cleolinda" says "she" was distracted during the scene when Joanna Eris commits the first crime that "the Eye" sees. No wonder "Cleolina's" animosity for "Eye of the Beholder" is so obvious; "she" says the plastic might have been intended for "messy sex"! Did "Cleolinda" see how the plastic was actually used in the following scenes?

[Of course "I" did. But what did the guy, who had no idea he was about to get killed, think the plastic was there for? That was "my" point.]

How would "Cleolina" say "Merry Christmas" to anyone who had abandoned "her" before "she" had reached puberty? **

[Well, theoretically, "I" would wait until it was Christmas to say so, for starters. "I" would also spell "my" name correctly. But then, "I" know nothing about sociopathology, either.]


ETA: In the interest of equal time for differing opinions, I've asked Cedar to write a full review for us, which he says ought to be finished in the next couple of weeks.

GRAMMAR PATROL

Salon's TV column: "The premiere of '24' (Fox) began with a biological bang on Tuesday night when an infected corpse showed up unannounced, sending Jack and company back into the throws of another Very Bad Day." Oh, honey. "The throws"?


P.S. Dear Heather Havrilesky:

Please cool it with the 5000 mentions of "the Southland!" and "Hippie Wrongstockings." You're trying too hard. Go take a look at how Miss Alli does the Survivor recaps for TWOP.

Love, Cleo.

"DID BONNIE FULLER REALLY BETRAY WOMEN?"

I cannot believe that the Fuller-helmed Globe printed a picture of the Kobe Bryant accuser on its front page yesterday--a picture of the woman lifting her skirt to show a garter--but it did, and Salon has the picture (with face and name obscured):

"I think it's one thing to show a face, and we can all debate that for a really long time," said Lucky editor in chief Kim France, trailing off momentarily. "Personally I'm against it, but I think it's a valid debate. But taking a photograph of a girl at her prom, having fun with her femininity, at a moment when everybody's allowed to feel free and sexual, and using it with the headline 'Did she really say no?' in the context of a rape case? I think that's horrifying."

NEWSTRACKER

S'up. [Sneeze!]

THE PANT-AM MENACE

Hee. "It may prove difficult to secure your pants."

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION

"...In All Categories: Kill Bill!"

BROWN BUNNY

You know, it's really hard to reach through the DSL line to slap someone while you're suppressing the urge to vomit.

BLOOD CANTICLE

Man, I remember when I read Anne Rice's vampire books. (Ah... nostalgia.) One line leapt out at me in the Cinescape article, though: "Unlike the majority of Rice's vampire novels, BLOOD CANTICLE is written first-person and from the perspective of Lestat himself." Uh... you mean, as opposed to The Vampire Lestat, Queen of the Damned, The Body Thief, Memnoch the Devil... Am I crazy, or did I just read alternate-universe, first-person Lestat-narrative versions of those books?

BATMAN

AICN has some casting rumors and... let me put it this way, I actually blurted "Whaaaaaaaaaaat?" out loud. I mean, Morgan Freeman for a villain, sure (poor guy--I bet he still has his Dreamcatcher eyebrows somewhere. He could bring those). But Anthony Hopkins as Alfred? Alfred? Number one, doesn't he have better things to do? (Oh, wait... I love him to death, but actually, he usually doesn't.) Number two: if they don't use that guy, you know, that guy who IS Alfred, I will boycott this movie. He's Alfred, come on! Accept no substitutes!

'TWAS BRILLIG

Yay! A new Halloween Weebl & Bob!

DAILY DECIPHER DOSE

Today's (and yesterday's) cards: "Nasty," "Never" (nice Gollum images in those two), and "Isengard Ruined."

COMING SOON

Whoa, Coming Soon totally changed its layout. I think... I like it...?

CHICAGO

You too can have your very own Roxie and Velma dolls, courtesy Robert Tonner. As a doll connoisseur myself... I would have liked to see what Ashton Drake or Franklin Mint would have done with the Chicago license, let's put it that way.

VICTORIAN SEX CRY GENERATOR

I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I don't care, because it's worth mentioning again:

"I melt! I die!"
"Strike me sharply, Emil, afore I think you effeminate!"
"Quickly, my love! These bonds excite me to a fever's pitch but I fear me that the Lady will soon be wanting her petticoats back!"

SPIDER-MAN 2

The official site has the new sequel poster. I will say, Spider-Man has been putting out great posters.

TRAILER PARK

New at the Park: Paycheck, Return of the King featurettes, Bad Santa, Alien vs. Predator (teaser and featurette), The Missing, Peter Pan (trailer 2), and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (now in Quicktime).

THE 100 SCARIEST MOVIE MOMENTS

And Retro Crush has finished off the list. Does anyone else feel a little cheated by multiple moments from a single movie? Several times?

FUNNIEST CRACKER NAME EVER

"Stoned Wheat Thins."

PASSIONS UPDATE

I think we have officially just had the most awesome episode ever. Not only do Julian and T.C. get in a fight over Eve on Julian's private jet (which they are on to go see their daughter Whitney, who was shot by Chad's ghettolicious still-wife LaToya, in LA), but a door gets pushed open (!), the plane starts to crash (!!), and EVE GETS SUCKED OVERBOARD.

Meanwhile, Ethan and Fox turn their quest to save Chad (who is confronting still-wife LaToya) from Puff Dog's "crib" into a perfectly good opportunity to needle each other about Gwen and Theresa. And then, while our heroes are arguing over women (an exchange that is markedly less interesting now that they are no longer wandering shirtless around the hospital), Chad finds himself on the losing end of Puff Dog's "piece," and we have the following exchange:

ETHAN: We gotta get in there and do something!

FOX [dripping sarcasm]: Well, sorry, I kinda forgot my Batman cape.

On the previews for tomorrow: Everyone clings for dear life on the plunging jet, shouting Eve's name all the while even though she has clearly been SUCKED OVERBOARD. Back at the hospital, Gwen clocks Theresa with a bedpan before an obviously terrified Whitney, which is just new kinds of awesome. And Luis apparently catches up with Extremely Butch Kidnapper Charlie, who knocks him off a catwalk into a large pile of (empty) boxes. Dun-dun-DUN! Could Luis be dead? Well, obviously not, but it would be pretty awesome if he were.

SET PICTURES

Coming Soon has several different set pics up--Leonardo DiCaprio and Cate Blanchett in The Aviator, Johnny Depp in Secret Window, Renée Zellweger in Bridget Jones 2, and Keanu Reeves and Rachel Weisz in Constantine.

LORD OF THE RINGS: RETURN OF THE KING

I don't know if this is a secondary poster design, because it's not like the CD cover, but... here it is.

UGHHHH...

I don't feel so good. (Cough.) Sore throat. I'll probably be online on and off today, but... if I disappear, you'll know where I am.

WHICH ONE OF THESE IS NOT LIKE THE OTHER?

USAToday: "Jurors weighing the corruption case against ex-Tyco International CEO L. Dennis Kozlowski saw a video Tuesday of his wife's $2 million birthday bash in Sardinia, Italy — complete with toga-clad women, half-nude male models and Jimmy Buffett."

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN

Huh. Looks like Orlando Bloom has got the lead after all (he was the first name put out there, then scratched and replaced in the rumor mill with Paul Bettany). This is Ridley Scott's Crusades epic, by the way.

THE ISLAND OF BROKEN TOYS

The attribution of the quote under the header made my day. I don't know why. It just did.

"WHAT MORE CAN I GIVE (TO THE CHURCH OF $CIENTOLOGY)?"

IMDB: "Jackson Accused of Diverting Cash"

"Pop superstar Michael Jackson has been accused of diverting cash intended for the victims of September 11 to the Church of Scientology. The singer recorded 'What More Can I Give?' after the terrorist atrocities with a list of high-profile names, including Beyonce Knowles, Mariah Carey and Ricky Martin, and all profits were meant to go to the families of victims. However, according to Britain's Daily Mirror newspaper, Jackson has donated cash raised from the single - which was launched on the internet on Monday - to an organization called The Hollywood Education And Literacy Project (HELP). The group are associated with the controversial Church of Scientology, which has been attacked by religious leaders for alienating followers from their families. Celebrity columnist Roger Friedman says, ''What More Can I Give?' will be collecting money for causes many stars may not have intended.' "

Can you imagine Michael Jackson walking into a room full of people who believe that mankind is descended from clams? That's just too much crazy per square foot, if you ask me.

MORE STRANGE WEB SEARCHES

...that resulted in a link to this blog:

"Where does Paul Walker get his hair cut"
"joanie cunningham wardrobe"
"high res hammer tools clip art"
"teens in short skirts gallery" (oh dear)
"Download Katie Holmes Sex Scenes" (are there any?)
"Memory of the Running by Ron McLarty" (not weird per se--just weird that it led someone here)
"ben affleck georgia goatee"

MOODOO

A new Weebl & Bob, yay!

TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE: THE MOVIE

Ooo, a new X-E bad movie review, I love those... wait, Julianne Moore was in this?

"LIKE THE BASTARD CHILD OF VALERIE SOLANAS AND MEL BROOKS"

Salon: "The writer, director and costar of one of the most amusing plays currently running in New York doesn't want his name published. The address of the theater where his show is running is a secret, too. To get there, you must stand on a street corner in DUMBO, a rapidly gentrifying industrial neighborhood in downtown Brooklyn, and wait for an operative to tell you which way to walk. Soon, you'll be intercepted by another agent, who will jog you down the street and quickly usher you into a nondescript doorway, telling you to take the elevator to the 10th floor.

At 8 p.m., once everyone has been shown in, a man in a suit, a ski mask and a comic German accent welcomes you to 'I'm Going to Kill the President,' a madcap farce about terrorism and apathy in John Ashcroft's America whose performance may or may not be a federal offense."

And while that's exciting and all, what you really need to do is read the plot synopsis on page 2, which involves, among other things, "a feral green sleeping bag" and "a free-love utopia acted out with cardboard puppets." I want to see this play. So. Bad.

THE ALAMO

...has been postponed until April "at the request of the filmmakers, who felt they needed additional time to complete this great movie." The interesting thing here is that I've read two bad/mediocre reviews so far, which could have a lot to do with it (and bravo, really, to the filmmakers for holding the movie until they can fix things). But given that this is 1) a short Oscar season 2) and a forced break from traditional campaigns 3) in a year that already seems dominated by a few carefully-hyped epics (ROTK, Cold Mountain, Last Samurai), this seems like an extremely well-advised move to the 2004/2005 Oscar season. But this also means that we've got one epic fewer to deal with this season. The plot thickens.

BEFORE YOU DIE, YOU SEE...

Oh God, I had a bit of a lie-down because I felt like a bad cold was coming on, and I just had the worst Samara-related dream. The worst part was that it didn't have the logic of The Ring--don't wanna die? Don't watch videos--but instead seemed to be some sort of whodunit, except I don't even know who dun what, just that Samara was attacking whoever she seemed to think had dun it at the time, and it had something to do with "Kate's" journal and a box of chocolates, and I knew if I got hold of them I'd be able to figure out what was going on, but I was afraid because whoever had them got attacked, and Woody Allen and Hugh Jackman were in there for some reason but were totally unhelpful, and then I had my own journal and Samara mistook it for Kate's journal and she was coming to get me and then I woke up. And got out of bed and stepped on an unmarked videotape lying by my bed. AHHHHHHHHH!

TROY

Ooooo! Pretty pretty poster!

DAILY DECIPHER DOSE

Today's cards: "Citadel to Gate" and "Gollum, Plotting Deceiver."

SIR, I DO NOT RECALL

CNN: "Pressed by prosecutors, New York real estate heir Robert Durst testified Monday that he could not remember specifics of how he cut up the body of a neighbor he is accused of murdering. The millionaire said he did not know how long it took or what part of Morris Black's body he cut first. Durst said he used two saws and an ax that belonged to Black after drinking a fifth of Jack Daniels.

'You were drunk while cutting up Morris Black?' prosecutor Kurt Sistrunk asked.

'I hope so, yes, sir,' Durst responded."

TRAILER PARK

New at the Park: 50 First Dates; The Butterfly Effect; find out where the Troy trailer will be playing; we get two new Park rangers.

"LORD OF THE RINGS NAKED"

Eric has already started following my advice on how to get more traffic to his blog.

"STRIPPING'S NEW SIDE"

Blah blah blah more women go to strip clubs, blah blah blah more acceptable, pop culture saturation, blah. But then you hit this at the end of the USAToday article: "Though [writer/former stripper Lily] Burana says stripping 'has been added as a cultural spice,' she is not sure strippers are truly dancing into the public's embrace. 'I'll believe it when a soccer mom turns to me and says, "Tiffany decided to turn down Yale and go to work at Scores." ' "

HAVE A REFRESHING GLASS OF PIMP JUICE

USAToday: "Pimp Juice spokeswoman Juliette Harris says a million cans have sold at wholesale since its August rollout, but the name also has sparked a national boycott campaign by a coalition of black consumer activists.

'What's next? Sambo ham sandwiches and Ku Klux Klan juice?' says the Rev. Paul Scott, a campaign leader and head of the Messianic Afrikan Nation in Durham, N.C. 'The term "pimp" is a derogatory term. And I don't think any parent wants their kid to go to school with Pimp Juice in their lunchboxes. He has a youthful following. You have a lot of eighth-grade kids ... who will think "to be a cool pimp like Nelly, I have to mix my energy drink with vodka." ' "

T'AIN'T YOUR MAMA'S MONET

Reuters: "The Turner enhanced its reputation as one of the world's most controversial art prizes Tuesday -- this year's favorite displays a graphic depiction of oral sex. The brothers Jake and Dinos Chapman, who firmly believe that nothing succeeds like excess, were installed as 6-4 favorites to win the $33,870 prize, which is annually assailed by enraged critics as a national joke. The bad boys of BritArt grabbed all the attention with 'Death,' described in the catalog as 'a life-size bronze cast of two inflatable sex dolls engaged in fellatio.'

Photographers at Tuesday's media launch had difficulty finding a tasteful angle to illustrate the exhibit, which this year carried a health warning -- 'This is not recommended for children under 16.'
A close second in both the betting and the shock tactics battle is transvestite potter Grayson Perry whose elegantly painted vases have truly shocking subjects, like 'We've Found the Body of Your Child, 2000.'

[...] In 1998, Chris Ofili won with a Virgin Mary made of elephant dung. In 1995, Damien Hirst won with a pickled sheep, while artist Tony Kaye once tried to submit a homeless steel worker as his entry."

NEWSTRACKER

(Flop.)

BRIDGET JONES 2: THE EDGE OF REASON

Hugh Grant and Colin Firth are pulling each other's hair! Yay!

THE 100 SCARIEST MOVIE MOMENTS

Number 19: "Boatride to Hell" in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Can I get an amen?

THROUGH THE WATERS AND THE... ZZZZ...

Before I even tell you what I'm about to say, I'm going to frontload this with a ton of qualifiers and apologies. To wit: I really like Yeats' poetry now, thanks to this class. We're on Seamus Heaney now. I like Seamus Heaney. I love the professor, whom I have had before. It is not a hard class. I am doing well in it. There is nothing unpleasant about this class that I can actually put my finger on.

The truth, however, is that this class is sapping my will to live. I don't know why. Maybe it's the time slot (7 - 9:30 pm) coupled with the lecture, not discussion, format. Maybe it's my professor's voice--just the slightest glimmer of an expatriate brogue. Maybe I'm just no good on Mondays. Maybe it's because it's autumn and it gets dark early and... zzzzzz. All I know is, Monday evening rolls around, and it's the nicest, easiest class I've ever had, and it's still like, Oh God, it's time again. All I want to do now is go to bed, so I'm really struggling with the will (or lack thereof) to update the news. Fnarr.

DAILY DECIPHER DOSE

Today's cards: "Aragorn, Captain of Gondor" and "Osgiliath Crossing."

ROTK WALLPAPER

Well, the official site folks have taken care of your Shelob And/Or Witch King Wallpaper needs. Pardon me while I go shudder over here in this corner.

LEMONY SNICKET

Finally, we have some more movement on the movie adaptation. Jennifer Coolidge has joined up to play... who? Coming Soon doesn't say (not Aunt Josephine, because that's Meryl Streep--so wait, who's Justice Strauss? So confusing). Emily Browning has also been added to play Violet; Jim Carrey, of course, is still Count Olaf. Filming will begin next month.

SLEEPING BEAUTY: SPECIAL EDITION

I've just finished watching the latest Disney DVD/restoration, and while I was watching this (surprisingly short) movie, I realized... I had never actually seen it all the way through before. (Or if I had, I was really, really young and didn't remember much.) And Aurora is one of my favorite Disney characters. I had this big thick red Disney book with quick adaptations of several movies and lots of big, beautiful illustrations. Of course, now I'm realizing that a lot of the Sleeping Beauty artwork was not actually in the movie. It looks exactly the same in tone and style, probably the work of the same artists, but--damn, her bed was huge in that book! I'll have to scan a few pictures for y'all, because they're gorgeous, and the book is falling apart after twenty years anyway.

I realized that, and the fact that I am totally the fat little blue fairy, Merryweather--the one who's always scrunching up her nose or suggesting they just cut to the chase and use magic or trying to lay a beatdown on someone.

I also took the little interactive quiz on the second disc, which tells you which Disney Princess you are (have you noticed that "Disney Princesses" is totally a line of merchandise now?). I was Belle. In fact, I'm pretty sure most people turn out to be Belle, because Belle is awesome. She's pretty and kind and has a good singing voice (!) like all the other princesses. And then on top of that she's bookish and smart and independent and brave and outspoken. I am pretty sure no one goes through that quiz thinking, "Oh, please let me be the squeaky one who passes out a lot."

COME OUT WITH YOUR DISCS UP!

I just conducted a raid on AngelDust's room, and you know what I found in her DVD stack? MY copies of The Ring, Moulin Rouge, American Beauty, Sleepy Hollow, and Down with Love. Bastage.

VICTORIAN HALLOWEEN

I hate that I just came across this site yesterday, but we've got a few days until Halloween yet. If you dig the Black Ribbon aesthetic, you'll like this. Features: Victorian epitaphs, Madame Lenormand's fortune-telling, and Victorian Halloween fashions.

BEEVES.

I kept meaning to post this, because it is awesome. My workshop had to attend one of the university's visiting writer readings, and it was a poem named Jonah Winter. Let me put it this way: if you're sick of whiny narcissistic confessional poetry, Winter is the man for you. Herewith, an excerpt from my favorite of the poems he read:

SESTINA: A COWBOY'S DIARY

May 14: Another miserable night. Rain
fell. Wind blew. Was on my horse the whole night.
Cattle left us. Not one beefe
to be seen. May 15: Hunt beeves
is the word. May 16: 195 beeves
recovered 14 miles from camp. Beeves

well near starved. May 18th: Indians came & tried to take our beeves.
Would not let them. May 19th: Scarfed jerky in rain.
May 22: Wind & rain & lightning: 200 beeves
got away. Was on my horse the whole night.
May 23rd: had to cross a river with beeves.
Was attacked by a beefe.

....
Therapist says: Lay off the beeves.
Gave me a great book called "Men Who Love Beeves
Too Much." Very insightful. It makes a good point about how a beefe
don't care about me, and yet I give and give. June 3rd: Rain.


You can get the rest of the poem in his collection at Amazon--and yes, I'm being stingy with the poem because poets need all the money they can get.

THE SIMPLE LIFE

I am absolutely going to have to watch this show. Salon:

But then [Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie] flatly refuse to help the poor grandmother pluck chickens for dinner. When they're instead given $50 and instructed to do the grocery shopping for the family, they sulk around the store looking for the stuff on the list. When the bill comes to $65, the girls simply hand the cashier 50 bucks.

Cashier: Is this all you have?

Nicole: Yeah. Can we just have it?

Cashier: No, you can't just have it! This is not a soup kitchen.

By the time the girls get out to the car, they're angry.

Nicole: He wouldn't just give it to us!

Paris: He was like, 'This isn't a soup kitchen.'

Nicole: I know! What does that mean, 'soup kitchen'?

TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES

Goddammit, Hotmail ate my inbox again! Seriously, they can't warn me about this shit before they do it? Anyway. If you've written me and haven't gotten a reply, you'll need to write me again, and thanks in advance for your patience.

...SAYS YOU, LADY CLOUD THORNSILVER

Looking for a suitably pretentious Craft/Wicca name for yourself? Lady Pixie Moondrip will put you on the right track: "Subtlety should be avoided; nobody will catch something like 'Lord Elrandir' unless they know Tolkien inside and out. Try something more like 'Lord Celeborn Pointears the Real Live Elf'.... [I]t's becoming hard for white middle-class Americans to get that rush of self-righteous gratification that comes from pretending to be members of a persecuted minority; we may not be able to get burned at the stake by calling ourselves silly names, but at least we can get laughed at, and that's something." Preach it, sister.

MOVIES YOU TRY TO WATCH TO GET IN THE HALLOWEEN MOOD

HEY! I do believe they have just perpetrated a bait and switch on me! At 8:40, Robert Osbourne's all like, "Next up, a Peter Cushing movie about vampires." (You know, like, thanks for narrowing it down there, pal.) At 9:05, he's all like, "This next film was one of Joan Fontaine's final films..." WHAT? Unless Fontaine is helping fight Chinese kung-fu vampires--and I cannot express to you the height of my doubt on this one--I demand an explanation.

ETA: Oh, God, middle-aged British people having badly-choreographed Satanic sabbath/orgies in the '60s... This was not the explanation I was hoping for. You haven't lived until you've seen Joan Fontaine try to break up a virgin sacrifice--and you may not want to live afterwards.

COLLATERAL

Oh God, now Tom Cruise is blond, too!

MOVIES YOU WATCH TO GET IN THE HALLOWEEN MOOD

The Devil's Bride, aka The Devil Rides Out. Hmm. Robert Osbourne informs us that this is actually one of the "most well-liked of the Hammer films," which surprises me for some reason. (Oh, Robert Osbourne, I have missed you so. The new Mankiewicz kid is okay and all, but I started to worry for a while there that he was a wholesale replacement. And no one can ever replace you, because you are the most awesome movie channel host who has ever awesomed. Love, Cleo.) Maybe because I am wary of the quality of movies about Satanists (hell, The Ninth Gate will do that to you). But it has Christopher Lee, and I will watch just about anything with Christopher Lee in it, although he is not playing Dracula in this one, and is in fact playing one of perhaps five good guy roles in the history of his entire career. (I exaggerate, of course. Slightly.)

Next up after this one: Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires, with Peter Cushing fighting kung-fu vampires in China. It's just so bad I can't look away.

THE BLACK RIBBON

I feel really guilty, but I've decided to push chapter 4 back a week to next week (October 31), which means that we won't wrap it up on Halloween, which makes me sad, but you know what? It's such a relief. I was to the point where I would just mentally blank out every time I thought about the story. The fifth chapter is mostly written; it's the fourth, which has a lot of material done, that also carries the burden of making sure all the chapters link up sufficiently. So I have spent the weekend 1) catching up on my sleep and 2) catching up on things that are not Black Ribbon, and it has been lovely.

And just to give a heads up so you don't feel entirely cheated after chapter 5, this is volume one of four we're talking about here. Volume 2 is tentatively scheduled for April (pushed back from February, so I have more time to write it this time). That is to say, certain plot lines are not going to be immediately resolved. Don't say I didn't warn you.

CRIMSON RIVERS 2

Cleolinda: Wait, Christopher Lee is in this?

Vladimir: uh
Vladimir: have you seen CR 1?

Cleolinda: I fell asleep during CR1, so "yes"?

Vladimir: I totally understand you

Cleolinda: I woke up for the ending, which I then totally didn't understand

Vladimir: oh, I hoped you'd have missed it

Cleolinda: well, for all intents and purposes, I did
Cleolinda: I mean, I saw maybe 30 minutes total

Vladimir: it involves the Big Revelation: The Evil Twin Did It! and An Avalanche. At the same time.

Cleolinda: now, I saw that
Cleolinda: but I didn't have the sound on, so I was like, "Avalanche?"

Vladimir: it's all very dodgy

Cleolinda: (Wait, Johnny Hallyday is in this, too?)

MOVIES YOU WATCH TO GET IN THE HALLOWEEN MOOD

Man, I love me some Johnny, but The Ninth Gate is fifteen kinds of ass, mostly because it has one of the worst non-endings ever. Suck.

REVIEW: MATRIX REVOLUTIONS SCORE

Thank God Correspondent Vladimir is out of the reach of the RIAA and MPAA, is all I'm gonna say.

SWEET VALLEY SOB STORY

Loved the Sweet Valley books as a kid? (Sadly, I was more of a Sleepover Friends girl myself. The who in the what? Exactly.) Ever wished you could write one? Well, according to this writer, maybe you're lucky you didn't.

WHOA

All right, it's official. I just woke up from the weirdest dream ever: Mary Todd Lincoln on one side of the room discovering that Lincoln has just been shot, and Keanu Reeves offering to hang up everyone's coats on the other. Please use the "support the Digest network" link at the right to donate money towards my therapy bills.

CARNIVÀLE

So I'm watching what turns out to be episode six of twelve. It's not that I didn't want to watch the show before now (I read the recaps, after all); it's more that I'm really bad at remembering when things are on, now that I've gotten out of the habit of watching things regularly. Fortunately, I just saw a commercial for a marathon airing of the first half of the series next weekend, so maybe I can catch up. Because if there's anything better than a show about carnivals, it's a show about spooky, crazy, old-timey carnivals.

MOVIES YOU WATCH WHEN YOUR FAMILY IS WATCHING FOOTBALL

Ooo, Spellbound is on.

DON'T TELL ME, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW

Someone found this blog by searching "a funny pic of orlando bloom in a ballerina suit." Other searches that brought you weirdos here:

black berry patch trailer park
Jerry Bruckheimer september 11
KAZAA NED PRANK CALLS
live naked sex theater to watch on

TOWER OF BABBLE

Hee! This application translates anything you want back and forth through five different languages (10 translations total). It's like a written game of "Telephone."

John Bartlett's "I have gathered a posie of other men's flowers, and nothing but the thread that binds them is mine own" = "The dog posy, on the other hand a person reddens or for the lowest surfaces, of that one she does not have the harvest, but, this part of the line is he stops has, this field, of which he is fixed."

LORD OF THE RINGS: RETURN OF THE KING

More pictures! More spoilers!

NEWSTRACKER

It's up. God, I think I'm coming down with the flu or something. Brrr.

JENNIFER GARNER AS SHE-RA?

The strength of my conviction that this is a bad, bad idea is directly proportional to the amount of money I would pay to see it happen.

THE HUMAN STAIN

So I'm downstairs trying to find out why I'm hearing a rather loud, prolonged volley of fireworks in the middle of October (turns out it's Homecoming weekend for a nearby university), and while I'm walking through the den I hear a TV commercial for The Human Stain. Hilariously, it seems to be treating what book reviews mentioned in their first sentences as a deep, dark "secret."

On the other hand... did you read the book? No, me neither.

"100 SCARIEST MOVIE MOMENTS"

RetroCrush has updated the list as far as #34. Warning: There is an excellent animated gif from The Ring. Oh, and #61? Still freaks my shit out.

SUCCUBUS

Lights Out Entertainment: "Succubus [to be directed by Mark Steven Johnson] revolves around two friends. One's a hunky girl magnet, the other a bright nebbish guy who always watches his friend get the girl. The handsome guy is shocked when his buddy is propositioned by a drop-dead beauty. When his pal goes AWOL and spends every second with his new girlfriend, the handsome friend seeks out the woman to find out her intention. She reveals her identity and intentions, and the pal dutifully decides to tear down a succubus network that threatens the sanctity of male bonding."

A succubus network?

DAILY DECIPHER DOSE

Today's cards: "Clever Hobbits" and "Stronghold of Cirith Ungol." Also, the titles of all the other cards are up (careful, may be spoilers).

NAUSICAA

AICN: "Working is currently underway on the ecological epic Nausicaa, which features voice work from Patrick Stewart, Uma Thurman, and Natalie Portman. The movie was previously edited and dubbed under the title Warriors of the Wind."

I have been waiting to see the real thing ever since I saw Warriors of the Wind. And I was seven or eight years old, people. It is time to do the happy dance that we dance when we are happy.

CEREAL KILLER

Bad: having nothing better in the house to eat than cold cereal (assuming you actually want cooked food, because cereal is otherwise pretty awesome). Worse: dropping the bowl of cold cereal on the floor. Fortunately, the Dogs of Digest decided to pitch in and help me clean up.

DAMMIT

Just a technical difficulties announcement--any of y'all who use Blogger will know that you can write an entry and then choose which blog, if you have more than one, to post it to. They're listed alphabetically, hence, on my list, "Cate Blanchett News" is first. Half the time I post to the wrong blog and have to go delete it/repost it. I usually use the "Blog This" feature, and sometimes it doesn't put the post where I choose, on top of that. So this morning, as usual, I manage to post to the wrong blog. I go in, copy it, repost it to SAST, and delete it from CBN. It is no longer in my editing window.

But it's still on the Cate blog.

Seriously, I don't know how to get rid of it--someone's already posted a complaint on what is apparently now a ghost post (hee), but there's nothing in my window to delete. Nada. I ended up deleting both his comment and my reply (which was basically, "Oh my God, I'm so sorry!") in hopes that it was a comment/blog snarl keeping the post up. It wasn't. But this is just to say, I'm trying to delete the post, so please don't flip out.

ETA: Deleting the comment and republishing fixed it. Whew.

"THE MAN WHO WOULD BE KING"

They are just never going to get tired of using this title for Viggo Mortensen interview/profiles, are they?

IN THE CUT

After making my plot predictions on the Park yesterday, I'm really curious to see if I'm right. But I'm not putting down $8 to see Meg Ryan have (or simulate having) kinky sex. Because ew. So: if any brave reader goes to see this movie this weekend, or at least can find some spoilers (I haven't found any yet), let me know.

ETA: I'm going to have to amend my prediction, because I just found out that Kevin Bacon is in this, and we all know the Rule of Big-Name Actor Missing from the Publicity (see also: Seven, Kiss the Girls). I still say things look bad for the Jennifer Jason Leigh character, though.

HOLY MORMON SWIMSUIT, BATMAN!

Wow. Can you imagine trying to peel this crap off at the end of a long day at the beach?

SHREK 2

Hee, Puss in Boots.

LORD OF THE RINGS: RETURN OF THE KING

Ooo! Pictures! Spoilers!

GRRRRR

Okay, now I'm getting angry.

IMDB: "Fishburne Refuses To Talk to Internet Hacks"

"Movie star Lawrence Fishburne has followed the example of Russell Crowe by refusing to talk to Internet journalists. At a recent press day for forthcoming sequel The Matrix: Revolutions, the web journalists were told the 42-year-old actor wouldn't speak to them, despite already being scheduled in. Fishburne now shares the same policy as Crowe, who ignores request from movie websites for spreading rumors about him."

Trying... to be... calm... Okay. Exactly what rumors are CHUD and Dark Horizons and Jo Blo spreading about you two, guys? They report movie news. That they read in the Hollywood Reporter and Variety. And sometimes get from on-set scoopers. Who report on where things are filming and what the costumes and sets looked like. And who got cast in what. And maybe they leak story details. THAT ARE NOT ABOUT YOU. If you want to blame someone, blame People or the Enquirer or--quite frankly, I get all of my movie gossip off the IMDB (see entry below...or this entry, actually), which is supplied by London's World Entertainment News Network (WENN). In fact, I don't even KNOW any gossip about Laurence Fishburne, so I'm not sure what his deal is. But please stop using legitimate Internet entertainment journalists as your scapegoats when they're not even doing what you're accusing them of doing. Please?

In fact, I have a sneaking suspicion that actors who accuse these sites of gossipmongering don't actually read these sites at all. I would like to challenge any celebrity who would like to enforce this kind of ban to find gossip on these sites. Point out what offends you. Accuse the sites by name. Don't just lay down a thoughtless, sweeping ban, because until you can point out specifically what you're talking about, I'm not sure any of us are going to 1) believe you or 2) have sympathy for you.

"LOVE MADE OVERDOSE 'FUN' FOR FRANCES BEAN"

IMDB: "Courtney Love comforted her 11-year-old daughter during her recent drug overdose, by trying to make the experience 'fun'. The 39-year-old former Hole frontwoman accidentally overdosed on narcotic Oxycontin at her Beverly Hills home earlier this month - hours after being arrested for being under the influence of a controlled substance. Love regrets that Frances Bean, her daughter with late Nirvana rocker Kurt Cobain, was with her when she overdosed, but maintains she tried to make the experience as relaxed as possible - as they waited for an ambulance to arrive. She says, 'That's the only time my daughter has ever, ever, ever pitched in on one of my little crises. I made it fun. I said it was going to be gross and I was going to have to make myself throw up but it was going to be OK.' Since the incident, Frances has been placed in the care of Cobain's mother Wendy O'Connor - after the singer lost a bitter custody battle. O'Connor has questioned Love's ability as a mother - but the singer insists the overdose was a minor glitch. She adds, 'I'm not on some downward spiral. I'm not on narcotics. I'm fine. I just want my daughter back.' "

I just--wow. I don't know where to start. Except perhaps to ask--if you're not on narcotics, what did you overdose on?

RADIO

From Roger Ebert's (three star!) review: "The role is tricky for an actor; Gooding wants to make Radio lovable without being grotesquely cute, and mostly he succeeds, although Gooding is by instinct an expansive actor (the kind of man you imagine underlines his signature), and maybe a calmer actor like Ice Cube would have been a good choice. It was enough for Gooding to make me like Radio; in a few scenes I think he wanted me to pet him."

BLOGVISION BLOG SEARCH

This is fascinating--I found it in the SAST site statistics (someone found this blog through a search for... "chainsaw"). You can search anything you want and it pulls up blogs--which somehow include mega sites like TheOneRing.net, Salon, and the New York Times. In case you're missing the import here--I'm always on the lookout for new people to clientele with, as the Lady Chablis used to say, and I can now find them by what they're writing about. Score.

"I WANNA PUT MY CAT (IN YOUR HAT)"

Sorry, but this is too funny just to bury on the Trailer Park blog.

TRAILER PARK

All right, Correspondent Vladimir has gotten a cable connection, and so I have recruited him to help me review trailers. This evening we've managed to knock off Along Came Polly (aka "Ben Stiller Risk Aversion Movie"), The Event, Pieces of April, Dawn of the Dead, The House of Sand and Fog, In the Cut, Timeline, The Last Samurai, The Singing Detective, Resident Evil: Apocalypse and Cold Mountain.

Oh, and I've abandoned the ultra-informative Starring/Features/Worth It? format. It was great but time-consuming, and lack of time was the reason the Park wasn't getting updated. I know, I suck.

BLOG VS. JOURNAL

Here's an interesting rundown of weblog vs. journal/diary. My immediate reaction was to say the difference was format only (short entries in reverse chronological order vs. longer, sometimes essay-formatted entries), but this definition at diarist.net is pretty on-target: a blog focuses outwards on the world, while a journal focuses inwards, on yourself...which is why many writers online (like me) have both (like...me). I got my Easyjournal with the intention of making it about the outside world (mostly), but for posting longer entries, hence my format theory. But the diarist.net idea has a lot of merit.

COLIN THE BLOND

I just realized why I am so mesmerized by Colin Farrell's blond Alexander hair. He totally has Ken doll hair, yo.

BRAZENFACED DRAB!

Turns out Elizabethan women chewed each other out in the streets as a means of "social control," using much filthier language than we do today, relatively speaking. Heh.

ALEXANDER THE GREAT

Colin the Blond has a leopardskin saddle. I can't make this up.

ALIEN VS. PREDATOR

Artwork for the movie. I still can't believe they're actually making this. I don't know why it's sillier than Freddy vs. Jason. It just is.

UPCOMING MOVIES

Man, I haven't been keeping up with my upcoming movies, and I am so lost. I keep doing this whole "Whoa, that movie's coming out this weekend? I thought that wasn't coming out until... oh. It is October" thing. Thus, I bring you the next two weekends of October from Greg's Previews, formerly known as Upcoming Movies.com:

October 24, 2003
• Beyond Borders
• Radio
• Scary Movie 3
• Brother Bear (limited)
• Elephant (limited)
• The Party's Over (limited)
• The Singing Detective (limited)

October 29, 2003
• Alien (limited)

October 31, 2003
• The Human Stain
• Die Mommie Die (limited)
• Dirt (limited)
• Girlhood (limited)
• Mail Order Bride (limited)
• Shattered Glass (limited)
• Suspended Animation (limited)

POTC INTERACTIVE

A'ight, so I heard about this via--CHUD, I think?--and said to myself, "Self, we need to get involved with this." You know how folks have themselves some interactive fun at The Rocky Horror Picture Show? (The example the site gives is The Sound of Music--a more family-friendly precedent.) Well, these fine folks would like to see some screenings happen. I say we spread the word.

"100 SCARIEST MOVIE MOMENTS"

The most important part of this link, I think, is that I finally have a picture of the Eraserhead baby to show people why it freaked me the hell out so bad.

Warning: each moment (they're up to 47 so far) has a picture. Yes, including that girl in the closet in The Ring. And the soup vomiting in The Exorcist. The pink elephants in Dumbo. Don't say I didn't warn you.

ETA: Even as I was reading some of them, an update went up, so they're now up to 39. Also: I am going to be sleeping with the light on. The worst part is, it's the movies I haven't seen that are scaring me the worst. (Hangs head pitifully.)

NEWSTRACKER

So... tired... (Flop.)

"BASED ON A TRUE STORY"

Well... in the case of the Texas Chainsaw Remake... not exactly. Snopes has the lowdown.

ALIAS

I don't watch "Alias" (or much TV at all, for that matter), but I hang out at TWOP enough to know what's going on, and so I'm doing the news update and I read this at Dark Horizons:

"TV Guide indicates Director David Cronenberg ("The Fly") will guest star as a scientist who employs a radical therapy to try to help Sydney (Jennifer Garner) regain her missing memories."

Man, forget The Fly. That's the one people have heard of most, but I don't think we're getting the creep factor across here. Try Dead Ringers, Crash, eXistenZ, and Spider. Cronenberg's the only guy who freaks me out worse than Lynch. Brrrrrr.

HINDI SAD HOBBITS

Zap2It: It was announced on Tuesday (Oct. 21) that Indian composer A.R. Rahman and a Finnish folk troupe, Vattina, have been commissioned to write songs for a musical stage version of the fantastical epic, according to the AP.

Rahman is a veteran Bollywood songwriter who scored the Andrew Lloyd Webber-produced musical "Bombay Dreams."

The Finnish folk troupe's take on the tale is especially appropriate since Tolkien used the Finnish language as the basis of the Elvish tongue spoken in Middle Earth. It is thought that Tolkien drew upon the Finnish folk epic, the "Kalevala," to create his epic classic.

Considering that my experience with the Bollywood aesthetic is basically the last half hour of Moulin Rouge... I am very afraid.

DAILY DECIPHER DOSE

Two new cards today: "Merry, Swordthain" and "Ancient Blade."

CHEAP HALLOWEEN COSTUMES

Make sure you view the flash gallery, because the first "costume" is priceless.

HIDALGO

Jo Blo has an exclusive on the new poster.

HE CAME FROM THE PLANET OF SOY

I know a lot of folks have seen the Kikkoman ad/cartoon before ("Show me! Show you! Kikkoman!"), but this version, unlike the one I originally saw, actually has a English translation underneath and a few frames with English subtitles that I gather were not supposed to be there ("Do not try this at home, kids"; "How stupid I am"). The best part is--now that I understand what's going on, I understand the ad even less than I did before.

"OSCAR SCREENER BAN SCRAPPED"

E! Online via Yahoo: "The good news: the MPAA and Hollywood's major studios are about to revoke the Oscar screener ban.

The bad news: Academy members will be the only ones to receive tapes, to the exclusion of the directors, writers and actors guilds, members of the press and your hipster friend Bob, who knew a guy that knew a guy who could get him copies."

Aww, man. Bob is gonna be righteously pissed. Also: it sounds like it was the LA Film Critics Association awards cancellation that broke the MPAA (their New York counterparts are apparently considering following suit if the screener ban isn't lifted). Where were you people when I was protesting the wonky Best Makeup rules last year?

PASSIONS UPDATE

Whitney may or may not be dead, but the important thing is that Ethan and Fox, for reasons not entirely clear at this point, are now wandering around the hospital distraught. And shirtless.

ALEXANDER THE GREAT

Hee! Colin Farrell is blond!

HORSES RUNNING WILD AND/OR FREE

Given that I was forced to read some Bad Poetry from a Child of Divorce yesterday, I feel my favorite Onion article needs to be trotted out again.

HEH

Miss Alli's recap of Survivor: "In fact, you can almost hear the petty little voice inside [Shawn's] head muttering something self-satisfied and not terribly bright, like, 'Heh heh, Michelle is totally persona au gratin.' "

DEATHS

Salon: "Elliott Smith, a singer-songwriter whose dark-tinged, introspective songs and plaintive singing voice won universal critical acclaim, has apparently committed suicide, his publicist and coroner's officials said Wednesday. He was 34. He sustained a single stab wound to the chest that appeared to be self-inflicted, she said. Smith released five widely acclaimed solo albums that garnered modest commercial success. His song 'Miss Misery,' recorded for the film Good Will Hunting, was nominated for an Academy Award in 1998."

DANCING ANIMALS, OLD-SCHOOL

Speaking of badgers and other dancing animals, I used to love the Hampster Dance page. I'll tell you what it was--it was totally the little "dee dee dee da doo de do do" song. You cannot listen to that song and be stressed, and I am very stressed at the moment. So I get curious, and I find the Hampster Dance site again, and... now they have a CD. Of songs. With words. This is terrifying.

THE BROTHERS GRIMM

Dreams has a first look at Heath Ledger and Matt Damon in their Grimm gear (snerk). You can also read more about the movie at Entertainment Tonight.

DAVID LYNCH'S $1B PEACE PLAN

"Peace palaces"?

HIS DARK MATERIALS

If it's true that Ridley Scott is going to direct, then this is going to be too awesome.

BADGER BADGER BADGER BADGER

Ahhhhh. Now I feel better.

THERE ARE NO WORDS

First Amendment Center.org: A Kansas minister is intent on erecting a monument denouncing a gay University of Wyoming student beaten to death, and he’s citing two Utah cases to do it.

To mark the fifth anniversary of the killing, the Rev. Fred Phelps wants to put up a monument in a Casper, Wyo., park that says: “Matthew Shepard entered Hell October 12, 1998, at age 21 in defiance of God’s solemn warning: Thou shalt not lie with mankind as with womankind; it is abomination. Leviticus 18:22.”

Phelps, who led an anti-gay protest at Shepard’s funeral in Casper, claims that the presence of a Ten Commandments display in the city park means that all monuments must be allowed.

He bases his contention on two decisions by the 10th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in Denver, saying that if municipalities allow one group to put up a monument in a public place, they must give equal treatment to other organizations.

Casper officials oppose Phelps’ proposal and are considering giving the Ten Commandments monument back to the local Fraternal Order of Eagles, the service organization that originally gave it to the city, The Salt Lake Tribune reported.

CHECK IT

Occasionally, I get random press releases in my email. This is the best press release I have ever received.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

RAPPERS QUICKBEAM AND BOMBADIL NAMED 'BEST HOBBIT-THEMED RAP GROUP' BY THE VILLAGE VOICE

New Video Now Available on www.lordsoftherhymes.com

Hobbit mega-stars Quickbeam and Bombadil-- aka the Lords of the Rhymes -- were named 'Best Hobbit-Themed Rap Group' by the Village Voice today in the publication's annual 'Best of NYC' issue. The rappers -- whose eponymous single and follow up hit: 'Nine Fingered Frodo' have shattered all previous hobbit rap sales records -- are credited with single-handedly resurrecting the dying art of hobbit rap.

"We're very honored that the Village Voice chose us over all those other hobbit-themed rap groups," rapper Quickbeam said in an exclusive interview given today.

"True that" added Bombadil, "Out of the thousands of Hobbit-themed rap groups out there, they chose us. And that makes a hobbit feel pretty good."

Despite the accolades, controversy is growing around the Lords. Tolkien scholar Dr. Tayshawn Greensleeve, Chair of the Medieval Languages Department at Greater South Dade Community College, has taken it upon himself to debunk the entire hobbit-rap phenomena, and has publicly accused the Lords of appropriating Dwarvish music. On top of it all, rapper Bombadil -- whose love of mead and loose elf-women is epitomized by the lyric: 'I drink a half pint of bitter/smoke a pocketful of Toby/I'm on the mic like Sam is on Rosie'-- is facing at least nine outstanding paternity suits from distraught elf-maidens.

The Lords are currently in the middle of a mammoth 178-day video shoot for their upcoming 'Behind the Music' documentary. The 1/2 hour piece will feature unreleased tracks, live footage, and rare interviews with Gollum, the Dark Lord, and the entire cast and production crew of the Lords of the Rhymes' chart-topping video. It will be released on DVD in December (or thereabouts). Look for the trailer this week on www.lordsoftherhymes.com!

DOCTOR WHO

IGN: "Doctor Who has a long standing tradition of hiring actors with comedic backgrounds to play the title role and [Eddie] Izzard could certainly pull it off. Unfortunately, it is not to be as we now hear from the man himself: 'Tom Baker [a previous Dr. Who] threw my name up which was fantastic,' Izzard told BBC radio. 'It's a wonderful honor. I hadn't considered it, I didn't even know (the new series) was happening' Izzard did speculate about his chances should the opportunity arise, 'I don't think the BBC would want me. They'd probably rather spit on me and slap me about with fish."

As one does.

PASSIONS UPDATE

Puff Dog's (!) cousin LaToya (!!) totally capped "Miss Classy-Ass," y'all. I know Friend of Digest Valerie sighs and shakes her head every time I pop up with a new "Passions" report, but as I tried to explain: It's like the best bad movie you ever loved--and it's on every day!

DAILY DECIPHER DOSE

Two new cards today: "[Spoiler], Dernhelm" and "Gollum, Vile Creature." (Man, y'all are killing me with all the trailer shots. Use pictures we haven't seen!)

ROTK SOUNDTRACK

Hold up, y'all. I went back and reread the article scan at TORN more closely. I don't see that song Liv Tyler was talking about doing at all. Annie Lennox is there. But Billy Boyd and Viggo Mortensen are also listed. I know why Boyd is singing--if you remember that spoilerific CHUD link a while back, you might remember the scene in question--but I'm a little concerned that Mortensen is singing on a track called... "Return of the King." I just have horrible auditory hallucinations of some Rankin & Bass-style theme song ("Return of the Ki-ing, Return of the Ki-ing, the King is Retur-ning, Return of the King!").

Oh, and this "Supertrailer" ("Sunday! Sunday! SUNDAY! THE SUPAHHHTRAILAHHHHH!") DVD extra sounds fun.

"JESSICA SIMPSON VISITS CHICKEN OF THE SEA EXECS"

...in order to finally put to rest the question, "Is this chicken what I'm eating, or is this fish?"

PIRATES RELOADED

According to Coming Soon, Disney is thinking of filming two POTC sequels simultaneously, à la the Matrix and LOTR movies, which, quite honestly, is the best idea anyone's had so far. Why? Well, you try to get any of the principals, including writers and director, in the same place at one time. Now, whether they would release the movies four or five months apart or wait longer, I don't know.

REVIEW: MATRIX RELOADED

Damn, I hadn't written a review in a long time. Really been slacking off on the reviews this year. Yikes.

NEWSTRACKER

Tonight's update is brought to you by the class that no one told me was canceled. So, on one hand, it sucked to drive out there and find an empty classroom. On the other hand, I got two and a half hours of my life back, and you got a movie news update, so that was cool.

It gets even better! Wednesday's class is only meeting for an hour, so I'll be able to put up an update that night as well. Tomorrow, though? I wouldn't particularly count on it, given the fact that I have to pull a short-short story out of my butt, but you never know.

DECIPHER UPDATE

Nice--the ROTK cards are starting to come out. (I don't game--is that a verb?--but I like pretty cards. Shut up. Also, Decipher is usually one of the best sources for advance images from the movies.) My favorite has got to be "Plotting."

DIE MOMMIE DIE!

It's no Mother, May I Sleep with Danger? as titles go. But it's awesome damn close.

FRANK THE BUNNY, ACTION FIGURE

If it comes with a pull string and says, "Why don't you take off that man suit?," I will so buy it. And then I will cry like a little girl.

"UNDERWEAR COULD SAVE LIVES"

Hey, I don't make the news, I just report it.

THE BLACK RIBBON

All right, after some technical (and artistic) difficulties, the third chapter is online. You can also see the sad fate of Mrs. Mabel Peacock in the Bennet-Jones Correspondence.

And yes, I did forego fonts for Mrs. Peacock this week and use my own handwriting. Pity my friends, teachers, and correspondents.

PASSIONS UPDATE

Liz is trying to get T.C. to notice that, during the Sheridan the Heiress of Love in the Hospital of Missing Babies news segment, his wife is milling around with his worst enemy in the background. "Oh my God, I can't believe it!" says T.C. "What?" Liz asks innocently. "I can't believe what they're doing on Days!" he cries.

Cut to: A Days of Our Lives commercial on their TV--the exact one they show about "a serial killer in Salem" on real TV.

"What?" says Liz.

"You know! Days of Our Lives? 'Sands through the hour glass'? I didn't watch daytime television until all the teachers at school got me hooked on it, and lemme tell you about this new headwriter, he has the most out-there stories..."

Snerk.

THE CORE

So my mother's home for lunch, and she's doing her thing where she watches as much of a movie as she can on her break, and today it's The Core, so I see about an hour of it (the amethyst "geode" to the Golden Gate Bridge meltdown and a bit beyond), Aaron Eckhart is sitting with the two other guys crunching nuclear blast numbers, and I find myself sitting there thinking, "Oh, God, they've finally done it--they've made a mathematician action thriller."

BITE MY DELICIOUS ASS

"The Ten Best--and Worst--States for Babies": "The best state for babies is California. The worst is Alabama. Find out how your state ranks!"

HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN

Got some new pictures: nice.

THE BLACK RIBBON

Thought I'd mention this--I took a break from working on the latest (and, again, incredibly late) installment of the serial because Page Builder won't save any of the work. (Black Ribbon, unlike the Digest, is on a free Geocities account.) So my hands are sort of tied right now, as I can't put up any of the pages. Which is to say, I don't know when it'll be able to go up, but PB ought to straighten itself up by tonight, or there's going to be a rumble via email.

C'EST AWESOME

All right, so I'm on disc 2 of Matrix Reloaded, and I just skipped straight to the highway featurette. It's a peculiarity of my DVD player that it frequently starts playing French subtitles automatically, which leads to this gem:

CAMERA GUY: "...All right, let's lock 'n' load."

SUBTITLE: ... Verrouillé et chargé!

As soon as I wrap my mouth around that, that is totally my next pet phrase.

THE MATRIX RELOADED

A'ight, so I finally got around to seeing this (yes, I intended to see it in the theater, but shit happens, so there you go). I'm going to write up a review, but here's the weird thing: it was simultaneously much better (a lot easier to sit through than I expected, although I had an ergonomic chair, a free drink, and all the bathroom breaks I wanted) and yet not as impressive as I had expected (after five months of waiting to see the major action scenes, which were amazing in parts, I was still sort of like... that's all? Also: shut up, Merovingian). That said? I totally want to be Trinity when I grow up, yo.

TEXAS CHAINSAW REMAKE

Roger Ebert, zero stars: "I like good horror movies. They can exorcise our demons. 'The Texas Chainsaw Massacre' doesn't want to exorcise anything. It wants to tramp crap through our imaginations and wipe its feet on our dreams."

Ouch.

"IS YOUR TEENAGER HAVING SEX?"

Yes. Next?

SLOW NEWS DAY

All right, I know some of the readers play Neopets (and if you don't and are curious, the link will take you to their home page through my referral link. Just being upfront about it), and I'm banging my head against the wall about this stupid Volcano Mystery thing, because every time they have a mystery/contest/whatever, it usually involves looking up source codes and puzzles so complex I don't even know where they are, much less what the answer is. I've been hanging out on the Pink Poogle Toy boards to no avail. So if you play Neopets and you have any idea what's going on, you know where to find me.

KING ARTHUR

Look at these. No, seriously, look. I think Guineveira, if you will, shows up on page 5, but it's page 6 where things start to get freaky.

SHE'S A BITCH! BURN HER, BURN HER!

Criminy Moses, I don't know who the actress in the article is--it's basically the longest blind item ever written--but whoever it is needs to be stabbed. God, what a bitch. (Current suspects people are tossing around: Julia Roberts and Winona Ryder. The "filming in Paris" and "size zero" bits are the key to unlocking the riddle, we think, and they rule out J. Ro, so...)

NEWSTRACKER

See? I took a night off to have class, and I came back and updated the news again tonight. Everything's cool.

Except for those two awful Catwoman publicity shots that WB made Superhero Hype take down. Fortunately, I saved them before that happened (they were too awful not to). Click the comment below if you haven't seen them yet.

NO, REALLY, THIS TIME

I'll set you up first with the quote from Dark Horizons:

LatinoReview talked with Hayden Christensen for his upcoming film "Shattered Glass" and he commented on the final prequel which he wrapped filming the other month - "It still has to reach out to a specific audience, but it will be substantially darker than the previous films. I will say, on the record, the final fight sequence in this film will, in my opinion, and not having seen any of it cut together, should surpass any fight sequence that has been put on film so far. It’s the longest, I can’t give you specifics, but it is quite the bad-assed fight scene."

I feel really cranky saying this, and I'm not picking on Hayden Christensen, and I've even mentioned this before, but--I am so sick of every other movie coming along claiming to have "the biggest/longest/best fight/battle scene EVER PUT ON FILM." In the last year, I've already heard this for Two Towers, Return of the King, Kill Bill (1), Kill Bill (2), Cold Mountain (the Civil War battles), Gods and Generals (ditto, and we all saw how that turned out), Matrix Reloaded, Matrix Revolutions, and probably about five other films that have slipped my mind for the moment. (Oh--Last Samurai.) Just. Stop. All right? Make a good movie and stop having these pissing contests, or at least stop telling us about it.

MAXIMUM HONEY

Dance, Jello ions!

DJB [VERBS] A [NOUN]

Dude, Dan at Pamie.com totally just panned Sylvia in Mad Lib form. Slick, my friend ("or, you know, complete stranger who wishes you well. Whatever").

BRIDGET JONES 2: THE EDGE OF REASON

Empire Online has tons of new set pics from the movie, including several choice shots of Renee Zellweger, Colin Firth, Renee Zellweger kissing Colin Firth, and, much to my delight, Bridget's friend Shazzer (Sally Phillips).

CATWOMAN

So, on one hand, Halle Berry = rrowr. On the other, the costume designer should be spanked. Funny how things even out like that.

SUPPORT THE DIGEST AND SAVE MONEY

To repeat an entry I posted a couple of days back: we can get you the LOTR Monopoly game for $29 instead of $41 over at the official New Line shop, and you'll help keep the network (the site, the blog, the journal, etc.) afloat. Just in time for Christmas, y'all. Feed your obsession and help a sister out.

THE GIRL WIDE WEB

We're now part of the Girl Wide Web. Awwwww yeah we are.

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 2

CHUD's suggestion for Bootstrap Bill: Gabriel Byrne. Ooo, I like.

OH GOD

TV Guide, via Coming Soon: "Jessica Simpson apparently revealed last night to Larry King Live substitute host Ryan Seacrest that she has been talking to Columbia Pictures about starring in a feature remake of 'I Dream of Jeannie'."

For those of you who have not heard me rant despairingly over the number of brain cells I lost watching just one episode of her reality show "Newlyweds," here's a quick breakdown of the wit and wisdom of Jessica Simpson:

"Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish? It says 'Chicken of the Sea' on the can."

"Buffalo wings aren't made of buffalo?"

"Isn't it plata-ma-pus? I always thought it was plata-ma-pus."

"I have bubbles in my tummy...It's just air. It's not stink. Promise."

"Is there, like, maids for, like, celebrities?"

"Come on, you love my stinky ass."

THE LAST SAMURAI

If there is a Tom Cruise movie poster without a Big Fat Tom Cruise Head, I do not know what it is.

FISH FEAR HIM

...And little girls love him. Ian McKellen's new ePost Q&A:

Q: I am eight years old and the hugest (can you say hugest?) fan of LOTR and you. I cannot wait for ROTK to come out. What was the best part of making LOTR? and Do you ever plan to tour the United states and visit Salt Lake City, UT? if you ever come to Salt Lake plan on staying with us, I'm sure my mommy will let you since she is your biggest fan and she has your same birth day and I have the same birth day as Elijah Woods.

Alexandra

CONFESSIONS OF A DANGEROUS MIND

Second to last picture/caption, man. Yes. The Julia one. It's worth it.

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN

Well, it's official--Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, Keira Knightley, and director Gore Verbinski are all coming back for the sequel.

TOXIC SAM

So. I used to have this Amazing Forums message board for the site, which I ditched because 1) you just typed in whatever alias you felt like using at that moment, instead of registering and 2) no one was using it, and I get an email alert this morning to the effect that someone has randomly posted on it. Now, I get one of these every few months, but usually it's some spammer who doesn't realize that NO ONE USES THIS BOARD. So I go check the post this morning, and...

i have a problem with my overwhelming feelings for Dan Brown i have no idea what to do, this is what dan said when he found out " my life has been ruined thanks to toxic sam, i cant be around guys anymore so will live in a cardboard box on my own in the streets of horndean :(" what SHALL i do ?!?!?
Toxic Sam XxX

TROY

Awww yeah--tons of pictures, including the Trojan horse, from the recent issue of Elle, all over at Orlando Multimedia.

NEWSTRACKER

It's up. Don't get your hopes up for tomorrow, people.

THE MATRIX REVOLUTIONS

For those of you who still care, four pages of Matrix pics from Coming Soon.

"IS JESSICA SIMPSON REALLY DUMB?"

Yes. Next?

PHANTOM OF THE OPERA

For those of you interested, scroll down this page of Mystic River pictures and take a gander at Emmy Rossum. She's Christine (and she's got pipes, too, as evidenced in Songcatcher). Just thought I'd mention.

NEVERWHERE

Sci-Fi Wire: Kristine Belson of Jim Henson Productions told SCI FI Wire that the company is ready to move forward with the feature adaptation of Neil Gaiman's Neverwhere as soon as they acquire a willing financier. "We are trying to get Neverwhere made," Belson said. "We have had a frustrating series of stops and starts on that movie. Right now, after being with a financier who we were getting ready to make the movie with, we're now once again looking for financing."

The best-selling fantasy novel, originally written as a miniseries for the BBC, explores the mythical realm of London Below, which exists in the sewers and subway tunnels beneath the city. Canadian director Vincenzo Natali (Cube) has signed on to direct, with screenwriter Matt Drake revising the script originally written by Gaiman. "We're actually just about to go out with a script that no one's seen," she said. "We're going to approach everybody in town and see if they want to finance it."

Somewhere, a certain Correspondent will be very happy.

LEMONY SNICKET'S A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS

Huh. Liam Aiken. The Good Boy! kid. As Klaus, I presume. Huh.

THE CAT IN THE HAT

Less squee-able: The Cat in the Hat pics (or, as I originally typed, "The Cat in the Hate." Yeah, I think that was Freudian, right there).

PETER PAN

Squee!

HEH

So... a "bad movie theater experiences" forum thread reminded me of the "Two Tickets" piece I posted last winter (" 'In times of old you stood beside us during the Day After Thanksgiving Sale,' said TRISH soberly. 'We will not let the Summit Carmike fall' "), so I thought, hey, I'll put it up on my Fiction Press account, why not? So here's the first reader review: ". . . You're crazy, you know that?"

Hey, man, I just report what happened that night.

LOST HIGHWAY EXPLAINED

Or as close to it as we're probably going to get, although I think my interpretation still stands as well.

GUH

I didn't see this on TORN yesterday... All right, I'm a geek, I know, but my first reaction to seeing "the first official picture of the Witch King" was to say, out loud, "Holy Jesus."

WOW

IMDB: "Colin's Behavior Upsets Angelina"

"Movie wildman Colin Farrell's penchant for debauchery has already offended his Alexander co-star Angelina Jolie - she's fled to a different hotel in a bid to escape his wacky behavior. Colin, 27, and the Tomb Raider beauty are shooting the epic movie in Morocco, but Colin's alleged habit of exposing himself during drinking sessions has upset female members of the film crew. An insider tells London's The Evening Standard, 'He was always getting his bits out when he'd had a few, so much so that we nicknamed him 'C**k out Colin'. We thought it was hilarious but Angelina didn't, and eventually had enough and said she was leaving.' "

Dude, when your carousing upsets Angelina Jolie--you need to chill.

SHOP THE DIGEST

Pre-order the Return of the King soundtrack, only $16.99. I'm holding out for the special fancy version myself, if only so that all three of mine will match with the nice leatherette cases and all, but seriously? The "extras" were basically on a site that War of the Ring gave out the URL to anyway--printable banners of Rohan and such. The FOTR extras? An interview with Enya and Enya "email stationery." You're not missing anything. Order this one; you can have it by November 25. If you still want the special one, you'll be able to pre-order it in a bit.

LORD OF THE RINGS: RETURN OF THE KING

Smilin' Jack Ruby gets to see six clips from ROTK and lives to tell about it. Lucky bastage.

ETA: There's also a Viggo Mortensen interview up at the official site. It's sort of weird and choppy, but he does say something really nice about Miranda Otto at the end.

NEWSTRACKER

I updated again! (I know, I can't believe it, either.)

Oh, and let me know how you like the nice ghosty Haunted Digest background. I got compliments on it last Halloween and so decided to use it all this month, because Halloween is really a holiday that needs to have the hell celebrated out of it, particularly on a movie site, IMO. In fact, save and use it for yourself (I can't take credit, though; this and two others come from this site):

UH OH

This doesn't sound good:

Nearly 150 directors, including Robert Altman, Martin Scorsese, Francis Ford Coppola and Robert Redford, are urging the Motion Picture Association to repeal its decision to stop sending out special DVDs and videos to Oscar voters. The directors sent a letter to Jack Valenti, urging the MPAA to immediately repeal the anti-piracy plan it implemented last week. The ban on sending screeners means the 5,600 Academy Awards voters will have to catch most movies in theaters. [My note: The subtext here is, "And they're so lazy, they won't."]

The list of 142 people who signed the letter includes movie veterans (Sydney Pollack, Barry Levinson, Norman Jewison); international filmmakers (Pedro Almodovar, Bernardo Bertolucci, Atom Egoyan); and a bevy of young directors, including Spike Jonze, Sofia Coppola, Paul Thomas Anderson, Robert Rodriguez and Kimberly Peirce.

The MPAA's response: "Jack Valenti has had conversations with individuals and several groups on the subject of the new screener policy. He welcomes the exchange of thoughts and ideas on the critical issue of combating piracy. That said, the screener policy remains as it was originally announced."

EW really has a better article, but since it's subscribers only, I've gone with the Yahoo article above as the primary link. Interesting point here at the end, however:

Despite the impressive names on the letter -- other signers included Pedro Almodovar, Robert Altman, Wes Anderson, Darren Aronofsky, Bernardo Bertolucci, John Boorman, Joel Coen, Sofia Coppola, David Cronenberg, Frank Darabont, Jonathan Demme, Terry Gilliam, Lasse Hallstrom, James Ivory, Jim Jarmusch, Spike Jonze, Mike Leigh, Richard Linklater, David Lynch, David Mamet, Mira Nair, John Waters, and Terry Zwigoff -- Valenti appeared unwilling to back down. Although he participated in a conference call with art-film distribution executives last week, at which compromise proposals were floated (like sending out individually numbered VHS screeners instead of easier-to-copy DVDs), the MPAA issued a statement in response to the group letter, stating that the Valenti ''welcomes the exchange of thoughts and ideas on the critical issue of combating piracy. That said, the screener policy remains as it was originally announced.''

The signatories, who include many members of the Academy, may have only one opportunity to place their clout behind their opposition to the ban: their Oscar ballots. Last week, Academy president Frank Pierson said the ban was so distressing to some members that they planned to vote against big-studio films on principle. ''It's just plain wrong,'' Altman said of the ban, in an interview with Newsweek. ''I think you’ll see a boycott of the Academy Awards.''